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Abusive Men: Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man
by Stephany Alexander   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Saturday, January 05, 2008
Posted: Friday, April 13, 2007

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Are you attracted to abusive men? Here are the top 10 signs of an abusive man.

Abusive men are often survivors of abuse themselves. Signs of an abusive man can range from emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. Frequently an emotionally abusive man is also a verbally abusive man or a combination of all abuse types. A sign of an abusive man can usually be found after a few dates if you pay attention, ask a lot of questions and do some investigating into his past.

Abusive relationships are characterized by control games, violence, jealousy and withholding sex and emotional contact. An emotionally abusive man is harder to pin-point and a skilled, abusive man can easily make you think you aren’t good enough or that everything is your fault. It is just as difficult to recover from emotional abuse as it is from physical abuse. Emotional abuse causes low self-esteem and depression. An abusive man may tell you he loves you or that he will change, so you won’t leave. However, the more times you take him back, the more control he will gain. Empty promises become the norm. Make sure you pay attention to his actions and not merely his words. As the old saying goes, “actions speak louder than words.”

Abusive relationships are never abusive in the beginning. If they were, women would dump the abusive men immediately in search of a good man.According to the American Psychological Association Force on Violence and Family, over 4 million American women experience a serious assault by a partner each year! Who can forget when heavy-weight champ Mike Tyson was convicted of raping Desiree Washington and sentenced to six years in prison. Tyson served three years before being released on parole. Thereafter, he married Robin Givens but they divorced on Valentine’s Day only a year later because Givens claimed Tyson abused her. Abusive behavior touches all ranges of society.

We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.

1. Jealousy & Possessiveness – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
2. Control – He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.
3. Superiority – He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.
4. Manipulates – Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable.
5. Mood Swings – His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.
6. Actions don’t match words – He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.
7. Punishes you – An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.
8. Unwilling to seek help – An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.
9. Disrespects women – Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.
10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself – Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.

If you continue to stay in an abusive relationship because you think he will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive man does not change without long-term therapy. Group counseling sessions are particularly helpful in helping abusive men recognize their abusive patterns.

Type A personality types seem to be more prone to abusive behavior due to their aggressive nature. Drugs and alcohol can create or further escalate an abusive relationship. Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are excellent programs for an addict. The abuser’s partner should also seek help for their codependent behavior at Codependents Anonymous. If the abusive man is not willing to seek help, then you must take action by protecting yourself and any children involved by leaving. By staying in an abusive relationship you are condoning it. If you are scared you won’t be able to survive because of finances, pick up the phone book and start calling shelters. Try calling family, friends and associates and ask them if they can help or know of ways to help.

Once you leave, the abuser may cry and beg for forgiveness but don’t go back until you have spoken to his counselor and he has completed long-term therapy successfully. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave because the abuser has lost control. The Bureau of Justice Statistics states that on the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day so please be careful. If you partner is not willing to seek help for his abusive behavior, your only option is to leave.

Written by Abuse Expert, Stephany Alexander, B.A., Author, Women's Speaker
Credentials:  Stephany Alexander is the founder of, one of the most popular women's sites on the net (top 5%) receiving millions of hits per month.

* Founder - highest trafficked abused women's message board on the net
* Founder of Largest Online Database of Men in the World
* Author of 'Sex, Lies and the Internet,' A Survival Guide to Online Dating
* Abuse expert on numerous talks shows and call-in radio shows
* Author of over 50 articles on online dating and relationships
* Author of 22 dating and relationship quizzes
* Internet Polling Expert on relationship and dating issues, surveying over 350,000 women in on-line polls
* Creator of 9 women's comedy cartoon e-cards, including one claymation
* Creator of 6 women's online games, one arcade quality

Ms. Alexander is frequently called on by the media as the nation's leading Dating Expert. Featured on: CNN, CBS, FOX, Sirius Satellite, KROQ, KIIS, Mike & Juliet Show, Good Day Las Vegas, Esquire Magazine, Wall Street Journal, NY Times, and countless radio shows.


Web Site: - World's Largest Database Rating Men

Reader Reviews for "Abusive Men: Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man"

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Reviewed by Lisa Mcbryde (Reader) 6/9/2015
Copping this all the time. He verbally puts me down. Called me pig, fucking idiot, cunt. Says i deserve it. Says I am a nutcase and i need help. Manipulates situations. Withholds affecttion.
Reviewed by russel gabiola (Reader) 3/31/2011
I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years, at first there were some signs that my bf was abusive, but i told myself he will change..but up to now, he is just getting worse all the time. We got engaged and set to marry on May7 this year but I want to back out. It was hard to leave because of the abusive cycle. He was like Dr jekyll and mr hyde. But I hope I find the courage to leave....
Reviewed by Manique Inglethorpe 2/20/2011
Really fantastic article - It is good for solid information to be available for people to read and understand the nature of their problem... Thank you for your service
Reviewed by viper81 mechanix (Reader) 2/9/2011
I met this woman last year, 29, my age, banker chick who I really liked. Walked right up to her and got her number. We started chatting for a few days, and then all of a sudden, she opened up to about her life. I was well aware she was a divorce e, but what hit me was the fact that she divorced from a marriage, her parents forced her into in 22 days. Says they just couldn't love each other. In a few days of knowing her, she just let it all out and the real bomb fell when she said her father started drinking and died shortly after because he felt he had ruined her life. She loved him and tried convincing him otherwise. She was single, mourning for a long time until she met this guy about 8 months back whose totally bad. He gave all in a previous relationship, only to get dumped and now he manipulates and holds her for ransom. He doesn't call her for days on end, keeps her hanging at times and what not but surely he controls her and she loves it. She's cried bitterly on weekends, cursed herself, life and what have you but at the end of the day, she loves him but admits to me " I know he doesn't love me, but at least he's frank and honest, he's himself and never lies, and that's why I love him". Saw the guy a couple of times, and as men we can read each other and he seems angry, egotistical and full of attitude, the way she describes him. I've been in many relationships, intense ones, love and sexual, I've been bad in my younger years and it cost me dearly. Now at 29, I've come to realize that women are a lot more than we know them to be. Nice is bad & bad is nice. Simple. What I don't get is the when she says she knows he doesn't love her but she's ready to marry him, and this woman has rejected a lot of good guys, seriously. She kind of regrets it, yet she's a real conservative cat. I just dropped contact with her after some slight irritation coz' in all honesty, I did try to have her, although I now feel that she has never known what a real,loving healthy relationship is all about. Would appreciate some insight from experienced women.
Reviewed by Laura Fall 10/14/2010
You are so right on target with this and heartbreaking this awful subject truly is .Furthermore, has become an epidemic .You may read my articles on abuse as I am a lucky survivor!
Reviewed by Tanay Das 4/6/2010
The following is a list of signs to watch out for early in the relationship to determine whether the man has abusive tendencies or has abused women in the past.

Someone tells you or he admits that he has hit women in the past.

He refers to all women he has dated in the past with derogatory terms. He may also refer to his mother using such terms as well.

An extensive collection of pornography and videotapes some of which are violent. He may try to tempt you into trying sexual acts that go against your better judgment. If you object, he may threaten to do them with someone else.

He tells you of abuse he has witnessed or has been a part of toward women. When asked if he has ever sought counseling, he says, "No, I never felt I needed it." He may feel guilty about it and promise that he won't do it to you.

Finds fault with all your family and friends once you have confided in him about them or he has met them. Later, he will use what he knows against you in an argument.

Shows up unannounced at your job, home, or places you visit (may lead to stalking). May offer to take you to any of these places on a daily basis so that you may grow dependent on him.

Calls you often wanting to know your plans and in some cases you may have already told him, but he may be checking to see if your story has changed. He expects you to call him wherever you go and will become angry if you don't.

He doesn't like who he is and makes regular references about himself as being "stupid," "ugly," "dumb," and asks you, "Why do you want to be with me?" He will also resort to name calling whether he is arguing with you or "just being funny."

He attempts to control money you have earned and abuses possessions that you have acquired. He often asks for financial assistance, takes over your car and tells you how you should conduct your household. He may encourage you to live with him so that he can further control you.

He threatens to commit suicide when you try to break up with him.

He threatens to kill you over anything from wanting to end the relationship to talking to other men.

Reviewed by lili dauphin 2/7/2010
This is a very good post. Thank you so much. Every woman should read your article because most of us are in denial when it comes to spotting an abusive man.
Reviewed by Kavita Jayram (Reader) 1/8/2010
I completely agree ith this article. i myself is in this kind of situation and coping for the last 4 yrs. i feel my pesonality has changed and i tooo have become abusive in return to hurt him also the same way he does to me. I HAVE LOST MYSELF
Reviewed by Jessica Scaffidi-Fonti 10/8/2009
Its alarming to read this when almost all the signs point to abuse. It's so hard, very hard, especially when you also have an abusive family. Great article.
Reviewed by Denise G (Reader) 8/21/2009
This article has hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately, it took a while before I realized it. I thought he was bipolar with the drastic mood swing and a couple other symptoms. Went to counselling on his request and it hit me like a ton of rocks. I researched abusive relationships and every sign listed within this article is something I have experienced...multiple times over the past 2 1/2 yrs. Every teenager and women should read the book, 'Why Does He Do That' so they are aware of the slow manipulative way these men operate.
Reviewed by m (Reader) 7/30/2009
Reviewed by Christina Morales 1/2/2009
I'm a Transpersonal Hypnotherapist and I left an abusive relationship with a succesful man and DV has an affect on many people. I left and you can too!
Reviewed by E. A. Mourn 12/22/2008
I read your article and you are right on target, but do you have knowledge, and I'll bet you do, of the abusive nature of European men?
Reviewed by Patricia Guthrie 11/3/2008
The article "Abusive Men. Top 10 signs of an Abusive man" by Stephany Alexander is a must read for teenage and young women everywhere. This isn't a trait we'd normally look for in the people we date. If the abuser is skilled, he might not show obvious signs until they have you tied down with a wedding ring--or worse.

Nice job Stephany
Reviewed by Shelley Walden 10/27/2008
As a Woman that has lived and wrote about Domestic Violence, often the warning signs aren't apparent until a relationship has formed. I know firsthand that abusive men are very efficient at manipulation and only allow their true core to surface when they need to maintain control. But this article is right on in the signs and I hope other abused women know that the only option is to safely leave. Unfortunately there are still so many misconceptions about domestic violence and I find it very frustrating. Any venue that targets this issue, as this article and the website obviously do, is sorely needed. Bravo!

Reviewed by Terry Rizzuti 9/28/2008
A very good article. I did some research on this a while back and wrote a Novel on the subject called Show Time. One of the things that I discovered was common to male batterers was language. These men call women names like "whore," "bitch," "cun.," "slu.," etc. It's almost as though they all went to the same seminar on how to mistreat women. So, to all you women out there, if a guy calls you one of these names, run like the devil and don't look back. Terry
Reviewed by Cynthia Buhain-Baello 10/30/2007
Hi Stephany,
Thanks you for such an informative article that is full of truth and good advice. Abuse is an mental illness and the person who does it is mentally imbalanced emotionally and psychologically, that sometimes they even kill the subject of their abuse. The safeguards you mentioned are very helpful, and abused women and children should be given protection.
God bless you for using your gift of writing for their sake. I can relate to this article - I've been there.

With prayers for you,
Reviewed by Angela Watkins 7/25/2007

Continue to help others via of your writing.

You hit the nail right on the head -- I know about these signs: mood swings, actions such as name calling, "seeking help is a good one" will think you are the one that needs the help, and has a history.

They will work and do have a good work record. They will want you to look nice to the public. They want you to walk side by side with them in the public as well. They can be very kind and loving as well.

Reviewed by Rev. Dr. Deborah Simpson 7/2/2007
This is a wonderful post - there are so many women out there who are suffering at the hands of an abusive relationship. I have something I would like to add to this for single mothers. There is another sign of abuse that often plagues single mothers. It is the man who comes into your life and tells you "you need to be more strict with your child" "keep you child under wraps," etc. An abusive man will try to make you believe that you are not raising your child correctly and will attempt to gain control over you by telling you how to raise your child. This will make you dependent, however, the abuse then filters onto your child which is more than detrimental. If the man in your life is belittling the way you raise your child, it is abuse and you should reevaluate that relationship. Also, please open your eyes to see how your child is affected and seek help immediately.
Reviewed by Hanley Harding 5/14/2007
These are the "classic signs" of an abuser. Women who try and "stick it out" in such a relationship are kidding themselves. It will only worsen for them AND their children. Filing injunctions usually only makes the abuser even more abusive. GET PROFESSIONAL PROTECTIVE HELP!

Excellent Article.

Reviewed by Danielle Williams (Reader) 5/1/2007
This is very helpful. I feel every young woman should know these facts. I did not know anything about abusive relatioships until I got myself in tone thinking he was " my first real Boyfriend". Information like this shoud be given to all young women in colleges and in high school
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