Calling Dr. Mengele, Calling Dr. Mengele
The dentist I'm recently switched to is the furthest thing from that sadist Nazi, Josef Mengele. I have been to a lot of dentists, and he is probably the gentlest. I like him, and I trust him. Now that that is out of the way, let me tell you about my last appointment.
There was HAMMERING. There was SCRAPING. There was DRILLING.
That was just the first ten minutes. Removing the bridge I had had decades to become attached to, TOOK FOUR HOURS. SHRAPNEL WAS FLYING. CRUNCHING AND EAR-PIERCING WHISTLING WERE DEAFENING.
Am I ever glad that is over. Quick, help me out of this bend-a-bucket so I can contact my heroin connection. What? Are you telling me there's more? [Expletives deleted.] Had I been able to think, I would have remembered that the main reason the bridge had to be replaced was that decay snuck under. To get rid of it, a new and more serious round of drilling -- LOW SPEED DRILLING, JACKHAMMER DRILLING -- was required. Given I survived, STRINGS AND CLAMPS AND GLUE were to be applied in preparation for SHOVING a temporary onto -- correction, INto -- an already sore upper gum. POUNDING, PINCHING, FLOODING, AND SUCKING with that metal doohinky that replaced the pleasure of spitting into a drain as long as humanly possible, were ahead. And ahead. And ahead.
If you're getting the idea that I don't relish having someone TRY TO TAKE MY HEAD OFF from the inside, you are reading right.
If, like me, you figure the worst is over, think again.
Hmmmmm. Better see a periodontist about this short root. He may be able to raise the crown by CUTTING THE GUM around it. May even need an implant. Two or three aren't out of the realm. Hmmmmm.
Periodontist to be followed by endodontist to be followed and-or accompanied by new hemorrhages of money. General dentist more than willing to work out a payment plan. Specialists, nuh-uh.
Bridge alone will cost more than $9,000.
If the endodontist decides to repair a poorly-done root canal, there's another $900. Minimum.. May be other root canals involved.
Is there a cheap nuthouse in your area? Do you have to pay extra for the strait jacket and van pick-up? Will you consider visiting after they get me sedated?
Bring me speed?
I HATE PAIN.
I HATE SEEING HARD-WON SAVINGS CIRCLE A DRAIN.
CIRCLE, HELL.
Goodbye, money market. Goodbye, CD.
Bet you hate whining. Pretend that this is intended as humor, all right?
Let's see. Next time, I think I will talk about aches and pains.
Axe murderers or hemorrhoids, you choose.
Going to go shampoo my hair.. Meeting my connection at 5:00, and I want to look good. If I can get a drug pushing gig, might be enough money left for a video and dinner out.
Have to wait on the dinner. Temporary means a soft diet.
Oh, well. What's a little torture? Soon have an 18 karat smile.
Don't forget to floss.
Toofless
(c) Phyllis Jean Green, 2009
All Rights Reserved
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