Greetings people of this planet. It’s been quite a while since I set foot here to see what sort of chaos and confusion I was generating Last time I really looked closely was…egads! 1968! Since then I’ve been content to more or less watch from a distance. 1968 was one of those years that was so chaotic that people could start to sense me there in the midst of the whole mess. The Rolling Stones even wrote a song about me!

What’s that you say? Oh I didn’t introduce myself yet. Well you’re right. Call me Lou.

Yes, I am that thing whom many of you think of as bad. But I am not so bad, not like the way many of you think of me as bad. I’m not out there constantly looking for bad things to do. I just come around once in a great while when it seems like my services could really be called for.

Looking over to Colorado, where not too long ago you all had massive forest fires. I am amazed that my plan was able to work so well. I know that the wrath of a woman scorned can often be hot and deadly. Hot and deadly when directed at a former husband. So actually playing the role of that husband was quite easy for me.

Now I look over at the whole mess at Enron and WorldCom. Pretty big huh? Yeah I know a lot of you people are upset about it and wondering how it’s going to affect the economy. So I guess I should be sorry for what happened. But the truth is, I’m not. Hey money is money and a man (or idea) has to make a living somehow. Sure it’s at the expense of lots of people. But these execs have been doing it for years with absolutely no help from me.

Taking a quick cruise missile ride over to the Middle East, I see that many people would like to get my main man from over there out of the picture. I find it ironic that his first name bears a certain amount of resemblance to what many schoolchildren are trained to say to their so-called elders. In fact some of them may pronounce it that way. “Ya sir!”

Now I want to take issue with some of the things that have been said about me. Particularly the way Hollywood has portrayed me on the big screen. That performance by Al Pacino from 1997 was pretty good. But don’t get me started on that Adam Sandler one called “Little Nicky”. Worst script I’ve ever read in my life. For that I laid Mr. Sandler’s soul to waste and cancelled winter for the 2001 holiday season.

We all have our moods we get in from time to time. The problem is that when I lose my temper, the ground rumbles and an entire city is turned to dust. Hey it’s no different from losing one’s temper and buying a cheap pistol and shooting up a post office.

Speaking of bad-tempered guys, I suppose you wonder what I think of our man Osama. I must say that I find it hilarious, as many other people do, that it’s so hard to find a man of his type, especially one on dialysis like Osama. Well there’s no need for any of you to worry. I will be having a chat with him soon enough. Once I get my hands on a scythe that can reach that far. Or I may have to actually go to where he is carrying one and wearing a hood. I try not to do that act too often.

Now it appears that our time for this interview has run short. I must be heading back to my little spot of land down below. Thank you for being here when I arrived unlike most interviewers. Not long you really had any choice mind you. Oh and one last thing before I go. Does it seem hot here to you? The heat is almost as bad here as it is where I’m from. Well so long for now. Woo-woo!