A Eulogy To Me
edited: Friday, November 08, 2002
By Johnny Phoenix
Posted: Friday, November 01, 2002
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Ever wondered what the world will say about you when you are gone? This is what I envision will be my eulogy.
We are gathered here today to celebrate the life and mourn the passing of our brother Johnny Phoenix. Johnny was one of life's optimists, struggling to see colour where most could see only black or grey.
It was this optimism that allowed him to see his first ill-fated tries at DNA manipulation to further mankind's evolution as "Ironing out a few bugs".
He felt that the world's press over-sensationalised the results with narrowminded headlines such as "Fifty foot spider-bears destroy Eastern Europe".
He felt that they failed to see the larger picture.
Exiled by the scientific community he turned his attention to world peace, he felt that by acting as a mediator between the warring factions of the Iraqui and American governments, he could bring an end to conflict and his optomism and enthusiasm were to be commended.
Unfortunately, due to a "minor misunderstanding and translation problems" as he put it Full scale war was declared within eight seconds of the commencement of the cease fire hearing . Apparently Johnny had confused certain words in the Iraqui dialect since the words "peace","prevail","friend" and "Let's Talk" are remarkably similar to the words "your mother","Kiss","Backside" and "Big Nose"
"We would like peace to prevail my friend. Let's Talk"
Suffice to say the opening line of the proceedings did not go down too well and war raged for twenty years.
After this Johnny retired from international politics and moved to a farm in an undisclosed remote location where he whiled away the hours with his first love of genetic modification. Feeling misunderstood and dejected, he began working on ways to increase the size of vegetables to try and end world hunger.
He enjoyed some measure of success in this field and his eighty-foot carrots where the stuff of legend. The scientific community was set to forgive his earlier transgressions and welcome him back with open arms until the first of the the three hundred foot rabbits was seen roaming the countryside outside of derbyshire nibbling on oak trees and leaving entire towns buried under massive pellets.
The rabbits, fortunately were dealt with by the british army and the bodies were airlifted to starving countires for food. The government however did not share Johnny's optimism that the experiment had "turned out all right in the end".
It is a final testimony to his optimism that when a visiting supreme commander from another galaxy crash landed after running out of plasma, it was outside Johnn'y farm that he landed.
Johnny went out to that ship representing the people of Earth and I am sure that the Commander found him as genial and optimistic as we all remember him.
Unfortunately once Supreme Commander Tchak had explained the problem, Johnny believed he had a solution and told him that he could syphon as much unleaded as he needed from his car parked outside.
Johnny waved goodbye as the jubilent commander lifted off and began to ascend back into orbit. The subsequent explosion was heard all over the world cutting commander Tchak off as he reported back to his fleet that "The people of Earth were......boom"
Johnny died instantly as the wreckage hit him and therefore missed the transmission a few moments later which was broadcast all around the world from the fleet en-route to Earth.
As we commit his body to the earth, we say our goodbyes not just to Johnny but to each other as there is now only four days until the invasion begins.
He did leave instructions in the event of his death that his remains should be jettisoned into space lest some advanced civilisation should be able to ressurect him in the future. However, I do have a court order that prevents me from doing so and thus as we flush his ashes into the bowl we remember the life of Johnny the optimist.
Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Toilet Duck.