FOR ANN


I have often times ask myself of how things can be as diluted as the mind can perceive. It is utterly devastating to have someone so close to your heart to be gone, as in finito in a second of each breath you have. I am really not that equip with such emotions until I have lost someone dear to me. Death can be as painful as each lonely time brought you to your knees and ask why such young as she is should be taken away just like that. She of the simplest wants and desires in life. Maybe I have never really known how it is to love someone and mourn until that fateful night stole her away from us forever. Many nights now, since she succumbed into that peaceful bliss we call death, that I would lie awake still searching memories of that night she fought that great battle, a war she triumphantly succeeded, some might see it as something she ended up losing, but for me… it is the best battle my sister-in-law has fought for and won. I will always be happy knowing that her journey has ended the way our almighty planned for her. A friend of mine told me during one of our discussions that our finality on this earth always search for a cause; indeed… her death, although brought forth so many unwavering tail tale of emotions and loneliness to all people who loved her dearly-- causing them to questioned her sudden disappearance from this so called life, is just one way of telling us that her time on this earth is over…physically yes, but not spiritually for I feel her surrounding us everyday, just like the air… you can not see it, but you feel it… she lives in my heart forever like each throbbing veins reminding me that I am alive and that I should do the best that I could while I still can because when it’s my time to bid adieu to my loved ones I may not be able to do things which will bring them happiness the way I used to for the fulfillment of a greater plan God has planned for me. We are just borrowers of our so-called precious times on this earth. We only passed here but once. I wont be hypocrite and say that I don’t miss her around because I simply do, there wasn’t a minute that I never see her face and heard her voice calling me “Ate”. For that short time that we bonded together, I have not seen the other person I expected to see, what I’ve seen, met and loved is someone who is so much like me in reality, she was my alter ego, she understood that person in me that I hid for others to see, I never asked but she gave it anyway, we never had any squabble that’s pretty normal to in-laws living in one roof, for we already made a pact without imposing to each other that each one of us has individuality we need to respect and we accepted each other flaws so no matter how sad the situation, we managed to put a smile to our faces at the end of each days that we’ve managed to survived together. I must say that I have never experienced how it is to be respected by someone that wasn’t bought by any material things which most often than not without me knowing it is what I usually do, unlike my real family, who have never dig deeper to all my resentments and other issues concerning respect for each other which I solely crave for, she gave it to me and was always grateful for the simple things offered in front of her, I surely miss that look on her face whenever I give her something she wanted and that eager face acknowledging my worth as a person. She surely knows when to be polite and when how to be honest with her feelings. I will never forget the times we would watch our fave soap operas on our dilapidated television, how she would voraciously ate her favorite food craving for that day while I just shook my head in disbelief of how plain and simple she is, the never ending saga of teasing her how bloated she is, those days when she’d just listen as I unknowingly poured out my sentiments in life, how she would lie on that sofa bed head-to-head with mine watching VCD while we’d wait for my dear brother to arrive from his work. These things and the many memories of her etched here in my heart each days of my life. Others may see it as over-reacting, but to be completely honest, It is only now that I’ve been grieving over that pain her passing brought forth, maybe because during those times that I was crying, I cried not only for missing her but mostly for the pain my brother would go through, losing a wife and a son in a snapped of your finger is no joke. Vividly, that heartbreaking memory haunts me even until now, that last look she threw on me, that bitter cry bored out from the mixture of pain, fear, suffering only she had felt, no one can honestly say how proud I am with her… she fought a good battle until the end, never losing that touch of valor even after she closed her eyes forever. Since I moved out from my family’s abode, I’ve realized the pain I shunned away from everybody, I mourned her death only now that I am alone, trying to live life the way it has to be, nights when I would think about her and how I wish in every occasion she’ll be with us eating her requested food, laughing, teasing with the rest of the family, her way of calling me “Ate”, even now, it brings tears to my eyes just recalling that distinct way she’d call me. Her passing brought my family closer and also closer to God. Looking at how my brother try to eased his way dealing with life after his wife and first-born’s deaths, I feel like being stabbed from the chest, it hurts seeing him trying to brave away the loneliness, but I am proud of him for I see the strength his wife must’ve given him, her love for my brother is enduring, eternal, infinite like each memories she created for us. Four months after her death, I cry in silence, every night… dealing with my own loneliness, pain, fear, sufferings and tears would well up because it is only now I that I can truly say that I mourn for her alone. I still remember the poem I wrote for an actor’s death, I didn’t know that many nights after her death I would dedicate that poem for her… and for the love only her and my brother would know, would ever feel… she of the simple wants in life… a good wife, a trusting friend, a loving sister and a self-less daughter, … and I know wherever she is right now, she’s doing a good job of being a good mom to her son… Ann, you’re not just a sister-in-law to me… you’ll always be one of my own blood, for all the memories we’ve made together, for all the love you’ve given us, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If in God’s time, we’d meet again, I hope God would allow us to sell “empanada”, eat junk foods and yes, belt out a tune from videoke!

“We will never pass this way again… but it’s a blessing to cross the other side of life.”



bmartinez
04/05/03