Blogs by William Rogers
From Santa's Woman
12/18/2006 7:55:54 AM
Greetings from the North Pole. I am Mrs. Claus. I usually do not write such letters, but with the craziness going on in this world---well, there are a few things I would like to get off my chest. First of all, let it be known that my husband’s testicles do not contain popcorn.
Now then, things will be a little different this year, in terms of my jolly husband’s travels. I usually do not put my foot down, but Mr. Claus will not be permitted to enter Iraq this year and probably not next. He was nearly shot down three times while in Iraq last year. Donner, one of our beloved reindeer, took a sniper’s bullet but recovered nicely. Also, I have instructed my dear husband to not deliver gifts to those living illegally in the United States, so as there will be more toys for bred Americans. Moreover, I forbid my loving man to come within 100 feet of overrated people like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.
I have tried to come to understand the ways of those who shrink head and cannibals, especially those living in Africa. However, I have failed; therefore, my husband will no longer deliver shrunken dolls’ heads to cannibals and will certainly not haul decaying human body parts to cannibals.
It should be known that I am not having an affair with any of the elves here. My goodness, would you?
It should also be known that my beloved husband has informed me that he will not be delivering the asked-for gifts to the following:
! A bottle of booze for Mel Gibson.
! A $50 McDonalds gift certificate for Bill Gates.
! Panties for Britney Spears.
! A breast reduction do-it-yourself kit for Pamela Anderson.
! A multi-function vibrator for Gertrude Hogshead.
! Two Russian women for little Billy in Montana.
! A box of Bibles for Joe’s Atheist Book Store.
! 10 edible coffins for Hank at Sweet Dreams funeral home.
! Leonardo Decaprio’ s privates parts for Miss Pruggputter in Colorado.
! A plaster mold of Kate Winslet’s tits for the Reverend Gimme-Gimme.
! Sautéed eyeballs for Hannibal Lector.
! A new boat for Miss Plugger, the lady who likes to plug boat leaks with tampons.
I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. Please, go easy on the milk and cookies this year for Santa.
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More Blogs by William Rogers
From Santa's Woman - Monday, December 18, 2006
It Ain't Easy - Friday, December 15, 2006
Dear Santa - Wednesday, November 29, 2006
STUFF - Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Vote for me, maybe - Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Fudder's Day - Sunday, June 18, 2006
E-ster - Saturday, April 08, 2006
Green Day - Friday, March 18, 2005
At The Grocery Store - Friday, August 13, 2004
Five Months Now - Saturday, August 07, 2004
What I'd Like To Hear - Thursday, June 24, 2004
The Other Side - Monday, June 21, 2004
Pa's Day - Monday, June 14, 2004
Upcoming 4th of July - Sunday, June 13, 2004
Advice - Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Qwest - Sunday, May 30, 2004
TV commercials - Friday, May 14, 2004
A New Pill - Sunday, April 04, 2004
Nothin' Important - Wednesday, March 17, 2004
The Move - Monday, March 08, 2004
Excuses - Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Silly Tips - Monday, February 23, 2004
Fryday Da Thurteenth - Friday, February 13, 2004
Blog Syndrome - Sunday, February 01, 2004
Cold as hell? - Wednesday, January 28, 2004
VD-2004 - Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Snowstorm - Saturday, January 03, 2004
Hoppy Knew Yur - Sunday, December 28, 2003
Santa Was Nice To Me - Thursday, December 25, 2003
Santa Droppings - Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Eve's New Year - Thursday, December 18, 2003
2004 - Thursday, December 18, 2003
Santa's Weight - Sunday, December 14, 2003
A Well Digger's Ass - Thursday, December 11, 2003
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow - Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Dear Santa Part 2 - Saturday, December 06, 2003
Dear Santa - Friday, December 05, 2003
Blog, Iowa? - Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Curl Up With A Good Book - Saturday, November 08, 2003
Leftover Ghost - Tuesday, November 04, 2003
10-31-03 - Friday, October 31, 2003
This and That - Monday, October 27, 2003