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William Rogers

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Member Since: Aug, 2003

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Blogs by William Rogers

From Santa's Woman
12/18/2006 7:55:54 AM

Greetings from the North Pole. I am Mrs. Claus. I usually do not write such letters, but with the craziness going on in this world---well, there are a few things I would like to get off my chest. First of all, let it be known that my husband’s testicles do not contain popcorn.
Now then, things will be a little different this year, in terms of my jolly husband’s travels. I usually do not put my foot down, but Mr. Claus will not be permitted to enter Iraq this year and probably not next. He was nearly shot down three times while in Iraq last year. Donner, one of our beloved reindeer, took a sniper’s bullet but recovered nicely. Also, I have instructed my dear husband to not deliver gifts to those living illegally in the United States, so as there will be more toys for bred Americans. Moreover, I forbid my loving man to come within 100 feet of overrated people like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.
I have tried to come to understand the ways of those who shrink head and cannibals, especially those living in Africa. However, I have failed; therefore, my husband will no longer deliver shrunken dolls’ heads to cannibals and will certainly not haul decaying human body parts to cannibals.
It should be known that I am not having an affair with any of the elves here. My goodness, would you?
It should also be known that my beloved husband has informed me that he will not be delivering the asked-for gifts to the following:
! A bottle of booze for Mel Gibson.
! A $50 McDonalds gift certificate for Bill Gates.
! Panties for Britney Spears.
! A breast reduction do-it-yourself kit for Pamela Anderson.
! A multi-function vibrator for Gertrude Hogshead.
! Two Russian women for little Billy in Montana.
! A box of Bibles for Joe’s Atheist Book Store.
! 10 edible coffins for Hank at Sweet Dreams funeral home.
! Leonardo Decaprio’ s privates parts for Miss Pruggputter in Colorado.
! A plaster mold of Kate Winslet’s tits for the Reverend Gimme-Gimme.
! Sautéed eyeballs for Hannibal Lector.
! A new boat for Miss Plugger, the lady who likes to plug boat leaks with tampons.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. Please, go easy on the milk and cookies this year for Santa.

Thank You
Mrs. Claus


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More Blogs by William Rogers
•  From Santa's Woman - Monday, December 18, 2006  
• It Ain't Easy - Friday, December 15, 2006
• Dear Santa - Wednesday, November 29, 2006
• STUFF - Tuesday, November 07, 2006
• Vote for me, maybe - Wednesday, November 01, 2006
• Fudder's Day - Sunday, June 18, 2006
• E-ster - Saturday, April 08, 2006
• Green Day - Friday, March 18, 2005
• At The Grocery Store - Friday, August 13, 2004
• Five Months Now - Saturday, August 07, 2004
• What I'd Like To Hear - Thursday, June 24, 2004
• The Other Side - Monday, June 21, 2004
• Pa's Day - Monday, June 14, 2004
• Upcoming 4th of July - Sunday, June 13, 2004
• Advice - Tuesday, June 01, 2004
• Qwest - Sunday, May 30, 2004
• TV commercials - Friday, May 14, 2004
• A New Pill - Sunday, April 04, 2004
• Nothin' Important - Wednesday, March 17, 2004
• The Move - Monday, March 08, 2004
• Excuses - Tuesday, February 24, 2004
• Silly Tips - Monday, February 23, 2004
• Fryday Da Thurteenth - Friday, February 13, 2004
• Blog Syndrome - Sunday, February 01, 2004
• Cold as hell? - Wednesday, January 28, 2004
• VD-2004 - Wednesday, January 07, 2004
• Snowstorm - Saturday, January 03, 2004
• Hoppy Knew Yur - Sunday, December 28, 2003
• Santa Was Nice To Me - Thursday, December 25, 2003
• Santa Droppings - Tuesday, December 23, 2003
• Eve's New Year - Thursday, December 18, 2003
• 2004 - Thursday, December 18, 2003
• Santa's Weight - Sunday, December 14, 2003
• A Well Digger's Ass - Thursday, December 11, 2003
• Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow - Wednesday, December 10, 2003
• Dear Santa Part 2 - Saturday, December 06, 2003
• Dear Santa - Friday, December 05, 2003
• Blog, Iowa? - Wednesday, November 12, 2003
• Curl Up With A Good Book - Saturday, November 08, 2003
• Leftover Ghost - Tuesday, November 04, 2003
• 10-31-03 - Friday, October 31, 2003
• This and That - Monday, October 27, 2003


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