Yes, I'm confused what I am I suppose to do when I sat so many years quietly letting everryone think what they want of me. I finally realize I have been like a mannican in a store front window watching the world go by. Unable to make decisions for myself or even speak, the only voice I had a one time was my writing and I allowed someone to take that away from me for a little while. I was scared of causing problems, while I was the problem all the time cause I gave up my God given rights. My right to think, speak, feel and to love freely, especially my right of being an individual separate from my mate. A mother and wife without a voice, opinion, decisions or choice. How did I let that happen? The really queation is when and why?
I know I got tried of argueing and fighting especially in front of the children, then decide to make thing work not matter what happened. So many thing happen over the years that I can't remember what really caused the change. Was it one thing or many, was it all the sudden or a slow process? No one will ever know but God. I can't remember when I became that sombee at home. But I do know that when I was at work I felt alive. I worked with the community, but I often put on a mask so that they would not see my pain and agoney that I beared each day. Why did I let it go on so long, and why I am just recognizing after the event of this day. I wish I only had the answers to these things and more.
Like how can man say he loves his family yet leave them at a drop of a hat, or constantly tell his mate not to break the children spirit as he destroys hers daily (this I allowed). I know it's my fault but what could I have done to change the event that occured during that union. How can you fight something that you don't even suspect or see. These thing shall hunt me as I sleep tonight, but for now all I can do is cry and pray that all will forgive me and charge it to my mind and not my heart. For I didn't mean for any of the past events to happen the way the did.