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Blogs by Victoria Taylor Murray
One Woman's Journey
9/9/2005 12:11:24 PM
Everyone has a story to tell. And a story well-told is worth sharing.
~Writing Into Darkness~
Emotions--alive and dead. Passion--an evil and a pleasure. To what, or to whom does she owe the gratitude for the emotions born in her? Emotions that she is both ashamed of and proud of haunt her like a ghost's presence in the deep of sleep.
A dark night once again upon her for no reason in particular--other than this eternal stage of limbo--as she enters the latter half of her life. One part of her still lives in the family life she once believed she had. Even still, she finds she's not ready to let the dream completely die, as she lingers in bits of a past, long over.
And the child in her still cries for the security of a family she never really knew but so desperately wanted. She isn't ready to give up the idea of mom, dad, brothers, sisters, dogs, and cats...and picket fences to keep her safe and cozy. And yet she must if she is ever to move forward. Forward on to what...to whom? And even if she does move forward, where does it lead? To more dark nights? Or to happily ever after? Either way, there is no such thing. And so, moving forward takes her to nowhere, just the same as living in a long ago dream.
And it is here that she knows what strength is, and what pain is. It is from here that the unknown source of love and hate keeps her in a perpetual state of wonder as the mystery of life gets deeper and darker that she ever thought possible. She doesn't want to look any further into this cave. No matter how deep she goes, light will never illuminate the darkest depths of her being. It seems yet another illusion, and frankly, she's tired of it...
While on her bike today, she rode past a house for sale. She remembered once thinking that if it ever came up for sale, she'd like to buy it. But it was priced in the mid-200's, higher than she could afford, so she won't be purchasing it. But, she started thinking about why she wanted that house. With the long white porch, two car garage, basketball hoop in the driveway, two-tiered deck, and a lake in back. It had 'family' written all over it. It represents a family that she still missed. She found herself still looking over her shoulder wishing for a long ago dream that never really died for her.
Looking forward, she didn't see that same dream, and she didn't know what to wish for any longer . And for her, without wishing--even if they don't get granted--life has little meaning. She'd rather have a thousand wishes and have only one come true, than to have no wishes at all.
All these feelings...and thoughts...and wanting to run from them, led her to pick up a book tonight. She looked down from where she was sitting and saw the book, Dark Nights of the Soul, by Thomas Moore. She randomly picked a page to begin reading, "A spiritual outlook sublimates the darkness. It takes suffering as a starting point and as means for seeing things anew. Creativity begins in a vision that penetrates the status quo. It is life moving onward. You go forward from exactly where you are in your thoughts, feelings, and fantasies to a place you have never known."
Okay...fine. Perhaps, there is some light in that dark cave after all.
Even though the space she's in at the moment feels dark, sad, lonely, and depressing, on another level she knew that purification is also taking place. And her suffering is the birthing of creativity and joy. Coming to terms with the fact that there is no future--only growing and living life moment by moment is humbling. She knew too well that living the whole story--not just the good parts--is where her creativity lives. Darkness of defeat and brilliance of success are cleverly interwoven into her life. It is only there as she comes to another level of understanding--places of her Being. And one of her longtime wishes is to become a great writer.
Wherever her journey leads--despite her protests--her willingness to look deeper will forever remain open to the muse.
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September 2005 Blogs
• One Woman's Journey - Friday, September 09, 2005
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