Blogs by Vanessa Buckner
How Time Flies
7/29/2007 3:54:18 PM
I can't believe I haven't blogged or added anything since February. I have done some writing, though. I guess it feels like things have just slipped out of my control. Maybe I'm not that good at handling the changes and surprises that come down the pike of life.
At the end of February, we moved, and it was brutal. The moving van itself was cause of a 24 hour delay (it got stuck in the ice in the new driveway), and got us a parking ticket (for being a non-passenger vehicle parked overnight in our new town - Malden). It took is forever to move, and more money than we anticipated. We now both have things in storage. We are living with David's friend Mark, and his friend and housemate Tom. It's taken some doing, us all getting used to one another and our habits, though we are each decent people in our own right ... well, you know how it is. New group dynamics. Anyway.
My favorite comedian, Richard Jeni, committed suicide on March 10th. Suicide, my God! I took it very, very hard. He and his jokes had become stuff of our family. Will or Mom or I could spin off a few lines of his comedy and we'd all be in tears, laughing, instantly. I can recite all of his standup routine, "A good Catholic Boy," practically in my sleep. He was the funniest comedian I'd ever heard, and he was a household fixture for us. I'd gone to a live performance of his, but had not met him personally yet. I'd always assumed I would. And then this.
I don't deal very well with suicide, either. I know why people do it, and I understand the needing to simply end the pain, or escape the hopelessness, of snuff out the disgusting, or dishonest, or perfect life you don't seem to be able to stop leading. But I can't deal with it when other people do it. It always traumatizes me, more than any other kind of untimely death, I think.
I was in tears and despondent and could not really work for a week, and everything reminded me of him, and the waste of the rest of his life. I hurt keenly for him and whatever he was going through. I mourned the loss of someone who lit up our lives and probably had no idea how much so. I still feel that way, just writing this.
Anyway, I got in trouble at work for poor performance that week, as I couldn't sleep and didn't want to eat, was exhausted and weepy. I told everyone about his suicide and shared his comedy with those who didn't know it. But I didn't feel I could properly explain to my bosses how deeply it had affected me.
Other things happened, too. My supervisor and manager walked out, in the middle of our company being acquired by another. They went right to our main competitors, and did not give us any warning. He (the manager) told us the day of, and she (the supervisor) never said goodbye, at all. We worked it out, but it felt like betrayal. They didn't do anything to help us make the transition without them. And they were extremely rude in just cutting the ties that way - we all felt so.
Then, at the end of March, my grandmother died. My last living grandparent; my dad's Mom. We found out just a few days before that that she had been ill, but had only been so for less than a week. My father was devastated. We went to my hometown (Pittsburgh, PA) for the funeral. David came with me. I don't think I could have handled it calmly otherwise. The flight, seeing family I hadn't seen in so long, my own fears about mortality, and about my place in the family. David was my rock. And my family loves him! And he loves them, too. It was wonderful to all be there, except for my Mom, who wasn't able to travel (though she wanted to be there).
Various other things took place, like my friend and coworker Kris being laid off, which was a shock. Luckily, she had other things going on in her life, but it was a shock nonetheless. She is extremely competent, does the work of 3 people, and gets paid for about 3/4 of a person, and then this. We had a great send-off for her after work on her last day, though. That was good. I met an awesome guy named Dave Carter there. They call him Carter. And both he and Kris are about actively doing something to help other people that need it, which was humbling. And good.
As for us and our continuing saga of difficulties, David got ill and was out of work for over a week (and I was very worried about him). And now that he's recovered, we have medical bills up to our eyebrows, and are dealing with how we each deal with money. Hoo-boy. My computer's hard drive crashed (still not recovered) with a lot of my writing on it. I can't find the backup disks - hopefully they are safe somewhere in the storage space I rented when we moved.
And of course, there are the stresses within our relationship itself. We've been together almost a year - it'll be a year at the end of August. I feel we're stronger having gone through these things, but I still feel uncertain about others. Whether I can handle them. Whether our relationship will stand the test of time and pressure. We both feel we've found the right person, but neither of us is a relationship guru. We have our peaks and valleys.
Then again, good things have also happened. David and I have some to some new understandings on things between us, which is excellent. I had made some progress with improving my health, and joined a website called SparkPeople.com. I've seen some good films. I met Carter, as I said, and learned more about my friend Kris. I'm learning (the hard way) to put my 9-5 work into proper perspective. And so on.
Anyway, all of this running off at the mouth is to say, I've been a very busy girl, and more down than up, but I'm still here, and I do still write. I felt the need to get back to it, so here I am. --VMB
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More Blogs by Vanessa Buckner
How Time Flies - Sunday, July 29, 2007
moving - Tuesday, February 13, 2007
well ... a very deep subject - Monday, January 29, 2007
the holidays - Monday, January 01, 2007
my latest work in progress - Tuesday, December 19, 2006
My kingdom for a pillow! and a friend - Saturday, December 09, 2006
contest derailed - Thursday, December 07, 2006
A little contest against myself - Thursday, December 07, 2006
A plethora of choices - Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Finding things I'd forgotten about - Saturday, December 02, 2006