The guy next door is throwing darts at the wall. He has been throwing darts now for four hours, mostly when I hear him start the darts I think, what the hell, he can't keep it up for long, his arms will get tired, but tonight he has excelled himself, either that or he is getting desperate. For three of those hours I did not care as I was watching tv in the other room, and as I get increasingly deaf, it gets increasingly louder. When I came in here to write, I put the headphones on and played my favourite music. I could still hear the darts though. I resisted the temptation to blast the music out, as I prefer him to think he is having no effect on me.
The guy is 35 and lives with his mother. I have put up with the darts for years, after all, some people have to live with loud music and parties, so I guessed I was lucky. Then the tapping on the walls began. I hesitated to go and complain to his mother, as for all I knew it might be spirits knocking. Or it might be that my habit of falling asleep with the radio on (see comments above about deafness) was annoying him. I valiantly did without radio for a week, so when the knocking began again, and I knew myself to be not guilty, I decided enough was enough. I stormed out into the backyard at midnight, and shouted his name up at his open window. No response. Thoroughly enraged by now, I went round to their house and hammered on the front door. No response. Into the back garden, and looked for something to bang on his window with. His mother's clothes prop. I gave his window a right good hammering - still no response. Then I realised that if he came into the garden now I was a bit trapped, so I beat a retreat. The knocking had stopped.
An hour later I was still working when there was a knock on my door. I went to the window and leaned out. It was him, yon knocker from next door.
"I'm sorry for knocking on your wall," he called up.
"Why did you do it?"
"I fancy you," he said. Now I had not expected this!
"Don't be ridiculous," I said, "I'm sixty six years old, I don't want to hear nonsense like that!"
"That doesn't matter," he said, "I saw you sunbathing a few years ago, and you took your top off, and ever since then I can't get you out of my mind."
I remembered the incident. It was a lovely hot morning, and I'd gone outside in just the tee shirt and pants I sleep in. Leaning back in the lounger, I'd removed my top and let the sun onto my skin. Hadn't known the next door pervert was looking. I burst out laughing.
"Go away," I said, "and find somebody your own age."
"Geraldine," he called, "will you do me a favour?" - Now he's going to ask for a shag, I thought, god almighty! But no,
"Don't tell me Mam," he said, "she'll throw me out."
The time is getting near, dear boy, that I will tell your Mam!