My neice was eating lunch with me today when the conversation became a bit loud and competitive betwixt the adults present around the table. Suddenly, a sweet little voice began to read the back of the Sweet Baby Ray's Hickory and Brown Sugar Barbecue sauce bottle. Everyone stopped trying to out-talk each other in heated debate (relatively speaking) and listened with rapt interest as she read the blurb on back of the bottle of scrumpious deliciousness. After she finished reading, it suddenly occurred to me that the paragraph was utterly loaded with first person personal pronouns (I think that's what they are) and that the spiel was outrageously blatant self-promotion, something that would be completely shot down in flames if it were written by an Indie Author on a forum somewhere... even a self-promotion forum or website or blog.
Here is the original:
In 1985, my brother, Chef Larry Raymond perfected the family's recipe and entered our all-natural sweet and tangy barbecue sauce into the country's largest rib cookoff. He named it after the nickname I got while playing basketball on Chicago's West Side--- "Sweet Baby Ray". The taste is so fine, the taste beat out nearly 700 entries in the riboff. Within a year, Larry and I, along with our highschool friend Mike O'Brien, formed a company around our award-winning sauce and our simple philosophy about barbecue. "The Sauce is the Boss" signed: Sweet Baby Ray
Pretend this blurb (a bit altered) appeared on the back of my book. Instead of listening in rapt attention, everyone at that table would have run to the nearest computer/Iphone/Ipad/Commodore 64 available and flamed me in front of millions of potential buyers who would immediately shun me and tweet about me and shame me into oblivion for even presuming to assume such a presumptious assumption about my own product, namely my writing, which is just as valid as any gourmet sauce on the store shelves.
Here is how I would change the blurb to suit my own needs:
In 1995, my beta-reader, Miss Pasty Partifluffer, perfected my novel and entered our all-original adventurous and romantic swashbuckling fiction into the country's largest bookoff. She named it after the main character of my story which I gave him whilst making the plot outline in my hotel room on San Saba's North Side--- "The Knight of Death". The story is so fine, the story beat out nearly 7 gazillion entries in the pageoff. Within a year, Pasty and I, along with our highschool friend Trugill Turgitt, formed a publishing company around our award-winning book and our simple philosophy about writing. "The sword is mightier than the pin." Signed: Sweet Brendan Carroll
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