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Kage Alan

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Member Since: Jun, 2009

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Forget Indiana Jones...the Characters I Write Have Sex! (Character Interview 3)
6/30/2009 12:53:33 PM

Are you ready for the final character interview from "Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins"? Allow me to introduce Alan. I don't remember if he has a last name and if he does, it was never a big enough plot point for me to remember anyway. Suffice to say that he's one of two potential suitors Andy (the main character...that much I do remember) meets at school after Christmas. Is there chemistry? You bet! And it's the kind you don't have to study for.

Moi: So, tell me about yourself.

Alan: I was born in England, but one of my parents is American and the other is Chinese. Also, I spend all of my summers in Hong Kong and I'm in the second semester of my freshman year of college.

Moi: Which is when something wonderful happens.

Alan: Something wonderful?

Moi: You start dating Andy.

Alan: 'Dating' is such a strong word. I mean…I know him.

Moi: Aren't the two of you in a relationship?

Alan: One has friendships with gweilos…

Moi: Gweilos?

Alan: White ghosts. Someone like Andy. Like you.

Moi: So you only have friendships with gweilos?

Alan: One doesn't do anything else with the help.

Moi: The help?

Alan: Sure. That whole thing about Asians being subservient and taking care of their gweilo's every whim…it's really just a false sense of security we create to better control you. Ask your partner. He's Asian. He knows.

Moi: Didn't you just get done saying you were half-gweilo, too?

Alan: And that part of me does cause lapses in judgment from time to time.

Moi: So Andy is just a lapse in judgment?

Alan: He is kinda goofy.

Moi: I know. I wrote him that way.

Alan: Don't sound so defensive. Geez. Writers… Anyway, Andy means well, but every time he opens his mouth? Let's face it, something bad happens.

Moi: And yet he seems to like you. Why don't we discuss some of the other characters in the story? Tell me about Miss Kim.

Alan: She scares me.

Moi: Why?

Alan: She likes to hug me and whisper "Oreo cookie" in my ear.

Moi: Okay. (ponders this) Why?

Alan: Why does she do anything? Because her name is Kim. That's the only reason she ever needs.

Moi: (pauses) I'm sorry…we need to go back to something. It really burns my ass that you won't admit how you feel about Andy.

Alan: He's a good guy. There, satisfied?

Moi: As I recall, a major plot point has him defending your honor.

Alan: Okay, a really good guy. Are we almost done? The Golden Girls are on in a few minutes.

Moi: I don't recall writing you to be this difficult.

Alan: My role in life is to rule.

Moi: You mean like my partner with me?

Alan: Absolutely.

Moi: I don't think so.

Alan: Who cooks?

Moi: I do.

Alan: Who cleans?

Moi: I do.

Alan: Who does laundry?

Moi: I do.

Alan: Who folds and irons his clothes.

Moi: He does.

Alan: Don't lie.

Moi: Fine. I do.

Alan: Who's the bottom?

Moi: I... (long pause) Is there a point to this?

Alan: I rest my case and everybody can read about it next month. Oh, and I'll see you all in the third book!

Moi: Your ass can be written out it quite easily.

Alan: Let's ask your partner about that, shall we?

Moi: Grr...


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