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Blogs by Paul Cuenco
Predicament: My Stroke and Writing
4/2/2012 7:15:55 PM
The reason why I started this blog was so that I could remember the things that made my life up. You see, for the longest time, I could not remember things that occurred or if I do, I could not verbalize them to anyone. I suffered a mini-stroke exactly three years ago. And although it was not drastic, meaning the left side of my person was not paralyzed, my thought had been affected. Sure I could remember words and events, but I could not verbalize them. It was as if there were two personalities within me. But I’m sure that that was not the case. Only, I speak to myself, in thought. It was as if I was carrying two conversations although I was quite aware of what was going on. If you could see me then, I looked absolutely normal. I was there, in the thick of the conversation but not in the conversation. I wonder if my friends could ever tell. I tell them about the incident and some would just accept it as a matter of fact while others would brush it aside as if I was just saying it to justify why I was not conversing. Of course I admit that I did not converse much then, but it was more drastic; I just stare at them acknowledging what they say but not returning their conversation.
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Other literary work, search Paul Cuenco in: www.lulu.com, www.kindle.com, www.amazon.com, www.nook.com and www.bn.com
Website: www.paulcuenco.com
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I remember that day when it occurred. I came home from a long trip for a job and I felt absolutely tired. When I woke up the next morning, I had a report to do and I took a pen and started writing. But nothing came out of that writing. It was just a dot. I could not twirl my wrist to write a “t” or an “e” or a “p”. I wrote so small that all that appeared was a dot. Then I said a word. But I cannot say it. I stuttered, and stuttered horribly. I became worried. Not when my boss was going to call me over the phone. And so she did. She noticed a difference in my demeanor and insisted that something was wrong with me. I insisted that she was wrong, stuttering of course. I even went out to my neighbor so that she could tell my boss that everything seemed to be alright with me. But that did not convince her.
That was the time that the national economy was going south. So, I lost my job. I had a very hard time looking for a job; one because the economy was worsening and two because of the effects of my stroke. Whenever I had an interview, I memorize my answers, although not to a great effect. I try to hide my stutter but I realized that that could not be hidden. And when I wrote, I took my time, carefully, very carefully. Even though I could write, then, my writing became horrific.
As you know, I am a writer. I write a lot and love each time I do. Although I could write a little better, my writing was horrific. I could not take the stress of writing for a long time. After half a page, I get tired and unmotivated. I did not write for a long time, no, I did write some but I soon gave up. The journals I kept (up until then, I had about 20 books of journal writing) did not increase. About a year after my stroke, I began to dwell again with my journals. I self-published 4 books but that was not the same as writing. Writing involved though, forethought and putting that thought down on paper. I was not able to do that.
When I was driving down towards Greater Trumps, I began to think about how it was when I had a stroke. I began to hypothesize that it was not that I had two personalities within me like I was crazy. Rather, I think and verbalize, separately. I could carry a conversation within me but I could not say the things I am thinking. It was not spontaneous. The other thing I was thinking was why I had a stroke. I believe that my boss had something to do with it. My boss at that time was a very demanding boss and was a micromanager. She gave me so much stress that I somehow snapped.
Now, instead of writing, I type these essays. I don’t stare and I don’t stutter, anymore. And my thought and verbalization are almost in sync. I still sometimes forget words or events but not that often; that is why I write and can write these blogs. And writing the number “3” is still a bummer but at least it is nearly the number “3” anyone can write.
Other literary work, search Paul Cuenco in: www.lulu.com, www.kindle.com, www.amazon.com, www.nook.com and www.bn.com
Website: www.paulcuenco.com
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