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Richard Harper Mason

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· Runaways

· Triple Jeopardy

· The Warlord's Daughter

· Live the Best Life Possible by Surviving Marriage

· The Diary of a College Rebel

· I Will Drink Your Blood

· Haunted

· The Norphlet Rangers and the Battle of Flat Creek Swmap

· From a Shotgun Shack

· How Me and John Clayton Saved the World

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Part 3, Attack by a pack of Chihuahuas
1/27/2011 8:05:37 AM

The continuing saga of the attack on a paperboy by a pack of flesh-eating Chihuahuas.
Y'all listen up; I got another gripe about me saying them worthless Chihuahua dogs is mean. This time it's from a bunch called C. C. L. A. B. H. C. Well, for y'all who don't live in Beverly Hills, that's the California Chihuahuas Lovers of America, Beverly Hills Chapter. Yep, they's after me. I got one of them 'Stop or your ass is mud' letters. Listen to this, and it's just a little bit of what she said:

"Dear Mr. Mason:
Please refrain and desist your crude and intensely ignorant comments about Chihuahuas! They are the sweetest and most lovable dogs you could ever own. In California we are designated as the dog's guardians……"Blah, blah, blah…and then she said; "I will have you to know the libel statues in California are very strict, and you could face legal action if you continue your trashy tirade about these wonderful pets......."
Heck, that lady went on and on and she ended her letter saying…"We will be monitoring your childish writing and any further derogatory references to our loveable Chihuahuas will be severely dealt with."
Wow, the last time I was severely dealt with was with a Willow limb my daddy used on me. Heck, I wonder if one day the California Chihuahua lovers is gonna show up and switch me for writing about some of the sorriest dogs in the whole, entire world.
I guess they don't know how them worthless, little mean dogs got their name. Well, according to Half Uncle Snort, who lives on Seed Tick Road, down near Moro Bay, them little dogs came from Mexico and they was first brought to Arkansas way back when Herman Desota came to Arkansas looking for gold. Yeah, the Indians over in Mississippi, who told him about the cities of gold in Arkansas, is still laughing 'bout dumb white men. Well, before Herman came to Arkansas looking for gold he spent some time in Mexico, where Chihuahuas was on most menus. Of course old Herman's men felt sorry for them little dogs, that the Indians kept in little cages where you could just point one out and the cook would whack it and roast it for you. I guess that was where folks got the idea of having a lobster tank. One night at one of the local restaurants, after having Chihuahua with all the trimming, some of the soldiers grabbed up the dogs that was left and saved them from being bar-b-qued and served to the second seating. That was about the time Herman decided to go look for gold and so the soldiers headed off to Arkansas taking the a bunch of dogs with them. But while they was still in Mexico the Aztexian Indians told 'em the Indian name for Chihuahuas. An Indian waiter said, "Little dog's name in the Aztexian language is 'Mean little rat dog with sharp teeth---very tasty'. How about that; California woman?
But Half Uncle Snort told me a bunch more stuff about Herman and his adventure in Arkansas. Herman's hunt for gold was a bust, and after walking around for a year or so up around Hot Springs, they ended up that winter camping out down on the Ouachita River near Moro Bay, which is almost in Half Uncle Snort's back yard. Back then the local Indian's name for the river was Saywashashash River which meant 'river of fat fish---very tasty'. Anyway, that bad, cold winter was just about the end of old Herman and his bunch, and after things really got really tough some of the men started eating bark off the trees. About that time one of the soldiers thought about how them Mexico Indians ate Chihuahuas, so he snatched up one up and cooked it. Shoot, them dogs might be mean and ugly, but they ain't dumb, and since Chihuahuas multiply like rabbits, they was around 500 of them running around that winter camp. Heck, in no time a-tall they was a dog revolt. It musta been really something 'cause the dogs whipped old Herman's starving men and took off to the woods. Of course with nothing left to eat Herman and his men took off to Louisiana where they invented gumbo. After the soldiers left, the Indians changed the name of the river from Saywashashash to Ouachita----which means 'Place where dumb white men and tasty little rat dogs fought'. So today the woods in the Ouachita River bottoms is full of the meanest Chihuahuas you ever did see. They are mean as a sack of snakes and they run in packs like a bunch of little wolves. Yeah, if I'm lyin' I'm dyin'; there are thousands of them now and the Arkansas Game and Fish Commission has even set a hunting season on them. You can bag 8 a day---I just hope the California Chihuahuas lovers don't find out about that.
Down around Moro Bay, the heart of Chihuahua country, the dogs are called something I ain't allowed to say, but it I can tell you it's kinda like 'Mean little mothers.'

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More Blogs by Richard Harper Mason
• The Phantom of Norphlet - Wednesday, February 25, 2015
• How to Forget Agents and Traditional Publishers - Thursday, June 27, 2013
• Great American Writers---Mark Twain - Friday, June 21, 2013
• Update on the Richard Series - Thursday, September 27, 2012
• What's the funniest of the Richard, the Paperboy Series? - Tuesday, September 18, 2012
• Part 3, The great roach trick - Tuesday, March 01, 2011
• 8000 roaches, an evil doctor and his floozy nurse---part 2 - Monday, February 21, 2011
• An evil Doctor, his nurse and 8,000 roaches - Tuesday, February 15, 2011
• Richard the paperboy--Chihuahuas and fights - Tuesday, February 08, 2011
• Huttig Junior League Chihuahua Receips - Thursday, February 03, 2011
• Part 4; the Paperboy threatened by Chihuahua lovers - Monday, January 31, 2011
• America's new Mark Twain? - Friday, January 28, 2011
•  Part 3, Attack by a pack of Chihuahuas - Thursday, January 27, 2011  

• Part 2--Paperboy attacked by wild Chihuahuas - Monday, January 24, 2011
• Richard the Paperboy - Wednesday, January 19, 2011

In Search of the First Tribe by richard cederberg

Sixty-seven days after departing Flores Island in Europe’s westernmost waters, the schooner Heimdall and her stalwart crew has finally arrived at the mysterious Isla Socorro in the..  
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