Blogs by William Rogers
Eve's New Year
12/18/2003 9:01:40 AM
Eve Simmons is planning a New Year's party this year. A pretty brunette who turned 22 last month, the buxom bombshell has completed her guest list. Those who will be invited to her party are:
! Freda Lang. Freda is a divorced middle-aged woman who has a glass eye and missing two fingers, the latter due to a mishap while slicing dough for cinnamon rolls (she went ahead and baked the rolls anyway). Now pretty much everyting about Freda is normal except one thing: she likes to throw fresh tampons at passing motorists. Her fifth husband told her to stop or he'd leave her. She didn't; her husband of three months left her. She is currently dating a dwarf plumper whose dream is to ride an elephant across Africa.
! Joe Livingston. Joe, a retired school teacher, spends most of his time looking for Spanish gold coins near Mexican bars. A widower for five years, he also enjoys going to cemeteries and telling jokes to those who died after the year 1950. Joe's goal in life is to invent a condom that says Enter or Do Not Enter.
! Larry Davis. Larry, a haplessly married carpenter, used to date Eve Simmons but dumped her after catching her urinating on his wife's only rosebush. Mrs. Davis didn't mind. In fact, she cut the wettest part of the bush and put it under her pillow. This angered Larry, and he decided to try the gay life. He's currently dating an older man who spends a few hours each day listening to toilet stools flush.
! Lucy Ingles. Lucy is a curvaceous blonde who believes poison ivy plants have been given a bad rap. Her house is loaded with such plants. Every Sunday she does door to door in her neighborhood and offers the plants for free. No takers as yet. According to Lucy, she has yet to break out in a rash from her beloved plants. Lucy is the mother of two spoiled brats, a boy named Poison and a girl named Ivy. Lucy is dating a doctor by the name of Justin Plant.
! Jack Little. Jack is known in his part of town as Horse. Not because he looks like one, but because he, according to Eve Simmons, is hung like one. Problem is, Jack's not into women--or men. No, Jack Little is in love with his inflatable doll, a Barbara Walters look-a-like. According to Jack, "Barbara" interviews him once a week and always manages to bring tears to his eyes. Jack's working on a novel and has been for three years. What he has written so far is this: "It was a dark and stormy night."
!Benny Watters. Benny, a balding man in his fifties, talks so much and so rapidly that he almost continuously wipes drool away from his mouth with a handkerchief. His wife of ten years left him for a younger man, one who spoke very little. Benny didn't care. In fact, he celebrated his divorce and later met a woman whose dream was to hide her head in an elephant's ass until passing out. Benny spends some of his time following anyone who looks bloated.
! Beth Adams. Beth is an attractive young woman who dreams of becoming a nun. She is seen nearly every day at her favorite grocery store, feeling cucumbers but never buying one. On a wall in her living room is a large painting of Jesus Christ and the Devil, each wearing a pair of boxing gloves, their hands in position to do battle. Beth is currently dating another wanna-be nun, an ex-biker who enjoys watching people regurgitate.
! Amber Stevens. Amber, a self-proclaimed nymphomaniac, who farts each time she thinks about sex. So often does she pass gas that people hold their breath while passing her in public places. So many lovers does she have that she has to keep their names on file. Amber's goal in life is to have sex with the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She also wants to cuddle the blindfolded Lady Justice. She would like to marry someday---but only if her chosen man accepts her boyfriends.
There are several more screwballs on Eve Simmons' list. I don't know who they are. Lucky me. W.R.
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