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Blogs by Blondie Clayton
My Father’s Death Unleashed Memories I Thought I Had Conquered
7/5/2007 3:14:49 PM
The voice of the many thousands of children who have felt abandoned in divorce, death, life and birth, who thought it was over, that you had moved pass your feelings. . .
My father has only been buried for several weeks now. I didn’t go to the funeral. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. It seems as if there is still so much to be said, that we didn’t get a chance to say. But I’m grateful for the time I did share. I thought of many reasons not to attend his funeral but I guess the real reason is I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. He didn’t raise me. I have my mother to thank for that. Perhaps even in his death I wanted leverage. Maybe my absence would send a message: “You weren’t there for me when you were alive, so why should I be there for you in death.”
I thought I had forgiven him but now I realize I hadn’t. And now his life is over and I am left to work through my life. Why do children from divorces and broken relationships feel such chains that seem like they will never go away? I want to be rid of these feelings but they seem to keep revisiting me.
All of my siblings were there, except me. Didn’t think I could handle it. Thought that it would hurt so much to sit and listen to others tell how great a father he was to them, when I, a child, he birthed knew not even his favorite foods, colors, likes or dislikes.
No, I just couldn’t do it, not now, maybe later, but I need time to let the scabs that have fallen off the old wounds to completely heal.
I don’t want to hear family and friends tell me how I shouldn’t feel the way I feel, that it’s over.
Yeah, it is over for my father, but for me not yet. If I don’t acknowledge my feelings how will I ever work through them? Done enough of that in my lifetime, refuse to do it any more.
My eldest son wanted to hear how I felt. When I was done he said, “Mom, it’s okay. It is what it is.”
Those words just kept echoing in my mind: It is what it is.
What is it? My father chose not to have a relationship with me or my siblings while he lived. That’s the truth. I had refused to accept it. Still struggling with that even at the age I am, grown, with children and grandchildren. The question that keeps coming up is: Why would a man not pursue a relationship with his children?
There is no logical answer that I can come up with. As I reflect on what I saw in his character, it seemed easier to take up with a woman with kids and be their daddy because he didn’t have to give very much of himself. Maybe he could even walk away whenever he wanted. To those children he was probably more of a friend than a father.
Sooner or later I will have to let go; maybe it will be easier now that he is dead. I want to be free of him, yet in some way I think . . . thought I was punishing him. I tried so many years to pretend he didn’t exist, that my life was better off without him. . . Doesn’t every child need a father? Deserve a father? For so many years I felt incomplete without a father in my life. My mother had many relationships but I always longed for my father, the man who participated in my birth. No one could take his place. I use to dream that one day we would be together again.
Perhaps if had never met him it would be better. Had he left and I never got to know him, maybe that would have been better. I don’t know. I only know that by the time he died I had no more tears to cry, every bit of emotion within me seemed to have a shield around it.
My dream was to spend more time with him but again in death I have been abandoned. Don’t understand why things have to be this way. Wanted the perfect life, mother, father, siblings, grandparents, uncles, aunts, all of us together in harmony and love.
So now I get to say here what will never be heard by my dad ever again.
IT IS WHAT IT IS!!!!!
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More Blogs by Blondie Clayton
• My Blogs - Saturday, August 21, 2010
• What Women Want to Tell Men. . . But Can't - Wednesday, August 29, 2007
• Step Parenting Tips: If You're Not Ready Don't Start! - Tuesday, August 14, 2007
• My Father’s Death Unleashed Memories I Thought I Had Conquered - Thursday, July 05, 2007
• I Once Was Afraid of Dying But Not Any More! - Monday, October 30, 2006
• A 19-year Old Father Who Never Gave Up And What His Daughter Has To Say - Wednesday, September 20, 2006
• Crossing While Black: Are Railroad Authorities Targeting Minorities - Monday, September 18, 2006
• Angry Moments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Thursday, August 24, 2006
• The Power Of Words - Friday, July 21, 2006
• Family Reunion: Preserving Spirituality - Wednesday, July 19, 2006
• A Little Talk With My Father Today - Friday, July 14, 2006
• Kind Acts Can Become Contagious - Monday, July 10, 2006
• What Do You Know About "Blondie"? - Thursday, June 29, 2006
• My Heart Breaks - Tuesday, June 20, 2006
• 23-Things That "Ruffle My Feathers"--And Adding - Monday, June 19, 2006
• Your Burden Maybe The Key To Your Purpose Driven Life - Thursday, June 15, 2006
• The Joy Of Living With Purpose - Wednesday, June 14, 2006
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