Blogs by Rebecca J Burns
To blog or not to blog, that is the question
3/27/2006 7:31:50 PM
Why do we need to share our thoughts and feelings?
Is it to feel connected, accepted or heard?
What need is it that I am trying to fill by having others read my thoughts? Is it to feel connected, accepted or heard? I would say all of the above but heard strikes a cord tonight. I was sharing with a group of M&M Friends, (you know who you are) tonight about the topic of a book I am writing, a very passionate book titled, "The Last Straw,” the answer to why didn’t you just leave? (Explaining the unexplainable to others as to why you stayed in an abusive relationship) when tears began to well up. Thank God, we were on the phone and they could not see the woman who tries so hard to be pulled together and full of grace, began to cry. The subject was quickly changed so that I could recover.
I was not about to cry out of sadness for myself tonight, most of that sadness has been dealt with and in is the past (except for the occasional night terror or flashback) where it belongs. I honestly felt the tears well up inside of me for the woman who does not feel connected, accepted of heard! I cry for her, I feel for her, I want to help her and sometimes I don't know how.
Then I go to bed and have my nightly chat with my God and remember how to help. Then I wake up, work hard, love my son and appreciate my life and where I am now and especially how far I have come. I appreciate that I finally feel connected, I finally feel accepted and that I finally feel heard. Most of all I appreciate that I finally feel safe. Safe from a life that was and never, ever should have been real. I am finally safe from a man, but the fear lingers when I am in that deep sleep, the one when you have no control over your dreams. The one where the man running out from the closet with the cleaver is real and when you scream and you have no voice, that is real too. I scream in the dream and nothing comes out, then I wake, shaking, wondering if he is in the room still. Then I sit for a few minutes and focus on the fact that I was dreaming and that the boogieman can't hurt me anymore. God took him, or maybe the other man did, I don't really care, I am just glad that he is gone.
I go to the bathroom and get a drink of water. I look in the mirror at the woman who has come so far but in her moments of weakness, when she falls asleep, feeling safe, yet she still can’t seem to leave that house of horrors, the house she still lives in till this day.
It is not really that bad for when I am awake it feels like Disney land and I am the princess. I open all the shades, pour a cup of coffee and get to work. I feel blessed for each day I have to write my silly blog and share my thoughts and feelings with the unknown. I spent too many years unknown.
It is for the women that remain unknown that I write tonight and most nights.
There is a way out baby,
Follow me for I did it.
Just do what you momma taught you at two
Put one foot in front of the other...
Soon you'll be walking out that door, oor, oor...
You put one foot in front of the other and run off to a world that’s all your own!
Love & Peace,
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