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Life and Death
3/11/2008 7:01:33 PM
Sometimes life just sucks.
I have a daughter with my best and oldest friend who also happens to be my ex husband. At one point, over 10 years ago my daughter lived with her father and his wife (Nancy) who he married about 19 years ago. Over the years, I grew to love his wife with all of my heart. She loved my child dearly and was a great mother to my child. She had no other children. I will always be grateful for the love, care, support and guidance that she gave to my child. I know how hard it is to love another persons child. My daughter has adored Nancy since the day she met her almost 20 years ago.
Nancy grew a bit weary of my daughters father over the last year or so. Nothing that should have been serious. Just too much time together, probably. They separated last November. Soon, feelings of rejection inflicted crazy emotionally based reactions in my daughter's father. He felt vengeful from the feelings of inadequacy, uncertainty and rejection- so he got a bit manipulative. I have known him for 30 years and I kind of know how he works.
I have been helping Nancy financially and (as much as I knew how), I supported and nurtured her through her time of disillusionment and discontent. I wasn't that great of a help, I guess. I did as much as I felt I could without butting in too much. I called her regularly to check on her and make sure she was OK. I got the feeling that something was terribly, terribly wrong. I didn't know what to do.
I suspected that she was going to kill herself, and I confronted her. She wouldn't admit that she was planning to.
Then, on Sunday morning before last (March 2) I got the phone call informing me that she had indeed killed herself. She was a nurse in Austin, Texas. After her shift on that Saturday night, she went home on Sunday morning (She had taken 3 I.V. rigs from work, and a lethal combination of drugs) and hooked herself up to the 3 I. V.'s and euthanized herself like a dog.
I had always felt that we had an alliance in the common goal of the nurturing and support of my daughter. Through great adversity, we remained focused on my daughters well being and academic career and achievements. I hate so much that she did not know that if you just sit still long enough the whole world will change. Quickly. And she never considered the dynamics of her relationship with my daughter's father. The man was hurt. It had only been a couple of months. He still loved her and life could have been 'ok' again had she given it some time. There are many details. Too many to mention. But it all cumulated into a horrible result.
These were two people who had been living a wonderful life. They lived in a beautiful home in the Texas Hill Country with the Blanco River running through their property. They had been clean and sober for almost 20 years (12 step), and they had literally hundreds of friends.
200 people attended Nancy's memorial service in the small town of Wimberley.
I truly do not understand. I feel devastated. My heart is broken. I miss her so much. I hurt for my daughter's loss of her other mother. I hurt for her father who is my dear, dear friend. And I feel that I let my Nancy down.
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