Blogs by William F DeVault
has it really been four weeks?
6/24/2004 5:18:36 AM
It has been four weeks since my last entry.
Four weeks. Twenty nine days, actually.
The tendonitis in my left elbow is getting worse...but I am unable to seek medical attention for it, so I am just living on a diet of cold compresses and Alleve. Now they tell me Alleve is not good for you. Am considering giving up oxygen, I hear everyone who breathes it dies eventually.
It is now an endurance game. I have gone from Jeremiah to Job to Joel and back to Job.
The local Quaker Fellowship is a good group. I shall have to stick with them, if I can. I miss the artifice of other denominations, sometimes, but I know this is a clearer, truer path. I'm not here for me.
Having lived my life as a champion, I now find myself as ronin. It is very unsettling. Aside from my art, my works, I have no purpose in existing now. I refuse to give up, give out, give in to the inevitable. If the fates want me, they'll have to come for me.
I find myself falling into familiar patterns of debilitating myself to help others, even those who have rejected me. I'll never learn, probably. One would think after the long run of betrayals, denials and deceptions from so many that I have offered my all to, I'd learn.
Maybe I am not as smart as it is reputed.
Or maybe I am just trying to be the last romantique.
To what end, I am not sure. It is a skill, and a lifestyle for which there seem few employers.
It is a shame I had to leave so much of value behind when I moved. Two thousand dollars woth of books sits mouldering, out of my reach for want to postage to send for it.
The cycle of depressions is making things more difficult. I am not used to being useless. This pit is deep and the sides slippery with age and sweat. I am tired of covering for others and ending up looking like the villain.
Do I have enough left of me and in me for one last run upon the cliffs?
Time will tell.
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