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William F DeVault

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Member Since: Aug, 2000


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Blogs by William F DeVault

getting naked
1/26/2005 5:34:26 AM

I decided today to get naked with the world.

No, don't shield your eyes. Not that way.

But to start being brutally honest about my world and my perceptions of it. I've grown tired of the BS, of people who would run me down as roadkill for their own modest gains. Of users. Of liars.

The world is being inherited by third-string intellects and bent simulacrums of humanity, because the truly smart, the truly wise and the truly good are spending all their time propping up the weak to the point that the strong wither and die as they are overwhelmed by the parasites. That, and an amazing army of those empowered with the will of Salieri, that the mediocre (who outnumber the gifted) must destroy anything better than them. Destroy through creating a scoiety of artifice and obstacles based on the criteria of the mediocre rather that talents and intellect and excellence.

I'm not saying we should let the weak perish. Indeed, my adult life has been largely an act of charity towards people who beg for sanctuary, then rob me blind, then ask for help (not forgiveness, more help). And I, the incompetent but earnest lug that I am, invariably grant their wishes over my survival. Then, in order to find what they have done more palatable to themselves and others, they lie about it. I once had a bood stab me in the back to protect his position, then tell me what a great guy I was and how I should be a minister. Lousy boss, lousy human being. If I treated people that way and had a single instant of moral clarity, I hope I would do the right thing and kill myself, in fulfillment of the Nosferatu's Dream.

You know why "wings as oft leathery as feathery", my memoir, has not yet been published? An old lover contacted me and begged me to not publish it, as she had not told her new husband that we had ever been more than "friends". Hubby, not the nearest exit. Because I walked away from that train wreck when I found out she was sleeping with everyone, everyone, she could get close to. It's not that this makes her a bad person (stupid perhaps, but not evil)...but the lying about it, that is what makes it bad. That's when I made my excuses and bugged out. And what else has she lied to you about and what else will she lie to you about?

I am still spending hours a week doing favours for another ex. Why? She asks. She tells me how she can't function without my help. She makes veiled promises (or is it threats?) of a reconciliation. Aigh! I don't believe in her promises, I don't want her back. I am slowly weaning myself from that codependency. I am too much the schmuck to want to just make a clean break and let her fall on her ass because not only do I hate the notion of someone getting hurt, but having already been privy to some of the outlandish lies she made up about me in order to secure her current social situation, God knows what she will say if she doesn't have to worry about getting any more help from me. Well, that and three boxes of my personal affects I am beginning to suspect are being held hostage. I'd really hate to lose my high school year books and my coffin because I didn't meet the ransom demands. Besides, having already ghostwritten so much of her professional and academic work, I've put her in a position where, if I walk, she's got a real problem living up to the expectations of her peers.

I have been told I have the classic "Champion" personality. I have a hard time using my talents for my own gain. I have to be using it for another cause, another person. Thus I have often attracted emotionally crippled women who want protection from their past pains and the own failings. Not a Messiah complex, God help me, but a cross between a Boy Scout and a Superman complex.

I have sins of my own. Scars of my own. And weaknesses of my own. I am, if not evil, at least incompetent in many areas (I draw the distinction that evil is willful. a mistake is a mistake, until you can't admit to it. I've worked for many bosses in corporate America that would never admit a screw up, and would fire an innocent rather than see their own reputation tarnished. depriving a person of a job, of their means of esteem and livelihood, in order to protect your reputation. would that be considered evil? yep.)

I write. This is what I was built for, whether by my creator or a confluence of genetic and environmental issues. I'm good at it. Some say great. Me, I'll let history decide. I am alone in the world at this point in part because I made a choice, I manipulated the situation so that I could effortlessly exit without making her feel that I was leaving her. The truth was, I wanted out. I was tired of being lied to and lied about, of being the bogeyman to use for leverage with friends and family when she wanted something from them.

Had I not uncovered the tip of the iceberg of her lies, I have no doubt we'd still be together. But, once I knew at least part of the charade, I couldn't stick around for when she did something truly monstrous (if she hasn't already) then asked me to take the rap for it. I orchestrated her meeting some people she would be comfortable with, then when she straddled the fence, I made my excuses and left. Manipulative? Yes. But she got what she wanted and I got out.

On another front, yes, it burns me that another high-profile now has everything she took from me (a spouse, children, Los Angeles). But at the same time, I have my life and my talent and options. And, I chose this path. Maybe without seeing all the possible permutations, but I made the choice, and all roads contain some element of ignorance. I am strong enough to climb that hill, strong enough to overcome the failings, and (as Sylvester Stallone in "Rocky III") getting mad enough to fight back.

I am sorry for some of the errors I have made, sorry if I have hurt anyone in my all-too-human failings. Sorry I have not always chosen the right cup, but at least I've avoided the hemlock.

There is much to be grateful for. And I am. My children, for one part. Much to still hope for. Maybe finding someone who really believes in love as an ends and not just a means to an end. And I do. And much to be done. So, so much to be done. And there are others out there, working for much the same goals as I.

I am ready. Whether for some new woman who seeks my aid, or for myself, having finally found a way to negate my selflessness, the time runs thin and I have no more need or desire to waste myself on buttressing towers of sand.

Just let me get some clothes on, first.

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More Blogs by William F DeVault
• amomancies launches! - Monday, July 28, 2014
• In honor of my return..the taste - Friday, May 09, 2014
• and where have I been - Thursday, July 01, 2010
• it was coughing up blood, this morning - Friday, January 19, 2007
• steering the blog over - Monday, May 09, 2005
• anecdotal evidence - Thursday, May 05, 2005
• sprinting to the edge of the sphere - Monday, May 02, 2005
• thus endeth the tour - Sunday, May 01, 2005
• The Book N Bean Read - Saturday, April 30, 2005
• recess is over - Tuesday, April 26, 2005
• may you live in interesting times - Sunday, April 24, 2005
• we have ignition and second-stage separation - Saturday, April 23, 2005
• we are t-plus 12 hours and the clock is running - Wednesday, April 20, 2005
• unzipped..and ready to rock - Tuesday, April 19, 2005
• random notes and musings - Saturday, April 16, 2005
• One does not applaud the tenor for clearing his throat - Wednesday, April 13, 2005
• just another manic monday - Monday, April 11, 2005
• a vile attar - Sunday, April 10, 2005
• just another random update - Friday, April 08, 2005
• at the bar in the Black Bear - Friday, April 08, 2005
• I met an extraordinary man today - Thursday, April 07, 2005
• walking to the nearest star - Thursday, April 07, 2005
• my 10 favourite things? - Monday, April 04, 2005
• dreams and nightmares... - Sunday, April 03, 2005
• truly odd... - Thursday, March 31, 2005
• editing and losing my mind - Tuesday, March 29, 2005
• yes - Thursday, March 24, 2005
• mental floss - Wednesday, March 23, 2005
• it's a sunday - Sunday, March 20, 2005
• aigh...edits... - Friday, March 18, 2005
• interesting, interesting - Wednesday, March 16, 2005
• first day sales - Tuesday, March 15, 2005
• invocato - Monday, March 14, 2005
• crazy eddie moment - Sunday, March 13, 2005
• so, I'm stuck on this planet - Saturday, March 12, 2005
• having stepped back - Friday, March 11, 2005
• the steel furnace of dreams - Thursday, March 10, 2005
• momentum - Monday, March 07, 2005
• a mixed bag - Sunday, March 06, 2005
• contemplating - Thursday, March 03, 2005
• decree - Sunday, February 27, 2005
• a quiet moment - Friday, February 25, 2005
• just sliding by - Thursday, February 24, 2005
• the apricots - Wednesday, February 23, 2005
• made it through the valentine's season - Tuesday, February 15, 2005
• stream of conciousness - Saturday, February 05, 2005
• question - Saturday, February 05, 2005
• confessions - Friday, February 04, 2005
• February 4th... - Friday, February 04, 2005
• working in the hearths of Tartarus - Thursday, February 03, 2005
• I'm back - Thursday, February 03, 2005
• nightmares - Sunday, January 30, 2005
• 1/28/2005 8:43:56 AM - Friday, January 28, 2005
• weirdness in a mundane universe - Wednesday, January 26, 2005
•  getting naked - Wednesday, January 26, 2005  

• the inner mantichore - Tuesday, January 25, 2005
• got the clearance - Wednesday, January 19, 2005
• creditor relationships - Sunday, January 16, 2005
• survived the photo shoot - Thursday, January 13, 2005
• smile with your eyes - Thursday, January 13, 2005
• the interview - Wednesday, January 12, 2005
• the two questions - Wednesday, January 05, 2005
• all truths are atomic - Tuesday, January 04, 2005
• I have to admit... - Friday, December 31, 2004
• I left the house... - Thursday, December 30, 2004
• the answers are elegant - Wednesday, December 29, 2004
• the price of passion - Tuesday, December 28, 2004
• with wings as oft leathery as feathery, vol I - Monday, December 27, 2004
• Interesting... - Monday, December 27, 2004
• we wish you some hairy fishnuts.... - Saturday, December 25, 2004
• cold... - Thursday, December 23, 2004
• step 2: where'd I leave my Diet RC? - Tuesday, December 21, 2004
• step 1: man plans, God laughs - Sunday, December 19, 2004
• woof - Saturday, December 18, 2004
• the whirlwind rides... - Thursday, December 16, 2004
• my virtual christmas card - Monday, December 13, 2004
• a Dreyfuss moment - Saturday, December 11, 2004
• I read the news today, oh boy... - Wednesday, December 08, 2004
• looking for a pair of dusty sandals... - Monday, December 06, 2004
• Is it Monday again? - Monday, December 06, 2004
• uh oh - Sunday, December 05, 2004
• Independence Day +3 - Friday, December 03, 2004
• independence day +1 - Wednesday, December 01, 2004
• ab initio, round two - Monday, November 29, 2004
• beyond the pale of feeling - Monday, November 22, 2004
• lost my mojo - Wednesday, November 10, 2004
• can I get a harrumph outta that guy? - Wednesday, November 10, 2004
• in silence - Monday, November 08, 2004
• Election day... - Tuesday, November 02, 2004
• to sleep with the angels - Sunday, September 19, 2004
• open microphones...closed doors - Tuesday, September 14, 2004
• finding me - Wednesday, September 08, 2004
• just a guy - Friday, September 03, 2004
• and the timelines fray and reweave - Tuesday, August 24, 2004
• and the band played on... - Saturday, August 21, 2004
• the puzzle pondered Plato - Thursday, August 05, 2004
• return of the cliff runner - Wednesday, July 28, 2004
• something moves in the shadows - Sunday, July 25, 2004
• making chicken salad... - Wednesday, July 21, 2004
• The Ides of Julius - Thursday, July 15, 2004
• Two weeks and counting? - Sunday, July 11, 2004
• thinking of the book - Friday, June 25, 2004
• has it really been four weeks? - Thursday, June 24, 2004
• T minus 23 hours - Wednesday, May 26, 2004
• frankly, Phillip, its a tangle... - Tuesday, May 11, 2004
• from the road - Friday, April 30, 2004
• fini - Tuesday, April 27, 2004
• reading - Saturday, April 24, 2004
• stronger today - Thursday, April 08, 2004
• exceeding crush depth - Wednesday, April 07, 2004
• 30- - Thursday, March 25, 2004

Suddenly Free, Purpose of Joy by Yvette Davis

Suddenly Free, Purpose off Joy is the second in the series. Suddenly Free is a chronicle of what life might be like immediately before the Rapture, and the Coming of Jesus Christ...  
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