Blogs by William F DeVault
1/26/2005 5:34:26 AM
I decided today to get naked with the world.
No, don't shield your eyes. Not that way.
But to start being brutally honest about my world and my perceptions of it. I've grown tired of the BS, of people who would run me down as roadkill for their own modest gains. Of users. Of liars.
The world is being inherited by third-string intellects and bent simulacrums of humanity, because the truly smart, the truly wise and the truly good are spending all their time propping up the weak to the point that the strong wither and die as they are overwhelmed by the parasites. That, and an amazing army of those empowered with the will of Salieri, that the mediocre (who outnumber the gifted) must destroy anything better than them. Destroy through creating a scoiety of artifice and obstacles based on the criteria of the mediocre rather that talents and intellect and excellence.
I'm not saying we should let the weak perish. Indeed, my adult life has been largely an act of charity towards people who beg for sanctuary, then rob me blind, then ask for help (not forgiveness, more help). And I, the incompetent but earnest lug that I am, invariably grant their wishes over my survival. Then, in order to find what they have done more palatable to themselves and others, they lie about it. I once had a bood stab me in the back to protect his position, then tell me what a great guy I was and how I should be a minister. Lousy boss, lousy human being. If I treated people that way and had a single instant of moral clarity, I hope I would do the right thing and kill myself, in fulfillment of the Nosferatu's Dream.
You know why "wings as oft leathery as feathery", my memoir, has not yet been published? An old lover contacted me and begged me to not publish it, as she had not told her new husband that we had ever been more than "friends". Hubby, run...do not walk...to the nearest exit. Because I walked away from that train wreck when I found out she was sleeping with everyone, everyone, she could get close to. It's not that this makes her a bad person (stupid perhaps, but not evil)...but the lying about it, that is what makes it bad. That's when I made my excuses and bugged out. And what else has she lied to you about and what else will she lie to you about?
I am still spending hours a week doing favours for another ex. Why? She asks. She tells me how she can't function without my help. She makes veiled promises (or is it threats?) of a reconciliation. Aigh! I don't believe in her promises, I don't want her back. I am slowly weaning myself from that codependency. I am too much the schmuck to want to just make a clean break and let her fall on her ass because not only do I hate the notion of someone getting hurt, but having already been privy to some of the outlandish lies she made up about me in order to secure her current social situation, God knows what she will say if she doesn't have to worry about getting any more help from me. Well, that and three boxes of my personal affects I am beginning to suspect are being held hostage. I'd really hate to lose my high school year books and my coffin because I didn't meet the ransom demands. Besides, having already ghostwritten so much of her professional and academic work, I've put her in a position where, if I walk, she's got a real problem living up to the expectations of her peers.
I have been told I have the classic "Champion" personality. I have a hard time using my talents for my own gain. I have to be using it for another cause, another person. Thus I have often attracted emotionally crippled women who want protection from their past pains and the own failings. Not a Messiah complex, God help me, but a cross between a Boy Scout and a Superman complex.
I have sins of my own. Scars of my own. And weaknesses of my own. I am, if not evil, at least incompetent in many areas (I draw the distinction that evil is willful. a mistake is a mistake, until you can't admit to it. I've worked for many bosses in corporate America that would never admit a screw up, and would fire an innocent rather than see their own reputation tarnished. depriving a person of a job, of their means of esteem and livelihood, in order to protect your reputation. would that be considered evil? yep.)
I write. This is what I was built for, whether by my creator or a confluence of genetic and environmental issues. I'm good at it. Some say great. Me, I'll let history decide. I am alone in the world at this point in part because I made a choice, I manipulated the situation so that I could effortlessly exit without making her feel that I was leaving her. The truth was, I wanted out. I was tired of being lied to and lied about, of being the bogeyman to use for leverage with friends and family when she wanted something from them.
Had I not uncovered the tip of the iceberg of her lies, I have no doubt we'd still be together. But, once I knew at least part of the charade, I couldn't stick around for when she did something truly monstrous (if she hasn't already) then asked me to take the rap for it. I orchestrated her meeting some people she would be comfortable with, then when she straddled the fence, I made my excuses and left. Manipulative? Yes. But she got what she wanted and I got out.
On another front, yes, it burns me that another high-profile now has everything she took from me (a spouse, children, Los Angeles). But at the same time, I have my life and my talent and options. And, I chose this path. Maybe without seeing all the possible permutations, but I made the choice, and all roads contain some element of ignorance. I am strong enough to climb that hill, strong enough to overcome the failings, and (as Sylvester Stallone in "Rocky III") getting mad enough to fight back.
I am sorry for some of the errors I have made, sorry if I have hurt anyone in my all-too-human failings. Sorry I have not always chosen the right cup, but at least I've avoided the hemlock.
There is much to be grateful for. And I am. My children, for one part. Much to still hope for. Maybe finding someone who really believes in love as an ends and not just a means to an end. And I do. And much to be done. So, so much to be done. And there are others out there, working for much the same goals as I.
I am ready. Whether for some new woman who seeks my aid, or for myself, having finally found a way to negate my selflessness, the time runs thin and I have no more need or desire to waste myself on buttressing towers of sand.
Just let me get some clothes on, first.
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