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Carol Culver Rzadkiewicz

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Blogs by Carol Culver Rzadkiewicz

If I Were An Advice Columnist
3/30/2008 9:00:02 PM    [ Flag as Spam or Inappropriate ]

Then again, maybe I'm too long-winded to be an advice columnist.

 

 

I’ve always thought it would be rather fun to have my own advice column—like Dear Abby or Ask Ann—but, naturally, my column would be called Dear Ms Carol, for obvious reasons. Moreover, in my column, just like Abby and Ann, I would provide sage advice to all the dear readers who wrote to me seeking my wise council. However, unlike Abby and Ann, or any other self-proclaimed psychotherapist, I would not take myself seriously. For that matter, if I were a reader, I would not take me seriously either, especially since I am no more qualified to dispense advice than my cat, Bug, or my dogs, Bogart and Beanbag. I am, however, like most advice columnists, a writer suffering from delusions of grandeur, who has convinced herself that readers might actually give a hoot about what she has to say. 

 

So you ask, “Ms Carol, what kind of sage advice would you provide to your dear readers?”

 

Good question, and since I myself have been rather curious, I asked a friend to write a letter to Dear Ms Carol and that letter follows, along with my astute and quite clever rejoinder:

 

Dear Ms Carol,

 

My husband, “Ned,” is driving me crazy with his jealousy. But let me make it clear that he has no reason to be jealous; he simply is. I think it has something to do with his first marriage, although he refuses to talk about it. Anyway, Ned wants to know where I am every hour of the day. You won’t believe this, but he goes through the receipts whenever I come home from shopping at the mall, checking the time I left one store against the time I left another or the time I spent in a restaurant perhaps having lunch with a friend—a female friend, I might add. And if Ned thinks there is too much time unaccounted for or too large a gap between the time I checked out of one store and the time I checked out of another, he demands to know where I was, what I was doing, and who I was with. He also pouts for days, going around the house and mumbling that I must be cheating on him. Please help. I love him, but I’m at my wits end.

 

Signed,

 

Wife of a Stalker

 

Dear Stalker’s Wife,

 

There’s an old saying about husbands: “You can’t live with ‘em; you can’t shoot ‘em”. Then again, maybe it’s “You can’t live with ‘em; you can’t live without ‘em.” Not that it matters, since either way the saying makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

 

Why? Well, because, yes, one can shoot one’s husband, but what woman in her right mind is going to shoot a husband when she can make him suffer for the rest of his life by divorcing him and getting the house; the car; the furniture (All but the hideously tacky pieces he either possessed before marriage or else insisted on purchasing after marriage); his wide-screen TV, complete with its elaborate surround-sound system; life-long alimony (remember, you only lose it if you remarry, so fight the urge if it ever strikes you—just keep telling yourself it’s like  gastric distress and it will pass); child support (if there are rug-rats involved); plus his retirement account and stock portfolio (not that stocks are worth much at the moment, but hold on to them then sell when the market stabilizes).

 

As for living without a husband, that’s a no brainer because a woman sure the heck can live without a husband and have a lot more fun doing so. Just think about it—no more dirty underwear and socks scattered about for you to pick up; no more water splashed all over the bathroom for you to wipe up; no more cooking meals when you aren’t in the mood; no more having to see him sitting on the sofa—surrounded by beer cans and empty potato chip bags—during football season; no more being kept awake by his snoring; no more having to listen to him curse the cat; and no more writing letters to Dear Ms Carol complaining about your husband’s irrational behavior. 

 

But I digress, so back to your problem: If, for some unfathomable reason, divorce is out of the question, I suggest you teach Ned a lesson by showing him just how utterly ridiculous he is acting. So, the next time you go to the mall, get an early start—be there when the doors open—and visit as many stores as humanly possible, purchasing something, anything, no manner how trivial or unnecessary, in each and every store. However, you should make a point of lingering in some stores but not in others. Then, leave the mall and meet a girlfriend for lunch at a nearby restaurant, where you should have a leisurely meal and chat a while, perhaps maligning men in the process. Next, return to the mall and repeat the same process as before—let’s call it “store-hopping.” Then, in the middle of the afternoon, meet another girlfriend, this time for coffee. Linger over the coffee; catch up on gossip; then off you go to the stores once again. Remember, the important thing is that you accumulate as many sales receipts as possible. In fact, a purse filled to brimming with receipts is preferable. Then, when you walk into the house that evening, dump the purse’s contents into Ned’s lap, and say, “Here you go. Have fun, Lover Boy.” 

 

Oh, well, then again, maybe I'm too long-winded to be an advice columnist.



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More Blogs by Carol Culver Rzadkiewicz
• Have You Ever Wondered? - Monday, February 08, 2010
• Students Write the Darnedest Things - Thursday, December 17, 2009
• Random Brain Droppings - Saturday, November 07, 2009
• To Twitter or not to Twitter, That Is the Question. - Monday, June 29, 2009
• Levy "Sin" Taxes on Actual Sins - Thursday, May 14, 2009
• What's New in My World? - Sunday, April 05, 2009
• To Blog or Not to Blog? - Sunday, March 08, 2009
• New Year's Predictions for 2009 - Thursday, January 01, 2009
• Christmas 2008 - Saturday, December 27, 2008
• What I Learn from the Newspaper - Thursday, December 11, 2008
• Totally Inane Messages - Monday, December 01, 2008
• Is America a "Civilized" Nation - Saturday, November 29, 2008
• What Thanksgiving Means - Wednesday, November 26, 2008
• Autumn, Sarah Palin, & Cultural Literacy - Sunday, November 09, 2008
• Thank You, America - Tuesday, November 04, 2008
• The Perfect Husband - Friday, October 24, 2008
• Sarah Who? - Monday, October 06, 2008
• Rats Abandoning a Sinking Ship - Friday, September 26, 2008
• Why Do So Many Students Detest Reading? - Monday, September 22, 2008
• What's in a Name? - Saturday, September 13, 2008
• Waiting for Gustav - Sunday, September 07, 2008
• It's Time for Change - Friday, August 29, 2008
• George Washington, He Ain't - Saturday, August 23, 2008
• More Money Than Common Sense - Friday, August 15, 2008
• The Loss of the Ability to Communicate - Thursday, August 14, 2008
• The Wonders of Modern Technology - Sunday, August 10, 2008
• Water, Water, Everywhere - Thursday, August 07, 2008
• A Different World - Sunday, August 03, 2008
• Thinking" Consumerism - Thursday, July 31, 2008
• Mr. Fix It -- Not My Husband - Saturday, July 26, 2008
• Pour Me Another Cup of Coffee - Sunday, July 20, 2008
• Southern Cooking - Friday, July 18, 2008
• The Value of Human Life - Friday, July 11, 2008
• Running on Empty - Sunday, July 06, 2008
• A Question of Respect - Friday, July 04, 2008
• Monkey See, Monkey Do - Thursday, July 03, 2008
• English Only - Tuesday, July 01, 2008
• Jesus for President - Friday, June 27, 2008
• Do You Believe in Bad Luck? - Thursday, June 26, 2008
• Existing versus Living - Tuesday, June 24, 2008
• The Rich Are Different - Sunday, June 22, 2008
• Spirit Dog -- Goodbye My Friend - Wednesday, June 18, 2008
• What's in a Name? - Tuesday, June 17, 2008
• Are Some People Really That Dumb? - Monday, June 16, 2008
• An Appalling State of Affairs - Wednesday, June 11, 2008
• The Ongoing Stupidity of the Human Race - Sunday, June 08, 2008
• Living in Fear - Friday, June 06, 2008
• An Epiphany about Survival - Monday, June 02, 2008
• Abusing the System -- Handouts from Uncle Sam - Saturday, May 31, 2008
• When 50 Cents Was a Fortune - Wednesday, May 28, 2008
• The Greed of the Human Race - Saturday, May 24, 2008
• I Have Been Living an Illusion - Friday, May 23, 2008
• Today's Children Lack Imagination - Sunday, May 18, 2008
• The Three Perfect Foods - Wednesday, May 14, 2008
• Kids & Pets Alone in Vehicles - Saturday, May 10, 2008
• Into the Valley of Death - Friday, May 09, 2008
• In Remembrance of Outhouses - Monday, May 05, 2008
• Family Is Family - Saturday, May 03, 2008
• Thank You, Mr. President - Thursday, May 01, 2008
• Just the Right Word - Thursday, April 24, 2008
• America, Overweight and Gaining: A Byproduct of Capitalism - Friday, April 18, 2008
• Only in Southern Louisiana - Wednesday, April 16, 2008
• Why I Don't Trust Doctors - Saturday, April 12, 2008
• Mama Wisdom - Thursday, April 10, 2008
• Who Is To Blame? - Tuesday, April 08, 2008
• Smoking Ain't So Bad for You After All - Friday, April 04, 2008
• In the News: Children Plot to Kill Teacher - Wednesday, April 02, 2008
•  If I Were An Advice Columnist - Sunday, March 30, 2008  
• In the News - Thursday, March 27, 2008
• How to Tell When You're Getting Old - Sunday, March 23, 2008
• The Most Heartbreaking Profession in the World - Wednesday, March 19, 2008
• My Kingdom for an Honest Politician - Friday, March 14, 2008
• Let's Simplify the Divorce Process - Sunday, March 09, 2008
• Restaurants Should Ban Kids, Not Smoking - Sunday, March 02, 2008
• Technology and the Destruction of Language - Friday, February 29, 2008
• Our Friend, Mr. Comma, and How He Is Being Abused - Thursday, February 28, 2008
• More on the Abuse of the English Language - Monday, February 25, 2008
• More on the Abuse of Words - Wednesday, February 20, 2008
• Slaughtering the Mother Tongue - Sunday, February 17, 2008
• Slaughter of the Innocents - Thursday, February 14, 2008
• Valentines Day - Bah, Humbug! - Wednesday, February 13, 2008
• Election Day - Saturday, February 09, 2008
• Today's Pathetic Television Fare - Wednesday, February 06, 2008
• Something Is Definitely Rotten in Denmark - Sunday, February 03, 2008
• Georgia Good Old Boys & Pickup Trucks - Thursday, January 31, 2008
• Shop 'til You Drop - Sunday, January 27, 2008
• The State of Our Economy - Friday, January 25, 2008
• Love Is Such a Little Word - Wednesday, January 23, 2008
• A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words - Monday, January 21, 2008
• Winning the Lottery - Saturday, January 19, 2008
• What Is Going On With Today's Children? - Wednesday, January 16, 2008
• Flip-Flopping -- The New Trend in Politics - Monday, January 14, 2008
• Religion - Walking the Walk - Saturday, January 12, 2008
• You Can't Transplant a Southerner - Friday, January 11, 2008
• Punishment --Southern Style - Thursday, January 10, 2008
• Today's Children - Wednesday, January 09, 2008
• I Love the South--Especially Our Language - Tuesday, January 08, 2008
• Freedom of Expression: Who Decides? - Monday, January 07, 2008
• You Can't Go Home Again - Sunday, January 06, 2008
• Predictions for 2008 - Friday, January 04, 2008
• Up, Up, and Away--The Price of Oil - Thursday, January 03, 2008
• High School Reunion - Tuesday, January 01, 2008
• New Year's Resolutions - Monday, December 31, 2007
• All God's Creatures, Great and Small - Sunday, December 30, 2007
• Send Me A Man (or Woman) Who Reads - Saturday, December 29, 2007
• Dante's Inferno--Revised - Friday, December 28, 2007
• America’s Expanding Waistline: A Byproduct of Capitalism - Friday, December 28, 2007
• Why We Cannot Live Deliberately - Wednesday, December 26, 2007
• The Ideal President -- My Opinion - Tuesday, December 25, 2007
• Going Deeper and Deeper into Debt - Monday, December 24, 2007
• Cell Phones -- Bane or Blessing? - Sunday, December 23, 2007
• Greed--A Natural Human Condition - Saturday, December 22, 2007
• So This Is Christmas? - Friday, December 21, 2007
• Rush Limbaugh & Double Standards - Thursday, December 20, 2007
• Growing Old Ain't for Sissies - Wednesday, December 19, 2007


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