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Blogs by Mitzi Kay Jackson
Ramblings
1/12/2011 8:54:36 AM
I woke-up again today missing my heart normal beat
I celebrated your birthday on the 5th, wine, lite-candles a hot bath, and tears. Most of all, more than you physically being here with me I miss my heart feeling... I miss the energy you or the love i felt for you in my body, I miss the turnoil the conflict the laughter we so easily turned inward the anger the pain the smiles the love and the love-making i even miss missing you. a process, a step. I guess the pain do ease-up but what do i d with the scar? this hole without a bottom? i miss feeling before you i could write about guts hanging from the mouth needing to be held up by the hand, in shame swallowing yourself behind closed doors just to feel your touch now i can't go near it the feeling which i rather have had than to not have known at all but not like this...not being able to go near this all too real feeling without getting caught-up in this whirlwind of never seeing you again, feeling you again of not anyone knowing really that i was not in this alone with you, you dying with me a secret in your back pocket. It hurts that no one knows the hole i am because of what i had for you inside and that you would have wanted me there at your side more than anyone who was there, how could they have followed your wishes in a time like that or did they just think best for you? I say gudbye to this thought on your birthday pulled this part from the flesh of me yes my heart feels lighter, feels smaller too, why didn't you ask for me or could you or did you or would you had (thinking of my ego) a pulled you from the flesh of my heart taking two mild heartattacks but i am waiting on the beat to return to me, so i can feel again. oneday because life is short i wonder will i look back on these days as me just being dramatic? i still love you so very much but you are not even here to know i would hate that heaven is a place where you can look down and see the hurt and pain you caused i would hope it is a place where you could really be free from this world and all the dealings in it. but now i no forsure and without a doubt that i am in this alone empty with this hole thats bottomless. i dreamt i was something different something other than an open hole of a woman full and empty spilling and leaking wherever i go
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More Blogs by Mitzi Kay Jackson
• Ramblings - Wednesday, January 12, 2011
• LOST - Saturday, September 19, 2009
• My Lates Poem - Tuesday, May 22, 2007
• Returning - Wednesday, November 15, 2006
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