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Bill Brent

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Blogs by Bill Brent

10/24/2005 4:04:42 AM
Meet my neighbor, Bert -- one reason I'm glad to be moving soon.

3:20 a.m., Monday morning. I awaken to piss. Bertrude, across the way, honks out his jaded whoops of passion, window open wide like a trailer-trash slut’s, not caring who under God’s heaven hears his carryings-on, not caring who he disturbs. Selfish, childish, puer aeternus.


Bertrude two hours ago, before I went off to bed: “By the end of the weekend, you’re, like, so cleaned out, and all the tops are so tired of pushy bottoms, not giving them what they want, and they’re so grateful.” Bertrude holds forth on the alleged complexities of topic number one, yet again. I think his mind is slowly turning into a mishmash of simplistic generalities: There are only two categories of gay men, tops and bottoms. Tops can’t get what they want. All bottoms are pushy. (That one’s a direct quote.)


Reductionist Bertrude, trapped in a binary world where gay men’s only value is their sex. Tops and bottoms. The beautiful and the ugly. The deserving and the undeserving. The hunter and the game. You get the idea? With a meat-market mindset like that, he’s well on his way to turning into just another lonely gay bigot.


And that’ll be the real end of his weekend. Because no one likes to talk to a tired old crank except other commiserating old cranks. And by then, they’re all too tired, old, and cranky to sniff each other’s butts. (If they “had” each other back in the day, there’ll be nothing left to excite them about each other now. And if they didn’t … well, girls don’t f*** their girlfriends. That’s a rule, too. And Bertrude’s world is filled with nothing if not rules.)


So, at the end of their long, lost weekend, they find themselves with nothing left to do but flap their gums, drink their poison, and wonder what brought the world to its present sorry state. They’ll disparage the young (meanwhile coveting their energy and beauty), but then they’ll turn that jaded jawboning into a lip-lock around the local gloryhole because that’s the only place they can get laid anymore. Kind of a weary and selfish interpretation of “service to Mankind,” but so it goes.


And thus the old queen is reduced to nothing but a mouth, yet no one wants to hear her pontificate anymore. So, Bertrude, it’s the same lesson at the end of your long, lost weekend that you learned at twelve: suck, don’t blow. But don’t despair, dear, someone might yet throw you a bone, especially if you take out those dentures … just keep your lips sealed. Your withered stock will rally for fifteen minutes of funhouse fame before the seller shoots down your throat and cashes out. You’ll yet get a glimmer of the attention you crave, but no one will want to hear you whining about your lonely, horny ass then, trust me. They won’t even nod to you later when they pass you on the street.


The market has closed. You’re so cleaned out.


A car pulls up at 3:27, stereo bass booming. Must be one of those tops in heat sniffing out Bertrude’s pushy, busy bottom. Carpe poonem. Make hay where the sun don’t shine.


And so it goes.



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More Blogs by Bill Brent
• 3000 word day - Tuesday, February 06, 2007
• NEW BLOG AT - Sunday, December 17, 2006
• DINNER AT DACHAU - Saturday, July 01, 2006
• A BOGGLED BIRD - Monday, June 19, 2006
• ALOHA FROM THE BIG ISLAND - Monday, June 12, 2006
• BOOK REVIEW -- Not Buying It: My Year WIthout Shopping, by Judith Levine - Monday, April 17, 2006
• BOOK REVIEW -- The Brief History of the Dead, by Kevin Brockmeier - Friday, March 17, 2006
• THE BEATLES (a mini book review), AND RECOVERY FROM THE UBIQUITOUS - Tuesday, February 14, 2006
• THE PLANE HAS LANDED - Wednesday, January 18, 2006
• UNCOMPLICATE MY LIFE - Sunday, November 13, 2005
• PATIENCE - Thursday, November 03, 2005
• THE WEEKEND SHIFT - Saturday, October 29, 2005
•  WHEN DOES MY PLANE LEAVE? - Monday, October 24, 2005  
• Are W. and Cindy a match? - Thursday, September 29, 2005
• What do morality and intelligence have to do with the Religious Right? - Tuesday, September 13, 2005
• America is at war -- civil war. - Wednesday, September 07, 2005
• Kanye West is my new hero - Friday, September 02, 2005
• performing my songs in public - Monday, August 29, 2005
• BOOK REVIEW -- The Tragedy of Today's Gays, by Larry Kramer - Thursday, August 18, 2005
• EXISTENTIAL QUERY - Monday, August 15, 2005
• BOOK REVIEW -- Piano Girl, a memoir, by Robin Meloy Goldsby - Friday, August 12, 2005
• BOOK REVIEW - When I Knew (Robert Trachetenberg, ed.) - Friday, July 29, 2005
• Creative Achievement - Saturday, July 09, 2005
• hypomania and insomnia - Saturday, June 11, 2005
• book reviews in brief - Thursday, June 09, 2005
• atrocious (ab)use of language - Tuesday, January 11, 2005
• on accepting one's limitations - Wednesday, January 05, 2005
• End Of The Year Summary - Thursday, December 30, 2004
• The D.I.M. Approach to Life - Monday, December 27, 2004
• isolation vs. aloneness - Thursday, December 23, 2004
• on the nature of a drug habit - Thursday, December 23, 2004

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