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Stephanie Silberstein

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Member Since: Dec, 2008

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GUEST BLOG: I'm a coward, not a heart breaker
2/18/2009 10:03:52 AM    [ Flag as Inappropriate ]

Mitch Pelligrino is a senior at the fictional Cedarwood High School. He is featured in Stephanie Silberstein's upcoming novel, Shades of Gay.

A lot of people have been saying stuff about me. Most of it I can deal with. Some people think I'm a f***-up cause of my dad being drunk all the time. They figure I'm like him. Other people think I must be some horrible person or my mom wouldn't have sent me to live with that asshole in the first place.

None of this stuff isn't true, at least not anymore. I've never been into drugs and I haven't really hit the alcohol much since I moved in with my dad. One drunk per family is enough. I don't cut school on purpose; any time I've been absent or late it's cause my stupid father trashed the house or lost his keys or did some other stupid shit under the influence. There's never anyone else to pick up the pieces, you know? It messes up my life, but... he's my dad. As long as he isn't trying to hurt me, I'll always be there.

Anyway, I'm used to people talking about me. It doesn't bother me when they judge me cause, well, no one yet has judged me more harshly than I judge myself. But there's one thing some people are saying that gets to me, cause it's a total lie, and one that hurts.

Lately I've been hearing people mumble that I'm not serious about Arthur. I've even heard some people threatening to hurt me if I break his heart.

In case there's anyone out there who doesn't know, Arthur and me are kinda going out. I wanna say he's my boyfriend, but seeing the word up there in black and white where the whole world can see it makes me too nervous.

I guess that's why people assume I'm playing with him. I wouldn't do that. Arthur's... special. He's smart and funny and he's got a big heart. He's real shy, too... he'll do everything but come right out and say what's on his mind. He's got blue eyes that get wide when he wants something, like a cat or a kid or something, and blond hair that's just the right length. It's mostly straight but curls up right at the end. Every time I see him I want to tug on that hair just to see if it'll bounce back.

Arthur's hair is the only thing that's straight about him. He's totally into me for some reason that I can't figure out. I'm not a brain like him and not nearly as funny. A lot of people say I'm good looking, and I am, but I'm not cute like him. And worst of all, I'm a coward. He's not.

See, Arthur's not afraid to go after what he wants. Okay, he doesn't deal with bullies real well... he tries to avoid them as much as he can instead of saying shit back. But even so, he'd rather us hold hands in the hall and have the whole world after us than take the easy way out and only have a relationship when no one's looking. Lately he's been upset with me cause I won't kiss and stuff in public. He tries to keep it to himself, but I can tell. He's kind of slumped over and staring at his feet a lot of the time. It hurts like hell seeing him heartbroken, and hurts worse knowing that I'm the one doing it to him.

I don't mean to break his heart, I really don't. In some ways I wish it would hurt enough that he'd just forget me. We don't belong together. Not only has he got brains, but he's got a real good family. His dad's off fighting in Afghanistan and his mom's heart is big enough for the whole town of Cedarwood. She doesn't like me but she keeps on including me in stuff because she knows it makes Arthur happy. Anyway, that's not the point. I keep going off track but what I'm trying to say is: he comes from people who really care about others and insist on trying to fix the world. With a family like that, there's no way he's not gonna go out and make something of his life.

Me, I don't know. My mom's a good lady, but my dad... he's one of the people who makes us need people like Arthur's family. All he does is get drunk and destroy everything. And like I said, there's no one else to pick up the pieces so I'm stuck with him. What kind of future do you think I have?

On top of that, there's the whole acceptance thing. Arthur knows he's gay. That's that, no questions asked. Me, I'm not sure what I am. I guess I'm bi. I've had plenty of relationships with girls, and believe me, my sex drive functions fine around them. I've never had a relationship with a guy before, and I didn't think I wanted one. But I was lying and I knew it the second I met Arthur.

The thing is, though, that doesn't make my feelings for girls go away. Sometimes when I kiss Arthur, I want our friend Emily just as bad as I've ever wanted anyone, including him. It throws me off, makes me confused, makes me think the best thing is to not be with anyone cause I can't decide what I want.

I've tried so hard not to love Arthur. I've even done some stuff to myself I'm not proud of to try to make the feelings go away. But they won't.

I'm not breaking his heart on purpose, I swear I'm not. The last thing I wanna do is cause him any more pain than I've already caused him.

I just wish I understood what he saw in me and what I felt about him. I wish it all made sense. I wish I wasn't a coward. I wish it could be as simple as we love each other, let's go out.

It's not and I'm sorry.

But I don't want to be judged for it.

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More Blogs by Stephanie Silberstein
• Narrow Path Publishing gets a makeover! - Monday, May 04, 2009
• 30% is too much... - Thursday, April 16, 2009
• LGBT Happiness Store open (companion to Shades of Gay) - Monday, April 06, 2009
• Getting caught up - Tuesday, March 31, 2009
• SIms 2 Videographers - contact me - Saturday, March 14, 2009
• Shades of Gay on Facebook! - Wednesday, March 11, 2009
•  GUEST BLOG: I'm a coward, not a heart breaker - Wednesday, February 18, 2009  
• In Memory of Wolf - Wednesday, January 28, 2009
• Snow Day!!! - Tuesday, January 20, 2009
• Shades of Gay: Back Cover - Sunday, January 18, 2009
• The G-d Controversy - Tuesday, December 23, 2008
• Autism in the South - Monday, December 15, 2008
• Crossroads - Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Hi, my name is Mary Ann by Mary Ann Barrucco

cover Alcoholism, compulsive gambling and the ordeals of a heart transplant..  
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