Blogs by Regis Auffray
The Apocalypse Quiz
11/23/2008 6:05:14 PM
I did not write this. Actually. It made me a bit sad between the smiles. Love and peace to all...
Your Daily Dosage of Doom and Gloom
The Apocalypse Quiz
By Tim Cerantola
According to many psychics, religious fundamentalists and doomsday enthusiasts (who are all, more or less, the same people), the Bible’s final battle between good and evil is now imminent.
In fact, these apocalyptic predictions are taken so seriously by so many; a profitable “end times” industry has emerged to feed this growing gullible audience willing to pay for a daily dosage of doom and gloom.
Granted, in view of recent world events, our collective demise doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch, especially when the fear-mongering corporate media cheers from the sidelines, selling these wars along with their regular offerings of disaster, disease, pestilence and Sarah ‘my god can beat up your god’ Palin’s latest nuggets of political wisdom. Perhaps it’s only natural for the public to feel threatened and expect the worst.
Still, despite all this marketing of doom and prophetic pretentiousness, as far as I’m concerned, any talk of the end of the world is nothing but mindless nonsense and Nostradamus is just a great name for a new sinus medication.
However, just in case I’m completely wrong about this, and global annihilation is just around the corner, perhaps you should prepare yourselves with some end times knowledge by taking this apocalyptic quiz.
1. Complete this next sentence. The end of the world will occur…
a) In 2012, coinciding with the end of the Mayan calendar.
b) When the “fat lady” sings.
c) When the Dow drops below 5,000.
d) Due to unprecedented levels of stupidity in Washington.
2. When the end of the world occurs, what is the most important thing to remember?
a) Your absolute faith in God’s love.
b) The pledge of allegiance.
c) Your eternal soul.
d) To bring clean underwear.
3. When looking for sure signs of the end times, we are told to look for…
a) Great signs in the heavens.
b) “www.endtimes.com” on the Internet.
c) An increase in global disasters
d) an increase in homeowner insurance premiums.
4. In the end, according to Jesus’ Beatitudes sermon, who will inherit the earth?
a) Barack Obama
b) Sarah Palin
c) Bill Gates Jr.
d) The “meek” (minus the usual 15% in lawyers fees).
5. What is meant by “the rapture?”
a) It’s something that can happen when you pick up a really heavy object.
b) A Toronto basketball player.
c) It’s when God will rescue His faithful before the battle of Armageddon.
d) It’s the feeling I’ll get when the Toronto Maple Leafs finally win
the Stanley Cup again.
6. It is said that when Jesus returns, He will set up his earthly kingdom in…
a) New Jersey
b) New Hampshire
c) Wasilla, Alaska
d) The New Jerusalem
7. Which of the following 2 characters did NOT help Dorothy find her way to the Emerald City?
a) The Scarecrow
b) The Anti-Christ
c) The Tin Man
d) The False Prophet
e) The Cowardly Lion
8. In the 11th century, the Irish Bishop Malachy made a series of predictions, meticulously listing and describing each of the remaining 112 Popes leading up to the final battle of Armageddon. According to Malachi’s predictions, only one Pope remains after our present Pope Benedict.
Pick the correct one
a) Pope Cheney, the Dick
b) Peter, the Roman.
c) Arnold, the Schwartzenegger
d) Pope Obama, the flipflopper
9. Which of the following is NOT an Edgar Cayce prophecy?
a) Atlantis will rise from the depths of the Atlantic Ocean.
b) In North America, a cataclysmic change will cause the Great Lakes
to drain into the Gulf of Mexico.
c) Both California and Japan will sink into the Pacific Ocean.
d) Pizza will be delivered within 30 minutes - or it’s free.
10. What have the prophets really been trying to warn mankind of for centuries?
a) Of the many earth changes to come.
b) That the mark of “the Beast” is just a bad haircut.
c) That the words prophet and profit are surprisingly similar.
d) That like P.T. Barnum said, there’s a sucker born every minute.
YOUR QUIZ SCORE: Who cares? The end is near for Pete’s sake. For once in
your life stop trying to be such a smarty-pants.
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