Blogs by Ev McTaggart
Ain't love grand?
5/12/2008 7:17:02 AM
My granddaughter teaches me a lesson about love
My computer desktop wallpaper used to be the standard Windows logo. I’m not a fancy person; Bill Gates ordinary suited me just fine. Not any more. My baby granddaughter Alexis was born April 13, 2008. On April 17, soon as I arrived home from visiting her in Halifax, I changed my wallpaper. Now, whenever I log into my computer, a photo of Alexis lying with her little head on my son’s shoulder pops up on the monitor. Born a month early, she is a few hours old and her darling little sleeping face reflects both the extreme fatigue of being born and the faintest hint of worry. “Oh my gosh,” she seems to be dreaming, her tiny brow furrowed, “however will someone as tiny as me survive in such a big old world?”
Since the day I posted her photo, my reaction to seeing her pop up has metamorphosed.
At first, I’d catch a glimpse of her beautiful little face and simply stare, tears running down my face. Oh Lord, I HAVE to take this photo off my monitor, I’d think. I can’t be crying at work. I’d turn away and do something else for a moment, but my attention would inevitably be dragged back to the sweet bundle with the still-damp hair and tiny fluffy mittens (to keep her from scratching her face). I’d examine the small patch of furry lanugo on her right cheek and wham! The tears would start fighting each other for position on my cheeks.
As a day or two went by, I found myself not wanting to pull up screens. For some weird reason, I felt as if covering her face with a window would hurt her. Illogical, I know. Crazy (yes, I KNOW!), but I couldn’t stop myself from moving the screen (if I HAD to work on one) to the lower right corner of the monitor, the position occupied by my big strong son’s shoulder. Soon as I could see the darling face, I could work happily along on whatever I was doing, often grabbing another eyeful of Alexis. And another.
She’s now four weeks old (yesterday) and I’m noticing a most strange phenomenon. Every time I log in and baby Alexis fills the screen, I look at the perfect features of this tiny perfect legacy and I can hardly explain what happens. This overwhelming feeling of irrational love fills my body. I even say it aloud. Oh you sweet adorable special wonderful darling little baby, I love you so much, it hurts my heart. I know, without the slightest shadow of a doubt, that I could—and would— whip anyone who tried to hurt her. I know that I will always love her—no matter how big she grows or whether her eyes are blue or brown or if she calls me Nana or Granny—I will ALWAYS love her as much as I love her today. Maybe more. As I love my son, her daddy, and my daughter.
And that’s what makes me marvel: how love can expand to enclose one more person without lessening for a nanosecond or depleting one whit the love I feel for my own children or anyone else I love. Rather than Alexis taking a piece of my heart previously devoted to my other loved ones, my heart seems to have expanded to give her her very own piece. And it’s a lovely feeling.
I have to go now. I have to move the Word document window off Alexis’ face!
More Blogs by Ev McTaggart
I See the Light - Friday, October 03, 2008
The Man on the Corner - Monday, September 22, 2008
And how was YOUR day? - Friday, June 20, 2008
The torch has passed - Friday, May 23, 2008
Ain't love grand? - Monday, May 12, 2008