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Kage Alan

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Exposing The Cult Of Will Wheaton (With William Shatner)
9/5/2011 9:57:46 AM    [ Flag as Inappropriate ]

My Chinese boyfriend trained me for battle and I continue to fight his evil Grandmonster in Hong Kong, but only William Shatner could help me face Will Wheaton.
I woke up Friday morning to the sound of annoyed knocking at my hotel room door. It was William Shatner. He’d lost a bet and had to bring me my morning tea each day during DragonCon, which irritated him since he was used to people bringing him tea. But, like a semi-good sport, he sat down after adding too much sugar and not enough milk and pretended to sound interested while asking why my schedule was like for the day.

“I’m having my picture taken with Gates McFadden and Will Wheaton,” I inform him.
“Will Wheaton?” Bill frowned.
“Yeah, why?”
“Shit,” the former captain of the Enterprise shook his head. “Good luck with that. That little bastard ruined my movie and my career as a director.”

I was intrigued, but Bill wouldn’t say anything more on the subject. Instead, he shared stories of the many ladies he’d courted over the years and seemed puzzled when I didn’t look as titillated as he thought they sounded.

“Bill, I’m gay.”
“Jesus,” the Shat sighed. “George Takei shoulda lost this bet.”
“I already belong to one Asian. Besides, they’re waited on; they don’t wait on others.”

So I had my picture taken with Gates and Will, only there was a little problem. Okay, I might have been the little problem. Well, that’s not entirely true. He started it. Will showed up in a kilt. A kilt. And I’d swear his legs where shaved–yes, I looked. And as I went up, had the picture taken and turned to leave, Will turns to me and in his own smug little snarky way says “Thank you for coming.”

“That’s what your boyfriend told me last night,” I shoot back.
“I’m not gay, you asshole!” He looks positively irked.
“Nice kilt, Wheaton.” I look him over. “When did you start shaving your legs again?”

And then I hauled ass outta there!

Fortunately, the lines were ridiculously busy to get autographs on Friday and Wheaton’s line when out the friggin’ door, so I decided to wait until Saturday. It would give him time to cool off and immerse himself with people who actually thought about him when they touched themselves in private. Or, in the case of some con-goers, who touched themselves in public.

***knock knock knock***

Bill comes in with my morning tea on Saturday morning, only this time doesn’t add enough sugar, but overdoes it on the milk. I inform him he’s not getting a tip until he gets it right, which isn’t my smartest move since he momentarily looks as if he’s going to pour the whole hot cup on my lap.

“How was Wheaton yesterday?” He asks with some interest.

I relate the story.

“That little bitch has it coming,” Bill chuckles.
“I’m going to have him sign the picture today. Hopefully he’ll have forgotten about it.”

“Oh, he never forgets.” The man sighs as if reliving a painful memory. “Did you ever hear the story he tells about his visit to the Star Trek V set?”

“I do. It’s in one of his books.” Yes, the Wheaton writes and some of it’s pretty darn amusing.

“I never said I wouldn’t let a child on my bridge. I said I’d never want HIM on my bridge. Can you believe that I got bitchslapped by the suits at Paramount for that? I had to write that little f***er an apology. And the worst thing about it is he wasn’t satisfied. He actually had connections none of us knew about. Next thing I know, my production costs are skyrocketing, the special effects for the film take a nosedive in quality and little editing glitches start popping up. Remember the scene in the turbo shaft where De, Leonard and I are using boot rockets? Did you see the deck numbers racing by out of order, plus there aren’t that many f***ing decks on the god***n Enterprise! It was WHEATON. He’s connected, so don’t mess with him too much.”

Well, I’m not scared, at least not yet. Bill leaves, I take a shower, get dressed and head down to the Walk of Fame. Again, Will’s line is out the door, so I go ahead and stand at the back. The atmosphere is a little odd, though, and people look somewhat dazed, somewhat half smiling and excited…much like some of the con goers on a Monday when thinking about how nice it’ll be to take a shower after four days without one.

And the most ridiculous thing starts to happen: these motherf***ers actually start chanting “Will Wheaton”. I’m not kidding. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. They actually started chanting his name and I’m like the odd man out looking around at these assholes while NOT joining in. What the f**k!

I manage to get far enough in the line to enter the second part of the line inside the Walk of Fame and get to the point where there are seven people in front of me. Mind you, there’s still a separation between myself and them as they’re lined up directly in front of them and I’m to the side so that other folks can pass. Will Wheaton looks up, sees me, and I’m suddenly told I’m the cut-off because he wants to go to lunch. Bill Shatner may be right; the Wheat doesn’t forget!

If lunch is good enough for him, I figure it’s good enough for me. I dine with T.C. Blue and tell her the story as it stands so far.

“You’re messing with some serious shit,” she tells me munching on pita chips with crab dip. “I knew an erotic m4m romance author who once featured a character very loosely based on Will Wheaton and both they and the book disappeared. I hear he’s connected.”

He’s NOT going to win! Absolutely not. Pookie has instilled Chinese methods of vengeance in me for almost 17 years. Surely they can handle a single Will Wheaton. So I return to the Walk of Fame, pass a whole new generation of assholes chanting his name outside the door, skip to the front of the line since the girl working there remembers me, and I wait. Finally…

“It’s a good picture of me,” Will Wheaton admires the shot.
“The three of us took a nice shot,” I correct him.
“I’m not gay,” he reminds me.
“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”
“And if you thought I was, shouldn’t your boyfriend be here protecting his investment?” Because the Wheat apparently has that much power over people.
“Nope,” I shake my head and smile. “My guy figures you’re a bigger bottom than I am, so what does he have to fear?”

Will’s face drops and before he can say anything else, I leave. He’s not gay. If he was, he’d have insisted on getting the last word in. That’s totally a gay thing. He’s just…well…a cult leader. There are two types of people I’ve come across who aren’t gay; cult leaders and Scientologists.

I can’t figure out Wheaton’s endgame, though.

“Well, my little fruit fairy,” Bill Shatner informs me Sunday morning after forgetting the tea bag, but managing to get the sugar and milk portions just right, “I’ve been working on that for more than 20 years and I still can’t figure it out. All I can say is when we do, it’ll be too late.” He pauses for a moment. “Although…you know he doesn’t have children of his own, right? I just wonder if he’s the One the Scientologists are looking for who’ll lead them out there…” Bill looks out the window at the sky above, “…where not one of those assholes have ever gone before.”

________________________

Kage Alan is the Howard the Dick watching, New Order listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” He’s currently resting in his hotel bed after an absolutely tiring time at DragonCon and hoping he hasn’t come down with Con Crud after being around huge, sweaty people who haven’t taken showers in days. Ick.


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• The Face of Gay 34 (Joelle Casteel) - Saturday, June 08, 2013
• A Year Since I Resigned? WTH??? - Thursday, June 06, 2013
• Do You Know Where That Vague Thing Is I Want That You Packed? - Monday, June 03, 2013
• I Said It Felt Like a Mole on His… - Thursday, May 30, 2013
• The Unbearable Lightness of Learned Humility - Monday, May 27, 2013
• Classic Blog Post: The Hilarity of Stupidity - Saturday, May 25, 2013
• May I Have A BLT With My BDSM and PG13 Horror? - Thursday, May 23, 2013
• The Weekend We Found Xanadu That Was - Monday, May 20, 2013
• The Face of Gay 33 (Petra) - Saturday, May 18, 2013
• Excuse Me, Sir? Would You Please Pick Out A #*$%@ Carpet? - Thursday, May 16, 2013
• It’s a Mo-Mo Monday Morning in the Neighborhood! - Monday, May 13, 2013
• Classic Blog Post: My Reading With Psychic Sylvia Brown - Saturday, May 11, 2013
• Dear Kristopher (One Year Later + A Little) - Friday, May 10, 2013
• The 2013 OutlantaCon Report: Plus Butt Pirates Copies! - Thursday, May 09, 2013
• The Face of Gay 32 (Jon Michaelsen) - Saturday, May 04, 2013
• Out of the Mouths of the Butt Pirates: Kage Alan (Moi) - Thursday, May 02, 2013
• Out of the Mouths of the Butt Pirates: Kiernan Kelly - Wednesday, May 01, 2013
• Out of the Mouths of the Butt Pirates: Angelia Sparrow - Tuesday, April 30, 2013
• Out of the Mouths of the Butt Pirates: Shae Connor - Monday, April 29, 2013
• Classic Blog Post: The Direction $hit Rolls - Saturday, April 27, 2013
• What We Leave Behind II: The Postcards - Thursday, April 25, 2013
• what We Leave Behind - Monday, April 22, 2013
• The Face of Gay 31 (Sharita Lira) - Saturday, April 20, 2013
• Walkabout: Manhattan - Thursday, April 18, 2013
• Dear Self, Let’s Talk About the Last Couple of Months, Shall We? - Monday, April 15, 2013
• CBP: Cheers, Fears and the New Sedaris-Fearing-Gay-Writing Mafia - Saturday, April 13, 2013
• Men, Tetris and Living Life By the 4 ‘H’s - Thursday, April 11, 2013
• Dynasty or Dynastud: The Multiple Soul Mate Quandary - Monday, April 08, 2013
• The Face of Gay 30 (Moxie Ann Magnus) - Saturday, April 06, 2013
• So What Do You Think Happens After? - Thursday, April 04, 2013
• The Rules of Mourning (Or Lack-Thereof) - Monday, April 01, 2013
• Kage Alan & His Flying Robot! - Thursday, March 28, 2013
• Wanted: Outback Steakhouse in the Afterlife - Monday, March 25, 2013
• The Face of Gay…Er…Bi 29 (Wayne) - Saturday, March 23, 2013
• A Voice in the Present Becomes a Voice in the Past - Tuesday, March 19, 2013
• The Waiting Game - Monday, March 18, 2013
• Classic Blog Post: From Finland With Love - Saturday, March 16, 2013
• The Why Behind Why I Blog - Thursday, March 14, 2013
• The Inability To Accept Giving Up - Monday, March 11, 2013


The Purgatory Inn by Terry Vinson

Where check-out time for one's sanity is nonexistent.....  
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