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Blogs by Kage Alan
Digging Up The Dirt…On Myself: The Early Years (Part 1)
9/27/2012 4:04:12 AM
Oh, the things we'll do to get people to read a blog post! Want dirt? I've got plenty of it! On me, though. Yes, I dug up crap on little ol' innocent moi.
Do you remember your formative years with any degree of joy and happiness? We probably should because, my, how things have changed between then and now. And I’m not being flippant when I say that. Oh, hell. Yes, I am. I was recently looking through a school years scrapbook my mother kept for me that covered Kindergarten through Twelfth Grade. To this day, I remember being excited to be able to fill out each new year as it started and ended, mostly because it never seemed like it would ever be completed. It was. The funny thing to me today is acknowledging how eager I was to speed time up back then, only I’m twice as eager to slow it the hell down now. But, on to some highlights from the first couple of years as well as all the embarrassing stuff and dirty. Yes, I had dirt back then. I didn’t eat it. I played in it. I was dirty. I was a dirty boy. I’ll stop now.
Kindergarten
I was 5 years old and weighed 38 pounds (no idea about height). According to mum’s notes, I loved playing with LEGOs–that never really ended and my husband is a bigger LEGO fanatic than I am, learned songs, learned the days of the week, learned about the weather and I apparently learned to cook. Huh. 5 or my current age…nothing’s really changed. I still sing, albeit in the shower, can’t wait for the weekends (which is really the only reason to learn the days of the week) and I check the weather daily because it helps if one wears a shirt that doesn’t exacerbate when one’s nipples say ‘hi!’ in cold weather. As for the cooking, it was just training for when I started dating. Oh, I also wanted to be either a fireman (because they’re buff in the shirtless calendars), an ambulance driver, or a dog. I obviously wasn’t playing with a full box of crayons back then.
First Grade
Up to 43 pounds and four feet tall. And what did I like? I liked recess outdoors because I was playing super heroes with a couple of my peers. Eat your heart out, Joss Whedon. I also loved going to the library and attending gym class. Can’t really explain the gym thing since I was never a jock, but it’s kinda obvious why I liked the library. And what did I dislike? I disliked Art. Why? Because Mr. Norris was a dick. That man made my life a living hell when it came to art. I could handle words, but drawing and painting and paper mache? Not so much and I was quickly singled out as someone who represented how you didn’t want your art projects to turn out. As for my future aspirations, I now wanted to either be a policeman or a meter reader. Yup, once again not playing with all my crayons.
Second Grade
50 pounds and four and a half feet tall. Oh, yes. According to the Chinese zodiac, this was the Year of the Allergy. Why? Because I got tested and found out I was allergic to cat hair, dog hair, common house dust, milk, beef, chocolate, grass, weeds, trees, mold, etc. But it was also a fun year. I wrote and performed my first puppet play, tried out for the talent show, didn’t get in, learned cursive writing–and been slaughtering it ever since, and received an award for “Science Fiction Creativity.” I also went back to wanting to be a dog when I grew up. My box of crayons might simply have gotten lost.
Third Grade
56 pounds and four foot six and a half. Not a huge growth spurt, but suffice to say that my hormones were going in a different direction. This was the year I had sex for the first time–no, my parents never knew and I was very good at keeping something like that to myself, obviously. Let’s see…what else? I received a ribbon from a spelling bee, wrote and performed another puppet play, learned multiplication and division (which explains my developing interest in sex), map skills (I should have just gotten a GPS) and metrics. Metrics? I live in the US. Only the rest of the world uses metrics, so what good has this ever done me? This is also the year I joined cub scouts. Anyone else find it slightly ironic that the year I join cub scouts is the year I lose my virginity? Weird that. Moving along, what did I want to be when I grew up? Either an astronaut or (are you ready for this?) a packer for Chatham (my mother used to work for Chatham). I think they sold crayons…
Shall we do one more? Okay.
Fourth Grade
60 pounds and almost four foot seven. I wrote and performed yet another puppet play and our class received a response from a letter we wrote to author Judy Blume. That was HUGE for us, especially after having read Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing and Super Fudge! This was also the year I won tickets to a Detroit Pistons Basketball game and also got to be Honorary Ball Boy. I may have taken that title to heart since I was pretty well sexually active this year, too. I was also a narrator in a Christmas play–this surprises me because I really do not have a good speaking voice, lead our class in the parade (no idea how that happened either) and I became a part-time Safety. Now that I enjoyed because being a safety was fun. And my future vocation? Back to Policeman and astronaut. I may have found a crayon or two and returned them to my box.
And there you have the first batch of my early years as seen through my eyes and the eyes of my mother. Questions? Comments? Should I stop with this or move on with another batch in a blog post next week? I’ll leave it up to you.
________________________
Kage Alan is the Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull watching, Hans Zimmer listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” Crystal Skull still sucks. Not only did it take way too long to come out, but aliens? Really? That’s what we waited so long for? Grr… As a writer, it could have been so much more.
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• Intergalactic Asian American Seeks Promotion: A Candid Conversation with Garrett Wang (Part 1) - Tuesday, June 28, 2011
• Tech People Will Hate Me Despite My Shapely Bum and Manhood - Monday, June 27, 2011
• Classic Blog Post: White Hair, The Sushi Nazi & A Heavy Metal Birthday - Saturday, June 25, 2011
• The Cave Called and It Wants It Batshit Back - Thursday, June 23, 2011
• Birthdays, Buttocks and What's To Come (Minus the Buttocks) - Monday, June 20, 2011
• Classic Blog Post: Werewolf Movies Give Me Wood…Is That Wrong? - Saturday, June 18, 2011
• Confessions Of A Not-So-Teenage-Writer - Thursday, June 16, 2011
• I May Be Fragile, But My Friend From San Diego Will Roger You Senseless! - Monday, June 13, 2011
• Classic Blog Post: Live It, Love It and Send DVDs For a Birthday Gift! - Saturday, June 11, 2011
• Advice For A Gay Child Growing Up - Thursday, June 09, 2011
• Boba Fett, Green Lantern and A Medusa Head Bust - Monday, June 06, 2011
• Classic Blog: Why Don't Celebrities Ask For My Autograph? - Saturday, June 04, 2011
• Oh, Hell…The Writer Has Advice? - Thursday, June 02, 2011
• Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam Needs To Meet My Mother - Monday, May 30, 2011
• Classic Blog Post: Premature Articulation (or How My Weekend Went) - Saturday, May 28, 2011
• The Top 5…Uh…3 Things Writers WON’T Tell You! - Thursday, May 26, 2011
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