There are a lot of things to do in Long Island that don’t include wine tasting (more that do, but still). How about a farm? If you grew up in the Midwest, no, I’m not talking dairy farm. We’re talking animals, train rides, and SNACKS!

If you have a child, specifically one that isn’t walking yet you have two options to get there: Train or Car. Long train rides are for those with a death wish so we went car, which for us means Zip Car. The convenience of Zip Car is easy to see with gas, tolls, and insurance taken care of. Just pick up and drop off. This being a holiday weekend our car was about ten blocks away. Again, not a big deal EXCEPT when you have a large car seat and several bags. Then this turns into an early morning military hump drill. By the time I return with the car I am so hot and sweaty that I demand everyone should wear fewer clothes. In fact, no one should wear any clothes. Let’s break down some walls today and do a no-pants Long Island trip. NO ONE liked my idea.

In the car the baby quickly falls asleep, the wife checks email, and I dream of homemade farm donuts. We make it (clothed) out to Long Island and pull in to White Post Farms. First impression, this place is HUGE, and second, where are the fucking donuts? They have EVERYTHING, even promoting their freshly baked banana bread. It was disappointing that there were no donuts; I had worked up an appetite for at least a dozen.

There is a fresh market, a greenhouse, and then the petting zoo. As you enter the petting zoo you have the option of buying animal food pellets in a bucket or ice cream cone. A bucket looks like way too much so we get a cone. The cone is gone in less than one minute. BTW, is it okay for these farm animals to be gobbling up ice cream cones all day? I mean they look okay, so… They even have bottles with milk that you can purchase to feed the animals. The strangest dynamic has to be that sheep and goats are much more popular than the zebras and camels. This only occurs in a petting zoo. It’s where the sheep rule and zebras wait in the back of the line!

After checking out the mini-houses (yes, houses with decks for the little humans), constructed buses and fire trucks, and kangaroos (yes, they are there too) it was time for the train ride. The train is simple and pretty much is confined to a small circle which is good, because there is something about the guy running the train and the numerous signs warning of wear and tear that can make the most seasoned train rider anxious. Then it was time for a small snack of French fries, more animals, and then a trip around the greenhouse where our big purchase was grass seed. Rock and roll all night and party every day!

For food, there is a full deli counter so we went with a GIANT chicken sandwich and a Panini. Both were average to good (mostly thanks to the old-fashioned root beer available to wash it down). With baby napping, we decided it was best to go, but first we could check out an amusement park down the road. An amusement park you say?

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David S. Grant is the author of Blood: The New Red; follow David on Twitter .david_s_grant