Two New Books By Patricia Backora
Tuesday, April 17, 2007 7:12:00 AM
by Patricia A Backora
|Beam Me Back to Bible Days has just been published by I-Proclaim.com
Televangelists are transported back to funny adventures in the Bible.
Also available now is The Tithes That Bind, a compilation of articles and stories which expose the bad spirit behind greedy televangelism.
Excerpt from "Beam Me Back to Bible Days"
When the crowd was firmly in a good mood, Ben began his sermon on tithing. “All God asks for is ten per cent,” he said. “I think tithing’s a good deal. After all, you get to keep the other ninety per cent, and Scripture promises you’ll never have to do without if only you’ll dare to take God at His Word and prove His Word is true .”
To zithers and trumpets Ben began to march round the stage with Sam and Magus, singing:
That I’m blessed
Time to put God to the test
Pay your tithe
Pay on time
And your faith will do the rest
There’s a million miracles a-waitin’ there for you
If you’ll only believe what faith can do
That you’re blessed
And you’ll always get the best!
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Ten per cent
Put it in
Lots of loot will come to you
And you’ll save
Tons of trials and trouble too
There’s a million miracles a’waitin’ there for you
If you’ll only believe and sow seeds too
That you’re blessed
And your stones will turn to bread !
After the trio finished singing, the brass instruments kept on playing as Magus wowed the crowds with a mighty miracle. He waved his jeweled hands over a heap of gray stones. Immediately they were transformed into freshly baked, hot loaves of bread which gave off a sumptuous aroma. Then Magus bowed and blew kisses to the hungry people before flinging the loaves out to them. Some got injured in the rush for free food, but the show must go on.
Once the crowd calmed down a bit but was still glowing with excitement, the offering was taken up, which overflowed the wicker baskets that were passed out by Magus’ and Dunstan’s disciples. Ben didn’t even gripe when he noticed a few ragged beggars dipping into the proceeds. They had to eat too, he figured. And knowing Magus, he’d cast a curse on anyone caught dipping into his donations.
Time for the sick to be “prayed for”. Outside a big sign had been posted in three languages: “No lepers allowed”. It would take genuine apostles to deal with dread diseases like that, Magus knew. Anyone who had a concrete, visible complaint, like the plague or severe disability, was turned away by “gate keepers” who told them the Coliseum was all filled up and no more seats were available. But simple aches and pains or problems of a psychiatric or spiritual nature, the gate keepers gladly admitted.
Beam Me Back to Bible Days is available under "fiction" in the I-Proclaim.com online bookstore.
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Excerpt from The Tithes That Bind:
Sister Jones, formerly submissive to the point of being a doormat, walked up to her and said, "The Bible says: 'Let the children FIRST be fed.' A man name 'o Brother Jake came by and taught me and Brother Slim the truth about tithin'. It's a lie outa the pit of hell to make a Christian starve his fambly to pay the preacher. And as for Rev'run Randy preachin' to us about Ananias and Sapphira droppin' dead, he found out in a hurry what God thought of him usin' that Scripture like a devil's pitchfork to torment us with!"
"So what are you insinuating, Sister Jones?" Sister Hopkins' face was red.
"Brother Slim told me how Rev'run Randy choked on his own words as he made fun of me and all the other poor folks at church. That's prob’ly why he keeled over like he did."
"God didn't take Reverend Randy's life and you know it!" cried Sister Hopkins. "He didn't choke on words, he choked on a piece of crab!"
"But I already told ever'body how Rev'run Randy spit the crab out, but he still died anyway!" objected Slim. "Just ask the coroner. Rev'run Randy's blood pressure was sky high. He was way too heavy and his ticker gave out from laughin' too hard. God took him, Sister Hopkins."
“How DARE you!" Sister Hopkins breathed.
"It's high time SOMEBODY dared," said Sister Jones. "After all the lies I've been fed about how mean God is to poor folks, and how God so loves rich preachers that He tells us to give our last dime unto them, I've finally woken up and sunk my teeth into the real truth. You know it's just as plain as the nose on your face. If anybody's actin' like Ananias and Sapphira, it's you folks, lyin' to God's people about how it's okay to devour widder's houses, and do it in the Name of the Lord."
"If you had any sense you'd fast and pray for forgiveness!" Sister Hopkins yelled, wagging her finger in her face.
"I already done my share of fastin'!" retorted Sister Jones. "I'm skinny as a gumstick 'cause Brother Randy took my tooth money from me, and I couldn't eat hardly nothin' till Brother Slim took pity on me and gave me money to pay the tooth dentist to make me my new dentures!"
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The Tithes That Bind: Reflections on the Religion Racket is available under "Non-fiction" in the I-Proclaim.com online bookstore.
Ban Preacher Greed