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. . Liz and Julie

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Member Since: Nov, 2007

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A draconian solution to global overpopulation dismays the Christian community, although a necessity to restrict re-growth in the wake of climate change disasters which ma..  
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Winging It!
Wednesday, November 21, 2007  4:48:00 AM

by . . Liz and Julie

Look what mad stuff has been going on!

As usual, life has been filled with a series of funny incidents lately, interspersed with loads of flying, a crazy roster and keeping our heads down. So far we are off the radar of media stuff, but as the book is doing well and shops are on about stocking it, sniffing around has been going on, and we don't mean by us with the old snowy. Our manager had a call from the Daily Mail! Wanting a story, wanting pictures, wanting to expose us and get us in to loads of trouble. Wanting to do a tut tut piece, and probably say we are influencing young minds to a life of debauchery. Yeah, nothing like two hard working Hosties to turn a generation in to party hearty cabin crew. It really would be a disaster on a massive scale if lots of young people were to dream of travelling, serving and working hard for the benefit of others! All just because this life has extras in the hedonism department and we were truthful about it! Very rich disapproval coming from journalists. Bollocks we say, we certainly don't need fame and we never did this for money, so let them sniff! No one we know is going to dob us in, even close friends don't know about this and our literary agent has never even met us!

But the other day we came out of the flat to go to Tesco's and there were two strange fellas in a big Range Rover thing and one of them had a camera, and the other was on his phone, and we swear Readers, we thought we were about to get papped! We friggin' papped ourselves and hid behind Mr Monty's Jaguar, which was very silly as it's a very low car. The hem of my coat got all mucky and Jue scuffed the toes of her boots. She has no luck with footwear as you know. (Mr Monty is a neighbour and when we pass his door we always put lipstick kisses on it, there are about three dozen up there now. One day there was a post-it stuck up on there with "Please stop this!" written on. Oh how we laughed. Jue responded by kissing the post-it as well.)

Anyway, we were stuck. We had to crawl long behind all the cars, then go the long way round the building down by the canal. Then we were scared to come back, and Jue wouldn't get the shopping at Tesco afterall, in case they caught us with nasty value carrier bags. So we ended up getting a load of expensive grocery stuff at Harvey Nicks, shite we didn't need, just so we looked classy. When we got back they had gone, and to be realistic it was probably nothing to do with us! Just goes to show we are getting paranoid, but it was a horrible feeling, major stress! Jue will not go out without full make-up and her hair perfect now! Although she says she will deny she is herself if asked. If they catch us in uniform it could be harder to wriggle out of!

But we're off on leave right now, and doing a bit of friend visiting and lots of writing. We went to York for the day, which was lovely and then we stayed with family in Scarborough. We decided to go to Whitby for fish and chips and a mooch round that gorgeous historic little place. It was such a nice sunny day, and as this summer has been an unqualified disaster and totally made us appreciate our hot trips away, we thought we'd make the most of it. We poked around the shops and cobbled streets and ended up on the quayside debating whether to join the queue to have our fish and chips at the Magpie cafe. Even a table for two is a tough call in there, go with a family and you're stuffed, in the queue for ages. So instead we got a takeout and toddled down to the water's edge and sat on some steps leading down to where the fishing boats were laying waiting for the tide. It was lovely, briny smell, very seaside, radiant sunshine and yummy fried food, and great chips well soused in salt and vinegar. I was thoroughly enjoying myself, nattering to Jue about the wedding and tucking in when we started to be harassed by a massive fuck off herring gull.

Now, I don't know my gulls, but it wasn't one of those little black and white cute ones you could like. This was a mean looking thing with menace on it's mind. It was standing stock still four steps below us, about two foot tall with a really nasty gleam in it's eye. It was massive, and it stood side on to us watching us and really putting us off. I said to Jue 'Chuck it a chip and it might leave us alone." and Jue said "Fuck off, it's not getting my chips, horrible thing." Then it started doing this mad squawking and flapping it's wings, which I swear Readers, were about three foot across, each. We got up slowly, thinking it was getting too radged and scaring us and we hurried back up the steps to the quayside and sat down on some bollards and continued eating, both unsettled and a bit uncomfortable.

Jue turned round to get a view of the sea and there it was again, it had crept up on us silently, the creepy little twat. It then had the audacity to waddle it's way between us and stand right in front of us staring side on for ages. It was really freaking us out. Jue started going "Shoe, shoe!" and flapping her arm at it and it backed off a couple of feet, then without warning, it flapped up mental right at her and shit all over her chips. Readers, it was hilarious, she shot up shrieking and threw her chips down when she saw what it had done and quick as a flash it was in, snatching them out of the carton and making a right racket to warn her off. She was leaping around dead frightened while I just sat there and laughed my tits off. I must have laughed for about ten minutes, in fact I laughed at intervals the whole drive home, and I'm still laughing now as I write this. Eeee bless her, every-time I picture the scene I go in to fresh peals of laughter and when I think of the way it scarfed down her cod and batter, even with the poo on, I still piss. Hee heee, too funny!
For everything to do with Liz & Julie x

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