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In My Words: Poetry & Prose
9/28/2002 2:58:00 AM
by Nickolaus A. Pacione
|Speaks on the new entry on diary-x, and of a new poem which is written here at authorsden. More on why he wrote this one -- and the understanding of terminal illness.
|Here we are in the end of September which brings to the holiday which keeps me on my toes -- in October being Halloween. This being leading to the pieces I penned on both here at Authors Den and on the diary-x journal, Memories of an Accident. The poem, Biocorrosion is my way of talking a little bit about a friends struggle with cervical cancer. The whole controversy which is the question of the funds is the looming question of the ones who don't understand what is going on her life. Which this column I do from time to time derives from -- the two pieces which I did fairly close together where I thought I had a writers block that I could not shake, but turned out that this narrative that became Memories of an Accident and the poem Biocorrosion.
The readers on AuthorsDen and the readers on The Dark Poet Email List were the only ones to really see this one -- and for me to write this one I nearly wept because I kept seeing her son at an age when his mother cannot help him because she'd be too ill to help him. Especially when an inquisition is passing her off as a criminal. Where I am writing this one and saying it would always be her poem -- Snow Elizabeth did a lot for me when I went to Goth Con 2002. Where they are accusing her of being a thief, the circumstances are in a position that is beyond her control.
Someone told me that God gives us so much that we can handle -- this cancer she is diagnosed with, that carried to her kidneys made me want to come to her aid even more. I know I will have people against me on this one but that is a given though because they are looking for answers in the sense they want to mummify her alive. It is almost like the pages out of one of my stories that I had written in 1999 when I was losing my own son. Where she is organizing Goth Con 2003, I wish her a lot of luck and she needs a lot of faith that is beyond what she can muster to have the strength to do the convention.
I give her a lot of credit -- conventions are a lot of work and the plans of doing one of my own had been in the air since 1998. Especially when I have my hands full as a writer -- the duties of running an e-list, an e-mail service, multiple websites, and a community which has a lot of traffic to it can take a lot of work and going it alone to say the least. Where I do a weblog -- it helps me keep organized because of a learning disability and a mental illness being the two obstacles. The mental illness is the one that is the biggest obstacle, and having to go in and out of hospitals for when I am without my medication -- or when I go to the doctor every three months. It is a routine that I had gotten used to since the spring of 1999. So I can say that a mental illness is like having cancer in that sense, that mental illnesses don't really have a cure.
Where I use my writing of poetry & prose as a therapy, and this time when I was writing it was with Snow in mind when I was writing. I feel a lot for her because of the illness thing -- where she sometimes feel like there is no energy there for her because of chemotherapy, I get it as well where I have no motivation to even write or draw. There is no signs of creativity in that sense -- the well is dry. Those of you who are in the Gothic community, Snow is the woman behind the Goth Con convention. How I am I connected to her -- she introduced me to an audience whom would normally not read the writings of either Robert Bloch or H.P. Lovecraft. This was back in March which I met her in person but learning of her cancer diagnosis, I felt that I should remain in touch with her as much as possible.
She made me promise that I would keep her posted on when I will have new writings up and running -- either on my main website or my online journals. So this is something I am doing and by doing this column I am hoping to bring out the support for her because of her cancer diagnosis; there are so many people in a year who have cancer without going diagnosed with it . It is numbing in the sense where sometimes there is no cure for it -- and right now she is becoming an inspiration in that sense along with the writer, Ceara Jaen Baxter, also from Georgia and on medications for chronic illness.
Her book of poetry, Awaiting Fullness, was written while she was in bed for years at a time between doses of pain medication she wrote some hers. I saw what she is capable of as a writer and with an advantage over me in the sense that she had been writing since 1989 -- a few years longer than myself. Both being from Altanta -- I was going to make the trip down to Altanta to meet up with both of them, but how would I get the two of them together is going to be the question. I figured the visit to Snow would lift her spirits in the sense that someone is willing to go down who is not part of the witch-hunt with a signed copy of Biocorrosion.
Poetry & prose can express the pain of illness or grief of death -- but a lot of emotion that can come within the pages -- within the words. Though the words hoping can create some form of encouragement during the times when she is in the hours of need -- sort of the thing that can be said between one person and God, as it was told to me. Sometimes being dark is how someone prays -- and sometimes it is their understanding of what light is if they don't have the light they cannot have their darkness. I think that was something that I picked up over the years of sitting through the sermons on Sunday mornings of my teens.
Where Snow is still alive after her diagnosis -- she is living on borrowed time in the sense, where I am still here, I am just plain lucky. That is why I wrote the two -- both dealing with themes of borrowed time. Borrowed time. A term that can be used in themes of horror and genres where they deal with ones mortality.
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Nickolaus A. Pacione