I'm very busy raising an eight year old grandson who has cerebral palsy and is blind in one eye.
I'm editing several novels and have completed two illustrated poetry books. Currently I'm looking for interested publishers.
Would love to keep in touch with everyone who enjoys my poetry but there is never enough time. If you'd like updates on what's going on, you'll find it here.
Newsletter Dated: 5/26/2004 10:24:48 AM
Subject: Sandy's Chatterbox
Doogie had a great field trip at Chimney Rock yesterday! Super!
I'm still busy with artwork, etc. trying to finish book #7, "Love Is A Rose". However, Al wants more housework done and less of the 'hobby' stuff so I'm really short on 'line-time'.
Just wanted to say, "Hey" ... we're all doing great!
I sold another 'funny' to Reader's Digest the other day--that makes 11! So~thought you all might want to read some of the ones I've already sent in. Hope they make you laugh ...
Keep in touch and take care.
Jacob, 92, and Martha, 85, are very excited about their decision to marry. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and, on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.
Jacob asks the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Do you sell heart medication?”
“How about medication for circulation?
“Medicine for rheumatism?”
“How about Viagra?”
“Of course, Sir.”
“Medicine for memory?”
“Yes, a large variety.”
“What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”
Jacob then turns to Martha and says, “Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them.” The Round-Up, Prineville, Oregon, #81, 1-9-03, pg. 15
Jimmy Jack had been a night watchman for the MM Manufacturing Co. for years. He always tried to do a very good job.
One night Jimmy Jack had a dream in which his boss slipped on a loose rug in his office and broke his leg. The next night and the next, Jimmy Jack had the same dream. Since Jimmy wanted to do all he could for his company, he told his boss about the dreams and suggested that any loose rugs be removed.
When the boss heard Jimmy Jack’s story, he didn’t thank him. Instead, he fired him for sleeping on the job! The Round-Up, Prineville, Oregon, #81, 1-9-03, pg. 16
A bum, obviously fallen on hard times, approached a well-dressed gentleman. “Hey, Buddy, can you spare $2?”
“You aren’t going to spend it on liquor, are you?”
“No, sir, I don’t drink,” replies the bum.
“You aren’t going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?”
“No, sir, I don’t gamble.”
“You wouldn’t waste the money at a golf course for green fees, would you?”
“Sir, I don’t play golf.”
The man then invites the bum to come with him for a home-cooked meal. The bum accepts. While they are driving to the man’s house, the bum asks curiously. “Isn’t your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?”
“Probably, but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, gamble or play golf.” The Round-Up, Prineville, Oregon, #83, 1-23-03, pg. 7
English signs in other countries:
In a Rhodes, Africa tailor’s shop: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IN BIG RUSH WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: SALAD A FIRM’S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEED RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE’S FASHION
Thailand advertisement for donkey rides: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS
At a Majorcan shop entrance:
ENGLISH WELL TALKING, HERE SPEECHING AMERICAN
Detour sign in Kyshik, Japan:
STOP: DRIVE SIDEWAYS The Round-Up, Prineville, Oregon, #83, 1-23-03, pg. 14
A policeman tests three applicants, who applied for one detective position, skills in recognizing a suspect. He shows #1 a picture for five seconds, then hides it. “That was your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
“That’s easy--he only has one eye!”
The officer notes the picture is a profile—a side pose, shakes his head and shows it to applicant #2. “That was your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
“Sir, he has only one ear.”
“What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing—it’s his profile!”
Extremely frustrated, he shows the picture to #3. “Now think hard before giving me your stupid answer. That was your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
“Hmmmm, the suspect wears contact lenses.”
The officer is elated! “Wow, I can’t believe it. It’s true. Great work! How were you able to make such an acute observation?”
“Well, sir,” the applicant said, “He can’t wear regular glasses because he has only one eye and one ear.” The Round-Up, Prineville, Oregon, #83, 1-23-03, pg. 19
A hillybilly, with his wife and mother-in-law, moved to Oregon from Georgia. He appeared somewhat depressed until he came across a sign that read:
OVER-RIPE, PREVIOUSLY FROZEN, GEORGIA PEACHES, OUT-OF-SEASON … $3.50 A POUND
“Honey, let yo momma sit here and rest a bit while we walk down to the beach.”
When they came back, Momma was gone so they asked the man inside if he knew her whereabouts.
“The dangest thang happened,” the proprietor scratched his head. “Some guy came in with this gal, threw her up on the counter and handed me a $100 bill and said, ‘That’s all I’m paying for this old hag. I heard Oregon was different but next time you’d best put out a lighter one if you’re gonna charge by the pound.’”
My original joke (based upon several other, more ‘colorful’ Southern tales)
A father and son from a third world country were visiting a mall in a big city. They were, of course, amazed by almost everything they saw, but they were particularly intrigued by two shiny silver walls that moved apart, then closed.
The boy asked, “What is this, Dad?”
“I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father watched, wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and father watched small circles above the shiny walls. The numbers lit up, one after another. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father gasped, grabbed his son by the shoulder and said, “Go get your mother!”
The Round-Up, Prineville, Oregon, #84, 1-30-03, pg. 4
During the late 1800’s, postage rates around the world dropped, and obscene St. Valentine’s Day card became popular despite the Victorian era being otherwise prudish.
As the number of racy valentines grew, several countries banned the practice of exchanging Valentine’s Day cards. During this period, Chicago’s post office reportedly rejected more than 25,000 cards on the grounds that they were so indecent, they were not FIT to be carried through the U.S. mail! Brain Candy, The Round-Up, Prineville, Oregon, #84, 1-30-03, pg. 9
There are a number of devices that can make a woman love you. Chief among these is the Mercedes Benz 380SL. The Round-Up, Prineville, Oregon, #84, 1-30-03, pg 14
After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring the missus a little gift, so he stopped in a department store.
“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle that cost $50, but he balked. “That’s a bit much.”
She showed Tom a smaller bottle for $30, but he grimaced. “That’s still quite a bit.”
Annoyed the clerk presented a tiny $15 bottle. Still, Tom frowned.
“What I mean,” he said, “is that I’d like to see something really cheap.”
The clerk handed him a mirror. The Round-Up, Prineville, OR., #84, 1-30-03, pg 23
Men DO know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game. The Round-Up, Prineville, OR., #84, 1-30-03, pg 30
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore’
When an eel bites your hand, and that now what you planned, that’s a moray.
When our habits are strange, and our customers deranged, that’s our mores
When your horse munches straw, and the bales total four, that’s some more hay.
When Othello’s poor wife, she gets stabbed with a knife, that’s a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight used a sword in a fight, that’s Sa … mur ai.
The Round-Up, Prineville, OR., #84, 1-30-03, pg 24, 25
Pick-up protocol; pull into my driveway and honk, you’re sure not picking anything up!
Look, but don’t touch; touch my daughter in front of me—-or LEER--and you won't leave the house! If you can’t keep her hands OFF her, I will remove them!
Proper attire: loose trousers make you look like an idiot! Come wearing your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, I'll take my electric nail gun to secure them to your waist!
You touch, you die; intimacy without utilizing a barrier method can kill you. Translation: when it comes to THIS, I'm the barrier and I’m not merciful!
Skip small talk; I only wish a precise time of my precious daughter’s safe return.
She cries, you hurt; once you’ve dated my daughter, you will not date anyone else until she is finished with you! If she cries, you’ll cry! The Round-Up, Prineville, OR., #84, 1-30-03, pg 16, 17
***Please note, A Little Hope, is NOW available at:
Mystic East: firstname.lastname@example.org
Address: P.O. Box 2211, Sioux City Iowa 51104-2211
Mystic East PD:
SandraSCorona, A Little Hope
Please pass the word (if you like my writing/art)