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Tina B Tessina

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Hello, and welcome to the "Happiness Tips" newsletter. In addition to a helpful tip for increasing your happiness, you can find out where I'll be signing books, and how to contact me, along with "Happiness Tips from Tina" in every month's newsletter. Please remember to add tina.tinatessina.com to your "acceptable" list, especially if you're on AOL.
Newsletter Dated: 1/28/2005 2:25:57 PM

Subject: Happiness Tips from Tina: Paterns of Change

Dear Friends:

Welcome to our new subscribers, I love hearing from all of you, and I've printed your e-mail responses at the bottom of this newsletter. I welcome all suggestions for topics. To make sure your spam system doesn’t reject this newsletter, please add tinatessina@Compuserve.com to your list of acceptable e-mail. To unsubscribe, see below.
Happiness Tip: Patterns of Change

I’ve been dealing with a lot of unwanted changes, and it’s not easy. Losses, disappointments, changes – we all struggle when life doesn’t go our way. Why is it so hard to handle change? Then there are the changes we want to make, fight hard to make – losing weight, giving up smoking, being more organized. Why is it so hard to create change?

The answer is patterns -- human beings are hardwired to seek out patterns and operate according to them. Every waking moment we are bombarded by overwhelming floods of data, infinite numbers of choices, confusing and conflicting information. Sheer survival depends upon your brain being able to sort through all of this every minute. The ingenious solution, built right in to your brain and nervous system, is the ability to operate according to patterns.

Your brain automatically searches and identifies many kinds of patterns. Patterns of sight mean that you can identify the chair from the table, the dining room from the bedroom, whether you see them in their three-dimensional form, or see a photograph, or even see the drawing created by your six-year-old. A table on a canvas by Van Gogh or Picasso is recognizable even though the perspective is skewed and the colors are strange. It still fits the pattern of table. Kinesthetic patterns mean you can reach for a utensil, pot or dish in the kitchen without even looking where you reach, or grab your toothbrush in the bathroom before you’re really awake. A combination of kinesthetic and visual patterns means you can drive the familiar drive to work without even thinking about it and if you get a new job or move, you’ll find yourself taking the old route if you don’t pay attention.

The stress of paying attention is one of the major reasons why patterns are important. Research shows that moving to a new home is one of the most stressful experiences you can have, right up there with the death of a loved one. This doesn’t appear to make sense -- since moving to a new home is usually a desirable thing -- until you think about patterns. All those kinesthetic, visual patterns have suddenly changed -- the pots, dishes and your toothbrush (not to mention the bathroom) are all in different places. So is the furniture. You’re tripping over chairs that seem to be in the wrong places. You have to think every minute of the drive to work, because the route is unfamiliar. Each of these changed patterns represents a lot of stress. When you’re operating within old, familiar patterns, you don’t need to think about what you’re doing. Your body is wired to do familiar things without having to think about them. This leaves your mind free to wander, and to de-stress.

As I write this, I’m touch-typing. I don’t have to think about the spelling of the words, or which finger hits which key. There was a time, of course, when I couldn’t type even one word without hunting and pecking for each letter, but (in the beginning) painstaking practice and repetition, and now many years of experience, mean that I can even talk to someone else while I type. Repetition and practice made the patterns part of my consciousness.

If you want to change a habit (for example, to develop a habit of wearing your car seat belt) you develop a pattern that incorporates the change (I’ll get in my car, put the key in the ignition, fasten my seat belt, and then start car.) At first, you may even need a written note to remind you of the pattern, but if you consistently follow your new routine, it will be a pattern in a week or two. If you do it for several weeks, it will become ingrained enough to feel automatic you won’t need to think about it at all. Changing even really tough patterns, like smoking, is possible if you break it down into each smoking habit you have (after dinner, at work, hanging out with friends) and develop a replacement pattern for each one (chew mint gum after dinner, take a short, brisk walk during work breaks, hang out in non-smoking places with friends,) and follow each new pattern consistently until all are changed. Having something different to focus on makes the psychological withdrawal easier.

Here’s something that will help: We have a brain mechanism psychologists call "preparatory set." It's one of the mechanisms the mind uses to sort through the enormous amounts of data that flow in daily, and keep it manageable. By writing down the things you want to accomplish and making them clear, you can "program" that mechanism. Once programmed, it directs your attention to certain events and occurrences. To illustrate: When you decide you want a certain car (an SUV, a hybrid or a PT Cruiser) you see that model everywhere, you notice every one on the freeway, you see every ad or commercial. Preparatory set works that way. Once you program it with your goals (visualizing in addition to writing is most effective) you will automatically be more aware of certain events, opportunities and people who can be helpful. You'll also be more clear about what you want, and this will sneak into your conversation and your general attitude, where others can pick up on it. It's not really magic, unless you believe as I do, that the mind is a miracle in itself.

For example, to make it easy to include easy exercise in your life, write down your goal (I will walk an extra half hour a day) and picture yourself walking and enjoying it -- perhaps you picture parking a few blocks away (where it's cheaper) and walk the rest of the way, or get off the bus or subway one stop early, or walk to that nearby restaurant (or art museum) for lunch, or take the stairs instead of the elevator when you go to the Xerox, or take a sandwich to a nearby park, or take the dog for a bit longer walk than usual before and after work. If you picture yourself walking and enjoying it, you'll soon find that you're noticing more new and different ways you can add in walking without stressing about it.

Change will still take work, but using this mental trick will help you reach your goals easier and faster. (From It Ends with You) © 2005 Tina B. Tessina
Appearances:
Thursday, February 10, 2005 @ 7:00 PM
“The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again” talk and booksignings Barnes & Noble 7777 Edinger, Huntington Beach – call (714) 897-8781 for info.

Sunday, March 13, 2005 7:00 PM-9:30 PM “Successful Dating Today” Seminars for Singles Pasadena, CA (626) 564-0480 for more info.

I have been selected as a Redbook Marriage Institute expert, so you’ll see me quoted in Redbook frequently. I’m also the "Dating Doctor" on www.couplescompany.com, "Dr. Romance" on Yahoo!Personals at http://personals.yahoo.com/us/static/content_date, and I'll also answer your questions at www.tinatessina.com.

Radio
Catch my radio show on the web: "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" every Sunday 6-7:00 PM PT on www.wpmd.org and on the Leisure Talk Radio Network at www.leisuretalk.net every 12, 4, and 8 a.m. & p.m. EDT. Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. For more information: www.tinatessina.com

Through my website, you can get CE credits online based on my books: It Ends With You; How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and The Real 13th Step To sign up for classes or browse my books, visit www.tinatessina.com.

I welcome your feedback and support, please contact me at tina@tinatessina.com.
Wishing you joy,
Tina B. Tessina, PhD
www.tinatessina.com

MAILBOX

Re: Time Stretching
>Tina,
This was a very timely email. I spent time with a friend last night, but took the night off from the cell phone. Once I arrived home, I put it one mute and wrote in my journal, took a long shower and then went to bed! No long phone calls...it felt good. My friend Vince was very appreciative of the signed copy of your book. He is going to read a chapter and then discuss it with me.
Thanks,
Aaron

I’m glad it was helpful, Aaron. Thanks for writing.

GREAT job! Even though these are the types of things I write and speak about, MAN, don't we ALL need to be REMINDED! If I could just remember what I know, I would be so brilliant .... :)

Charlene

LOL! How right you are, Charlene, and it doesn’t get easier as we get older....

im very glad for ur mail. thank you. i love your informations and your site.
Murugan

Thanks, Murugan! I’d love to know where you’re writing from.


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