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Newsletter Dated: 8/11/2002 10:34:35 AM
Subject: LAUGHING ALL THE WAY
LAUGHING ALL THE WAY--The View from Santa Claus Lane, Volume II, Issue 8, August 2002. Copyright August 2002 By Darrell Bain
Thank you for subscribing. Thank you for reading. And thank you for forwarding this newsletter to everyone you can think of, especially grouches. Cheer them up and they won’t cause so much trouble.
INDEX (In order, mostly).
**Note: many blank items again this month due to dental surgery, computer problems, farm problems, etc.**
Title, Greetings, Subscribe, My Web Site,
Rating, Submission Guidelines, Advertising, Other News,
**! Feature Story!**
Mailbox, Links of Interest, Authors and Book Favorites,
Author’s Den News,
Books Available Directly From Me,
Don’t ask news
**!!Other Family Members!!**
Last Notes, Blurbs For My Books, The Absolute End,
Old Time Stories
You or anyone else may Subscribe to LAUGHING ALL THE WAY at http://www.authorsden.com/darrellbain or simply mail firstname.lastname@example.org with Subscribe in subject heading. You are also allowed to tell friends about this fantastic newsletter, or better yet just forward it to them.
MY WEB SITE AND ADDRESS
www.santa-claus-lane.com is my web site, newly redesigned. Here you can read reviews of my books, read sample chapters, see all the book covers, use a printable form for ordering, and in general navigate around a whole lot better than before. Try it and see!
Please rate this Ezine at the Cumuli Ezine Finder.
Thank You very much. DB
SUBMISSIONS & GUIDELINES
Your musings can appear in this newsletter if they are judged worthy and don’t overshadow my musings. Submissions should be less than 1,000 words (leaving more room for my own stuff), funny (but not as funny as my stuff) and contain no mention of elves. Payment: one free advertisement, 100 words.
Submit in the body of an e-mail to email@example.com with SUBMISSION in title, along with your prospective ad.
Ten dollars per ad, less if funny. Hundreds of idio--I mean fine affluent shoppers will see your ad here. One hundred words plus url. e-mail me for payment details at firstname.lastname@example.org Or just send a check for ten bucks and the wording of your ad to 251 Santa Claus Lane, Shepherd, TX 77371 and yes, that is a real address.
You may also use paypal, giving my address email@example.com and sending me the ad.
25% discount for funny ads.
Our little dachshund Biscuit has always been a polite, well-mannered doggie from the time he was just a sleek little puppy with floppy, dumbo ears and a waggledy tail. He is so polite that he even waits on us to sit down at the dining room table before he will touch his own food. He is still polite but his manners leave a little something to be desired under some circumstances now--in fact, ever since his first trip to the local Sonic drive-in.
By the time Biscuit made that trip he was already accustomed to riding with us, in my lap if I were in the truck, between us if Betty and I were in the car. By this time he had already not only learned that the word “go” meant a ride, he had even learned that it meant the same thing when we spelled it, gee-oh, when we wanted to leave him at home. That’s when we decided we had a really smart doggie, one already learning to spell. Anyway, that evening Betty didn’t feel like cooking.
“Why don’t we g-o to Sonic?” She spelled out, not wanting to take Biscuit when we were going after food. She had learned this after a trip to the grocery store one day when Biscuit helped himself to a big rump roast among the groceries in the back seat.
Biscuit immediately began turning in circles, jumping up and down and wagging his little tail at about the same speed as a helicopter rotor, stopping only when he stepped on one of his floppy ears and fell on his face.
“I think he knows we’re g-o ing,” I said, which immediately got Biscuit back on his feet and turning circles again, this time in the opposite direction, perhaps thinking that the ear on that side might be shorter. It wasn’t and he fell on his face again, but never mind.
“Oh, what the heck, let’s let him go,” Betty said. “You can watch him.”
I agreed, and away we went, Betty driving and Biscuit happily ensconced between us with his front legs on the seat divider so he could get high enough to see. As we pulled into the Sonic Drive-in, his snuffly little nose began twitching at all the good smells. As soon as Betty rolled the window down, he began twitching all over.
Betty began ordering, speaking into the menu thingy.
“Two hamburgers with tomatoes, lettuce and mayo, two vanilla shakes and--”
Biscuit entered the conversation. “Woof!”
The menu thingy said “Two vanilla shakes and I didn’t get that last part. It sounded like Woof. I don’t think we carry Woofs.”
Biscuit was annoyed at not being understood. “Woof, Woof,” he went, louder this time.
Betty tried to override him. “The last part was two fries.”
“Woof, Woof,” Biscuit barked over her voice.
“Was that fries or woofs? I told you we don’t have woofs.”
I muzzled our dog long enough for Betty to complete the order, then let him loose. He immediately jumped over into Betty’s lap and stretched the upper part of his body out the window. When you’re speaking of dachshunds, that’s a long stretch. Before we could stop him, his nose was touching the menu, right where the speaker was. All those good smells of cooking meat and potatoes and hot dogs and other good stuff were getting to him.
“Growrff!” He yelled. We knew what that meant: Hurry up with he chow! I’m hungry!
The person at the other end of the speaker evidently knew what it meant, too. “Please be patient. We’re hurrying!”
“Woof!” Biscuit said before Betty could drag him back inside. Remember, she was dragging a dachshund so it took a while. The middle part of dachshunds goes on forever, particularly when you’re hunting for the front end to shut it up.
“And I’m sorry, but I told you we don’t have Woofs. Try McDonald’s.”
Biscuit hopped from lap to lap, making a nuisance of himself while we waited for our food. We didn’t know what a nuisance really was until it arrived.
The waitress ran up with our food. Betty rolled down the window. Biscuit levitated from my lap to Betty’s and stuck the first three feet of his body out the window, which put his snuffly nose right in the middle of our to-go tray and startled the young lady almost out of her wits.
“Eeek!” She said, juggling our food and trying to fend off a ravenous dog.
Betty grabbed his back legs and I grabbed his tail and hand over hand we reeled him in, protesting vigorously. “Werf! Woof! Growf! Gimmee some food! You’re starving me to death!”
We were astounded, never having seen him act this way. Finally I had all wiggling, slippery sleek 17 feet of him in my lap wile Betty paid for the food then cautiously flipped back the seat dividers and set it down between us.
I would have thought Biscuit would have gone for the hamburgers first, dogs being meat eaters and all that, but no, our peculiar dog wanted french fries. As soon as I unloaded the little bags he took one sniff and began barking like crazy. “Woof! Woof!!!”
I put a fry under his nose and almost lost a finger as he inhaled it. I picked up another one and on the way to putting it in my mouth it got ambushed. Biscuit licked his chops and barked for more. I held him with one hand and ate a fry myself, just to see what they were made of that had him so excited.
That was a mistake. There is no way to hold down fourteen feet of sleek, slitherly dachshund with one hand. While I was eating my fry, Biscuit saw that Betty was busy driving and took the opportunity to snatch a fry from her hand that was feeling around in the bag. Betty slapped him away and he immediately twisted his five-foot neck around and grabbed another of my fries just before it reached my mouth.
There was just no stopping him. He wanted french fries and by golly, we had to feed him french fries or there was no peace. If we tried to shush him or hold him still he went into paroxysms, woofing and barking and growfing and slithering around and between and up and over arms and legs and steering wheels and all points in between, positively insisting that he couldn’t live another second without another french fry.
By the time we got home my bag was empty. We took our drinks and burgers inside and sat down at our easy chairs to finish eating. Betty’s bag was soon empty, too or nearly so. Biscuit annoyed her so much that very few fries made it to her mouth. Finally she just gave up and went and got a saucer and put the remainder of the french fries on the floor by her chair.
“Werf?” Biscuit asked. I interpreted that to mean, What the heck is this? You’re supposed to feed them to me. And that contrary dog wouldn’t eat another one. He just sat there and werfed until finally Betty cussed, picked up the bowl and fed him the remaining fries one by one from her fingers. As I mentioned, Biscuit is a smart dog. He figured out immediately that french fries are supposed to be eaten from fingers and would accept no substitute. And he never has since.
Now when we go to Sonic, he goes happily along and woofss and barks as we order three fries so that he has his own bag of them. He barks as we order and barks impatiently until we begin feeding them to him on the way home and after we get home. Three orders leaves Betty and I a few fries for ourselves. Problem solved.
Well, almost. The last time we were there I noticed a new addition to the menu. In big bold letters it states: WE DO NOT HAVE WOOFS.
This newsletter will also begin appearing on my web site each month. www.santa-claus-lane.com occasionally.
LINKS OF INTEREST
The Sex Gates, one of my newest releases, has become so popular as an e-book (and is now in print) that a special web site has been created for it at www.thesexgates.com where fans and critics of the book can go for discussion, comments, give input on the sequel being written, learn how and why it was written, join the forum, and so on. You are cordially invited to visit and join us on this journey.
www.videoexplorers.com (For video, movie-making and adventure enthusiasts)
www.thevolares.com (For rock music enthusiasts)
http://www.geocities.com/dkdevine/ (the web site for a most unusual book!)
http://www.lighthouseeditions.com/book_visitor.htm (and another very unusual book!)
Try them both. I think you’ll be pleased.
This is the web site of Jeanine Berry, my co-author of The Sex Gates. She has a real interesting site, especially for readers and aspiring authors.)
OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS
Watch for news about Velcro the kitten next month. He just joined the family a few weeks ago and is still learning.
***!! SPECIAL NOTICE !!**
My newest book, and my magnum opus of science fiction, The Sex Gates, in collaboration with Jeanine Berry, has been sold in both print and e-book versions.
The e-book version is on sale now at http://double-dragon-ebooks.com/ in the science fiction section. Go look. The print version is sold at bookstores and is available now.
Not only is THE SEX GATES my latest book, I finally have produced a best-seller, at least so far as e-books go. It is still in the top 1% of all novels at fictionwise.com , outselling almost all of the big name SF authors.
And, my other newest book, THE PET PLAGUE, is also a best seller as an e-book is now out in print. It can also be purchased at bookstores or at Double Dragon.
And lastly, I have three more titles out in both ebook and print format:
Circles Of Displacement, science fiction
Ultimate Suggestions, mystery/thriller
The disappearing girls, mystery/science fiction
RECOMMENDED AUTHORS AND BOOK FAVORITES
My very highest recommendation this month goes to COUSIN FEELY by J.B. Jones. I haven’t enjoyed a reading experience like it for a long time--not since reading Cold Sassey Tree. It is every bit as good if not better. Please try it.
AUTHOR’S DEN NEWS
You can buy my books at the authorsden url as easily as falling off a log.
And you can read a couple of my short stories there for free.
Also, you can get previous editions of this fabulous newsletter from the newsletter archives there.
BOOKS AVAILABLE DIRECTLY FROM ME (cheaper than bookstores)
You can use the printable order form at my web site, www.santa-claus-lane.com to order, or follow instructions below.
Medics Wild $7.00, postage included. Paperback. Vietnam humor.
Hotline To heaven, $14.00, postage included. Trade Paperback. Romantic comedy.
Tales From A Texas Christmas Tree Farm, $12.00, postage included. Trade Paperback. Humor and an attempt to prove how stupid I am for becoming a Christmas tree farmer. A successful attempt, I might add.
Life On Santa Claus Lane, $13.00, postage included. Trade Paperback.
Special Note!! Refund if this last book does not make you laugh out loud at least once!!
The Sex Gates $14.00, postage included. Trade paperback. A really wild, sexy science fiction novel.
The Pet Plague $13.00, postage included. Trade paperback, science fiction.
Mail checks or money order, etc. to Darrell Bain 251 Santa Claus Lane, Shepherd, TX 77371
DON’T ASK NEWS
No last notes.
BLURBS FOR MY BOOKS
Buy my books.
This feature is open for comment. Suggest anything you like. Send in the body of an e-mail with SUGGESTIONS in subject line.
Example: Is this newsletter too long? Too short? Too many sections? What do you like? dislike? e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org with SUGGESTIONS in subject line.
You can now read the first chapter of most of my books at my web site, www.santa-claus-lane.com
The surprise is that I got this newsletter ready this month. Again.