Hi Ladies!

First of all, a happy hello to my new subscribers! Seems like June was a banner month - 5 new WOWs/GOWs to welcome to our family fold. :) It is my most sincere hope that you will find this newsletter to be informative, supportive, and encouraging.

Julie :)

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On a personal note...

Our beloved Golden Retriever passed away last Saturday. He was 10 years old. Hubs bought the dog as a pup when his late wife was first diagnosed with cancer. Needless to say, Goldie's death has nudged some latent grief to the surface of his heart, making this whole ordeal that much harder on all of us, but especially him.

Perhaps you have been through this with your husband or boyfriend: He's a bit down-in-the-mouth and distant after attending a funeral. Statistically, widowers experience a fresh depression with each new death or funeral they experience after the loss of their wives. Perhaps it is because men, as a gender, tend to stuff their feelings and only allow them to surface when the volcano explodes.

We, as WOWs/GOWs feel helpless, wondering if we should help him express his feelings, or just allow him to walk through the latent grief alone. Such a conundrum this is - wanting to be a helpmate but worried that the resulting undertow might drag us under with him!

Hubs always considered Goldie's "mom" to be his late wife, as she was the one to nurture him as a puppy. However, I find myself feeling a bit left out, as *I* was the one who cared for him longer than she, feeding him, walking him, cleaning up after him, and just loving him. Therefore, my grief over Goldie's loss is not something I feel I can share with Hubs at this point.

Since Hubs and his late wife never had children of their own, this dog was kind of a replacement child. I am experiencing a vague yet real feeling of what you stepmoms must endure on a daily basis, and I have a whole new respect for you, let me tell ya! :)

So, today, I want to heap blessings on all of you WOWs/GOWs who deal with stepchildren. My heart and utmost esteem go with you.

And blessings, too, for all of you who endure through funerals that bring latent grief back into your lives.

Blessings...Julie


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PEN PALS HUGE SUCCESS!!

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Ladies! I was inundated with e-mails from you, requesting a WOW/GOW pen pal! It was difficult trying to match you up according to status, location, etc...So ya know what? I just threw your names in a a hat and drew them! LOL!

But somehow, it all worked out, since your positive letters have told me how thrilled you have been to have found a sister in WOWdom/GOWdom!! I pray you continue to reap the pleasures of this arrangement - and please, KEEP ME POSTED! :)

Anyone else who would like a pen pal, just drop me a line! (juliedonnerandersen@mail.com) An odd number of you replied, so I have one "leftover" (although she is a Numero Uno beautiful person in my eyes - Miss Oz!) who would LOVE to pair up with one of you! :)

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LAST MONTH'S POLL

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JUNE QUESTIONS:


1.) Have you and your husband/boyfriend talked about your burial/funeral plans together? If so, how did it make you feel?

Your replies:

~~"The burial plot. Oh yes. As you point out, it is common for plots to be sold in groups of 2 - we jokingly refer to them as "double-wides"! My husband owns a plot next to his late wife. We briefly discussed this issue but have not revisited it and have come to no
conclusions. Our initial thought was to see if the plot on the other side is still available. If so, he could be buried between us - oh how sweet - and I think that would be nice for his daughter, since she is an only child and HOPEFULLY will come to love me one day and then we'd all be together. I don't know. As I say, we have not chewed this one thoroughly. Like you, I tend to focus on what comes AFTER - heaven, oh yeah!! - and so the burial plot is essentially immaterial, though I WOULD prefer to be buried next to my dear hubby!!"

~~"This topic is one of the hardest things I had to deal with in the beginning. I found out his late wife's parents had bought them adjoining plots and they were about 2000 miles from where we were going to be living. Even though we lived together and were going to be married, I think he still intended that he'd be buried with her. I was so hurt and hated talking about it. I was 27 yrs old, marrying a young widower and his child, and the thought of going through everything I had with them, and then in the end be buried by myself in some single plot 2000 miles away, was like a slap in the face. He didn't understand why I was making a big deal about it. But to me, being buried beside someone a sign of your love and eternity side by side. Then I felt so GUILTY, after having died of cancer, she deserved that place beside him. Then I felt even worse! Too painful to discuss, we just stop talking about it for a long time. Now, after 5 years, we can talk about it a little more easily. In the near future, we will have been together as long as they were and once that occurs you finally start to feel more confident about your place. In the beginning he needed time to heal and our relationship needed time to grow. Once that happens, things become a little easier to figure out. Now we talk about where we'll be buried together and it feels right."



2.) Have you and your hubs/boyfriend ever discussed his first wedding? How does it make you feel to attend a wedding with him?

Your replies:

~~"We attended a wedding in March, 6 days after his late wife's first anniversary. We had a fabulous time and of course I was all sappy (in the wedding) and thinking about US getting to the wedding part. However, the wedding really freaked him out because he realized he was not ready for another wedding. He saw the longing in my eyes and although we had a great time, he felt really guilty because he wasn't in the same place I was."

~~"Actually, we often talk about how wonderful our wedding was, and it WAS an awesome wedding! The subject of his and his late wife's wedding never comes up. In fact, when we go to weddings, I think the uppermost thought in his mind is how it will be when his daughter walks down the aisle! The late wife's ghost is receding further and further into the background, thank goodness."

3.) Has Julie's Newsletter or book helped you in any way, and if so, how?

Your replies:

~~"YES YES YES!!!! Reading Julie's book was a tremendous help to my self value. I thought I was crazy for thinking some of the things I was thinking. And to find out that there are others that have had some of these feelings, thoughts, and reactions made me feel soooo much better. Also, it helped me to understand some of the perspectives of others and that I could be more lenient or understanding. As well that it is okay to ask the tough questions. The newsletter is great b/c it continues to educate me. Although I am no longer a GOW, it is helping me to work through my pain and anger (aka issues). Thanks Julie and all the other WOWS/GOWS!"

~~Your book is wonderful, although I only have the old edition. Thanks for writing it. I think I always have it in my subconscious and can subliminally refer to it when the ghosts and insecurities rise up to get me. I'm getting more and more secure with the passage of time and we are approaching our FIRST wedding anniversary! We have made it through one year, all the milestones, etc. Our
trust and our comfort level are growing exponentially and I'm just loving being married to my widower! He is truly a GEM!"

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DEAR JULIE...

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Dear Julie,

I have met a widower and I wanted to be knowledgeable about him and what the situation would be like being a WOW.

He was very enthusiastic at first, but now after a month of calling and emails and meeting, he said that he is being "tormented" at night by dreams of his deceased wife yelling at him that he is cheating on her. He is 65 and I am 58 yrs old.

Is this a situation with no resolution or should I continue to have communication with him? I know this is a very brief description but I was hoping that you had heard of this kind of thing before.

Signed,

Hopeful in Hartford


Dear Hopeful,

Researchers call it "guilt by association" or "guilt by betrayal". It's a very common side effect of grief, and a stage of bereavement that almost ALL widowers go through. Some experience it early on, and some find guilt is brought about for the first time when they start dating again. Either way, it's not picnic for the GOW, so my heart goes out to you.

Your boyfriend's nightmares are a direct result of this guilt feelings. We all tend to subconsiously dream about things we fear or worry about in our conscious mind. Widowers are no exception.

Once you accept that this is a normal stage of bereavement, you will find it easier to be patient and empathetic with your boyfriend's plight. It seems to be more prevalent with widowers who were married to their late wives for more than a decade, especially the "old-fashioned" type who valued faithfulness in a marriage. But trust me when I tell you - it (the guilt) doesn't last. Once he accepts YOU for the wonderful, unique person you are, his guilt will subside.

Hang in there, and keep loving that man! Keep riding out the storm, for there is a beautiful rainbow at the end of it, I gurantee it!....Blessings, Julie


Do you agree? Disagree? Have comments, advice, or questions? Write me! juliedonnerandersen@mail.com

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WANT A LITTLE CHEESE WITH THAT "WHINE"???

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OK, there's no easy way for me to ask you this, my friends, so I'm just gonna have to blurt it out and pray for your forgiveness...

..I NEED YOUR REVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew. That wasn't so bad. :)

Allow me to explain -

Amazon.com, BarnesAndNoble.com, and AuthorsDen.com all feature my book/articles/excerpts. When someone posts a review, the book gets publicized to editors of major magazines, newspapers, and website owners, who in turn peak awareness of its existance by writing about it, allowing WOWs/GOWs to find it. When the book gets noticed by WOWs and GOWs who need it, our circle of support grows, and the info these ladies so desperately desire gets into their waiting hands!!

Please please please please...Help us all out. Please post a review on one or all of the aforementioned websites. There are buttons on each that will guide you through the simple process. And remember to post your reviews under my NEWLY ISSUED (blue cover) edition, not the old (white cover) one.

I truly hate this part of my job as a writer (self-promotion), but alas, it is a necessary evil if I am to reach the WOWs/GOWs who still feel they are alone.


Along the same whine lines...

...Would you permit me to send you an e-mail chain letter that you would then forward to everyone in your address book, describing my book and inviting those interested to join our newsletter, and asking THEM to, in turn, forward it to everyone in THEIR address books? I have it on good authority (the "suits" - lawyers - whom I pay big bucks to tell me the truth!) that this would not be considered spam as long as there is a disclaimer attached, which I would gladly provide.

E-mail is the fastest, cheapest, and most effective way to reach thousands of people in the shortest amount of time.

If this would be OK with you, please contact me: juliedonnerandersen@mail.com.

Bless you! :)

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THE CIRCLE OF LOVE

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I received a BEAUTIFUL letter from a fellow newsletter subscriber. This sweet WOW told me of her recent 1st death anniversary experience, and I just HAD to share her thoughtfulness and kindness with you:

"Dear Julie, Just wanted to drop you a line and let you know how the 1st death anniversery went. My boyfriend and I grew closer than we already were!!!!"

"I found a really nice poem "A Mother's Love Never Dies", and typed it up really nice and framed it. Then I made 3 of them to give to each of his children. His daughter (the 23yr. old), hugged me and cried. She told me I was awesome!!!"


Julie responds:

~You ARE awesome, Hon!! What a lovely thing to do to honor the late wife's memory for her children's sake, and thereby honoring her contribution to making your boyfriend the man you love! Bless you for your kindheatedness! Your future family-to-be is blessed to have you, as you continue to perpetuate the circle of love!...JDA

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QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH - JULY

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1.) Once you have been married to (or dating) your husband (or boyfriend) as long as he and his late wife, do you feel your WOW/GOW issues will subside? If you have already outlived their union's length of time, how do you feel now compared to when you were first married/dating?


2.) Have you ever been haunted by the late wife's ghost/memory IN THE BEDROOM? How did you feel?


3.) What "tricks of the trade" have worked for you when dealing with the late wife's children? (see above)


~Send your replies to juliedonnerandersen@mail.com. Your privacy and anonymity is guaranteed. :)

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