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Patrick A Granfors

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  Charming Charmin's Wild Ride
by Patrick A Granfors
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Rated "G" by the Author.

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Recent poems by Patrick A Granfors
•  Somebody Blinked
•  Drink About It
•  Bend
•  Dominos
•  Standard Issue
           >> View all 528

The advertisement described below is real. I swear, keep your eyes and ears open if you want to hear marketing genius at its worst.


I was watching the evening news last night in between the standard barrage of Viagra and Hemorrhoid ads when Charmin Bathroom Tissue stole their thunder…and I quote, “Enjoy going more often while using less paper”


Excuse me?

Did I hear you correctly?

I am now encouraged to take more dumps simply for their enjoyment?

While saving the environment of course.


Folks I'm sorry but I’ve been told to exercise more,  eat less,  watch my blood pressure, get a colorectal screening, get some help getting it up, take my vitamins,  but this…….Some dumb ass bear encouraging me to enjoy my shit in the woods more often??


It only makes sense in one context, the fiber people are in a giant conspiracy

with the Charmin people. I mean really, all I see on TV are benefiber and Cheerios commercials insisting that I bulk up my colon for good health.


I’m all for good health and every thing, including helping out the environment. But something deep down inside me says its ok to use as much toilet paper as necessary to do the job right. And whether or not I enjoy myself going more often is none of Charmin’s business thank you. Now pass the Habanero’s please.







Copyright 2010 Patrick Granfors





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Reviewed by Ronald Hull 12/16/2010
Now that's funny. I'll change from, 'Kiss my ass.' to 'Wipe my ass.' from now on.

Reviewed by Kate Burnside 12/15/2010
I can tell you how to use just one sheet of paper as an outdoor toilet seat, finger-wiper, nail cleaner to fold up afterwards and keep in your pocket so as to not leave "waste" in the woods... but Charmin obviously wouldn't like it! :)))))))) xx
Reviewed by Karen Vanderlaan 12/15/2010
Reviewed by Richard King 12/15/2010
Patrick, I don't have much to add to what everyone else has already said,,,, just wanted you to know that reading about this has made me feel crapy myself. My vote is for Quilted Northern. Dick.
Reviewed by Donna Chandler 12/15/2010
I enjoy your humor. And you prove so well, that we can find humor in EVERYTHING ...... even our bathroom habits.

Reviewed by Annabel Sheila 12/15/2010
Giggle....personally I don't count the sheets either! I find MOST television commercials are complete garbage anyway! It's difficult to believe people get paid BIG bucks to think up this shit! (pardon the pun)....

Reviewed by Mr. Ed 12/15/2010
I wondered why I now find more and more toilet paper in the woods; now I know.
Reviewed by Andy Turner 12/15/2010
LOL, I even heard them saying about enjoying taking a wee. lol
Reviewed by Dayvid Graybill 12/14/2010
Hmmm? Sounds like America's got a pr(.)blem here! Glad I don't own a tv if I have to listen to that kind of crap...or smell it! LOL...Funny butt pointed write Patrick!

Reviewed by Ed Matlack 12/14/2010
This IS too weird, even for weirdo's from California like you...beyond that I have nothing to say other than to say, don't forget to eat prunes for then you will use more TP like Charmin wants you too...e
Reviewed by Sage Sweetwater 12/14/2010
One square at a time, not quite like checkers. This is 2-ply wisdom that wipes as clean as new wiper blades in the rain. While in France, do what the French do - Bidet! But with all the fiber ads, the water usage must be tremendous! We've got to conserve, people! I give this 5 butts up, Patrick, Oh, I think Angel Soft gives Charmin a run for her money...

Reviewed by Mark Lichterman 12/14/2010
And Michel Obama must be in cahoots with the Charmin Bear because she is asking for billions of dollars to train our children to eat more fiberes less fattening food. Wow! What'll they, the dumb asses, think of next.
Reviewed by Regis Auffray 12/14/2010
Witty and to the point as usual, Patrick. Thank you. Love and peace,

Reviewed by Christine Tsen 12/14/2010
Oh I so profoundly agree. And I'm so glad to find myself reading your talented wit tonight, enjoying a little bit of de-stressing.

  1. An expose' of the Pines Devil...
  2. Halloween is Coming!
  3. A Guitar
  4. Dog's World
  5. Smile, Darn It
  6. Pop-Ups
  7. It's All About Timing
  8. Addicted...
  9. Did ya ever have a bad week...?
  10. Missed again...
  11. Mushmouth Kostro...
  12. Ma's precious little accident...
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