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William Cryer

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Member Since: Dec, 2004

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spring haiku
by William Cryer

Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Not rated by the Author.
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Recent poems by William Cryer
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Another season in my haiku quartet. Months of writing nothing but prose...poetry starting to get rusty.

First draft:

vast searing blue yawn
bloated clouds hunker low and
brood lurid white thoughts

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Reviewed by Charlie 7/14/2008
Howdy, William! I never did get the nack for Haiku writing, so take this with a grain of salt... great images, but they're disjointed. Link them with verbs, and chuck out the dead words like... okay, there's only one dead word "and"... linking the last two lines is easy-- just a switch in tenses from present to progressive... but to link the first with the middle is tricky... again, you need a verb... here's a cool visual-- what if the clouds are escaping from the blue's yawn? or they're floating on their backs in a lazy sky sea...

You do choose the difficult forms, don't you? You've got some great lines. I love "searing blue yawn", and the cartoon like balloons you've made of the cloud thoughts... good luck! ...and for your next form, you're on to winter? --Charlie
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