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Ian R Thorpe

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· Age Of Certainty

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· Dimensions of Mystery

· A Two Faced Poet

· Millennium Dawn (anthology)

· A Stroke of Luck

Short Stories
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· The Vegetarian Shoemaker Of Barking

· Garry Trotter and the Portal of Pleasure #7

· Garry Trotter and the Portal of Pleasure #3 (Adult Humour)

· The King of the Ribble Delta Blues Singers (humour)

· A Stroke of Luck - Chapter 19

· A Stroke of Luck - Chapter 18

· A Stroke of Luck - Chapter 17

· Freedom Of Speech And Information - Why It Is So Important

· The Science Fraud: Many Scientific Research Papers Are Pure Gobbledegook

· Maybe You Should Think About Getting a Tinfoil Hat After all

· Merry Atheistmas

· High Brasil: Fairy Tale Or Atlantis

· Captive Minds And Intellectual Cowardice

· Is The Universe Helping Us Think

· Deliberately Wrecking Our Environment

· Why War Is Inevitable

· Helping The Mind Cope With Stress

· We Made Love

· The Hands Of Old People

· Time Travellers

· The Pompous Toad

· Bye Bye Blackbird (parody)

· Sleepless Nights Of A Little boy

· Fitness Fanatics Blues

· The Goddess - Anima Mundi

· Spider

· Different Clothes

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· Seasons Greetings

· Poetry Life and Times Interviews Janet Caldwell

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  Attack of the KILLER Trousers...
by Ian R Thorpe
Sunday, June 01, 2003
Not rated by the Author.

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Recent poems by Ian R Thorpe
•  African Ambition
•  Sandanista
•  THEM (poem noir)
•  A Chronicle of Decay
•  Songs of Glory (anti - war)
           >> View all 183

What is the thing we fear most about getting older? Dementia, wrinkles, infirmity, no longer being self sufficient but becoming dependent on others. Maybe, but for many old men the grat fear is being eaten alive by their trousers.

As a man reaches his dotage

When the fire in his belly is gone

and the lead in his pencil turns to dust

He is not safe to be let out alone.

Old men are hunted by killer trousers,

The mere sight of male wrinklies arouses

This predatory beast

To seek a blood feast

Of mature meat before it decomposes.


The waistband creeps steadily higher,

Like a big cat stalking its prey

Hobbled by arthritic stiffness

The oldsters cannot run away

As the trousers close in without any remorse

Until the flies open up like a shark's jaws

As upward they strain

Seeking jugular vein

Which they bite with irresistible force


Day after day score of old men

Are being eaten alive by rogue pants

Whose ultimate aim is world domination.

We must act to stem their advance.

Action must be uncompromising

When you see an old fellow's pants rising,

Don't leave Grandad alone,

Feed him testosterone

Supplement. Make him unappetizing.

Copyright © 2003, Ian R. Thorpe

This is pure silliness but if you like Gothic horror and want to know more about the origins of vampire, demon aand ghost legends cheack bizzare fnd was made in Italy when a Vampire's Grave was opened at















Worried about ageing

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Reviewed by Ian Thorpe 6/4/2012
For some reason AD will not let me update my posts and I want to add a link to a related piece. Let's try here:
<a href="">Just When You Thought It Was Safe To get Back In Your Deck Chain </a>
Reviewed by Joni Stewart-Hague 10/10/2003
hahahahahahaha -- good one ! Very witty, and quite true. well done !
Reviewed by Ronald Dondiego 6/21/2003
Great fun! But what about viagra - it's the new drug craze sweeping our North American landscape? As for me the only screw I've been getting lately is the drink. (Middle age syndrome)!
Reviewed by Janet Caldwell 6/13/2003
Hee hee, you silly willy. This is a delight.

Love, Jan xoxoxo
Reviewed by Candida Eittreim 6/12/2003
LOL LOL this reminds me of The Green Pair of Pants by Theodore Geisel You did a wonderful job, of taking an ordinary item such as trousers and using it for a very witty piece!

Reviewed by A PAX 6/11/2003
Reviewed by Katy Walsvik 6/8/2003
Ian, you cheeky fellow.. the answer to my ongoing quest for hilarity in rhyme.. If our 'oldsters' pants are creeping up, then it must also be an age thing that keeps some trousers nearly around a few guys' BUTTS! To HELL with belts! Drop 'em! (grin). katy.
Reviewed by Sue Harris 6/2/2003
Amazing! Thank you Ian, for yet again making me chuckle.
Reviewed by Diana 6/1/2003
if the pants keep rising, take them off and use what you've got...
Reviewed by Zenith Elliott 6/1/2003
This really made my day...Lol thank you for the wonderful poem with the hilarious visions!
Reviewed by Eunice Perkins 6/1/2003
I had to have another read of this.It's hilarious.
Reviewed by Calendula Petal (Reader) 6/1/2003
thank goodness you brought this increasing problem to my attention, I shall have to be vigilant.
p.s. Great stuff as always.
Reviewed by Sara Coslett 6/1/2003 this what I have to look forward to with my husband?
Reviewed by Tinka Boukes 6/1/2003
Very funny !!
Reviewed by Elizabeth Taylor (Reader) 6/1/2003
Hilarious. I live in the retirement capital of the world. I am going out to check this out immediately. hahahaha
Reviewed by Sara Russell 6/1/2003
Even old men will probably enjoy this... thanks for the laughs.... Sara
Reviewed by Christa Joyce 6/1/2003
Very funny and very real
Reviewed by Alexander Shaumyan (Reader) 6/1/2003
Sweat pants might be a solution. :) Good one!
Reviewed by Leland Waldrip 6/1/2003
A bellylaugh!
Very good!
Reviewed by Deborah Carter 6/1/2003
lol true....great write
Reviewed by Gwen Dickerson 6/1/2003
Ouch! This is a great little horror poem! lol
Reviewed by Sandie Angel 6/1/2003
Hahaha!!!!!....LOL!!!!! Ian, this was really great. I got a good chuckle out of this one. Good write indeed!

May Lu $*_*$ a.k.a. Sandie Angel :o)
Reviewed by Diane Wagner 6/1/2003
Ian, this is too great. I just love it.
Thanks for posting it! Diane

Books by
Ian R Thorpe

Blöd Ties

A Stroke of Luck

Millennium Dawn (anthology)

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  1. in honor of
  2. Water Baby
  3. Blue Morpho
  4. Your Own Nuclear Power
  5. For Emily
  6. Defeat
  7. Woodsmoke and Possibility....
  8. I Wish I Could Tell You...
  9. Free Spirit
  10. Traveler's Lament
  11. I'm So Happy
  12. reevaluation
  13. Heaven on Earth
  14. In The Bath
  15. My Scars
  16. Last Birthday
  17. larger voice
  18. Eclipse
  19. I Am . . .
  20. Kaleidoscope World

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