Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house
Not a sound echoed for hearing, save from my snoring spouse...
The spirit of cheer gone from a place so silent, which is rare...
St. Nick Missing In Action read the paper by the stair...
The holiday had been stolen by some madman, it was said
No visions of sugar-plums danced that eve, the Post read...
The families had gone home and my wife...to her nap.
But I alone investigate still where Santa must've fallen off the map...
But as I began with compass and pen, I heard a slight chatter
And grabbing my rifle I stood to see what was the matter
For voices that speak so softly and swift
Are up to no good at all, if you catch my drift.
So rushing to the windows, and glancing towards the dawn
I stared across the fallen snow that shined the lawn...
And there beyond I counted eight sets of antlers, perhaps more...
Lying across the asphalt beyond my Mazda's front door...
"By God!" I thought, "A Hit and Run Accident's Occurred!"
and rushing outside, forgetting the voices, to their aid I was spurred
But the sleigh and Old Red were nowhere in sight...
And as I charged forth I found that I had stepped into a fight.
The Elves were Rebelling! With M-16's and more! I saw soon enough
They'd commandeered an airplane and appeared guerilla tough!
Camoflauged for winter they were marching on the scene
None more than knee high, and all chanting things obscene...
I raised up my rifle but saw a rocket launcher leveled at my head
And for a moment I wished I were with my wife in bed...
The missile was fired in this small suburban drive
And I knew that I only had the next few seconds to be alive.
But then I heard a voice like thunder and the sky shook free its frost
The winds whipped and snow blew and the missile seemed to be lost...
The elves squealed for cover though orders were shouted
But all of the winters tempest was, at them, spouted.
I cried out for cover and was tossed by the slain Vixen
The wind badgered, but I was shielded by Donner and Blitzen
The elves were sent flying beyond porch and higher than the Great Wall
As the winter furies did dash away, dash away all.
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The elves were sent to heights beyond that of the sky
And I looked long beyond the house top as they flew
And wondered if St. Nick had been blown away too...
But then a boxers hand and voice very gruff
Grabbed me from my shelter and treated me rough
And I stared into the drunken eyes of Santa Claus
His beard red, hair tussled, clothes wrecked gave me pause.
"Why have you done this, you, plainest of mortals?!
My elven troops rebelling, grabbed at my pedals!
My sleigh was shot from the sky as though from a bow!
And all eight of my friends were by their hands laid low!"
I couldn't explain for his hands were crushing out my air
The wind still was blowing as though it would pull out my hair
But then the blizzard did quit its violent rumbling
And from Santa's grip I fell, still trembling.
He took a pipe from his pocket and lit up with a puff
And I stood slowly trying to appear humble, not tough.
"Dear Saint, please hear, I have not allied myself with that mischevious band...
all I have been doing is trying to find out why you were forced to land..."
"Then come with me, for you may be a loyal friend."
and with a wink of his eye I knew I had nothing to dread.
And with a wave of his hand a new sleigh raised
From the snow, made of ice, it shimmered and blazed.
"Are you well armed and ready, for this fight will be long."
I nodded as the breeze sang as sad, lamenting song
And eight new reindeer came down from the clouds
All gray and white, sad eyed as if their fur were burial shrouds.
"This year was the holiday gifts and cheer left to Jack's frost
and I fear the children have all suffered at great cost
but when this is over and we return to the land of Sun
I hope you'll tell them the tale of how the War of Elves was begun."
I gave Saint Nick a poignant nod
And we were off at a speed faster than God!
I heard him exclaim, as we drove out of sight
Upwards and onwards into the chase of Night
"Take no sadness into your heart for the loss this year
no muttered Happy Christmas should not bring a tear
For the worlds in wanting of a new holiday
And though the elves revolt, it's still a good day."