The Legend of Mad Dog Manda
© Choco Munday, 2005
I was driving eighteen wheelers up in north west New South Wales
'Twas the year I drove for twenty hours straight,
I'd stopped to check the load, it had shifted on its bails
And I thought I'd better re-arrange some freight.
I was just about to back the bloody forklift down the ramps
When I heard a voice behind me loud and clear;
"You'll lose the bloody lot unless you tighten down these clamps,
Have you got a ten inch shifter in your gear?"
I looked in stunned amazement and my jaw dropped to the ground,
I must have looked a proper silly goose.
I handed her a shifter and she smiled and turned around
And tightened down the dog-clutch that was loose.
Her hair was soft and yellow like the colour of the sun
She had a six-pack where her belly button showed.
Her legs were long and shapely and they ended at her bum,
Her eyes were just like chips of ice that glowed.
"Stop looking at me tits and get this rig back on the road,"
She said as she handed back my shifter.
"Er, sure" I stammered, blushing, like my head would soon explode,
This girl was no ordinary drifter!
She threw her swag inside the cab and swung into the seat;
I double checked the trailer and the load.
I jumped behind the wheel and got the diesel running sweet,
Then I eased the big Mack out onto the road.
"I'm heading north through Inverell, then on to Narrabri,"
I said to her, by way of conversation.
I glanced in her direction like I needed a reply,
She said, "I haven't got a final destination".
We travelled on in silence 'neath the scorching midday sun,
Although the air inside the cab was dry and cold.
The road was clear and so I set the speedo on a ton,
And for an hour or so we watched the road unfold.
Suddenly she sat up straight and checked the road ahead,
In the rear view, she checked the road behind.
"Don't you think it's strange that we've seen no trucks?" she said,
"Yep" I said, "the thought has crossed my mind".
"There's trouble up ahead" she said, "You'd better slow it down"
But I couldn't see what she was on about.
It might have been her steely gaze or just her worried frown,
So I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
I shifted down a gear or two and slowed us to a crawl,
There was something in the air that wasn't right.
"There's a town ahead" I told her, "about a mile, as I recall,"
She said, "Yes, that's where I was last night".
I turned the wheel and pulled my rig into the break-down lane,
I said "OK, girlie, what's this game you play?"
She sighed and said "Believe me, this is not a bloody game
And don't ever call me 'girlie' or you'll pay!"
The daggers in those cold, blue eyes sent shivers up my spine
So I stammered "M....m..my mistake, I'm sorry".
She said "I'm Mad Dog Manda, or just 'Mad Dog' will be fine,
Sit back awhile and listen to my story".
"I usually drive a road train on the Darling River run,
In the wet I take the Kenworth down to Bourke.
I stay a week or two, get some rest and have some fun,
Then I look around and get myself some work".
"I was throwing down some Ruskies at the Posty late last night
When this truckie stuck his head into the pub.
'Saddle up your bogies, lads, and dog 'em down real tight,
The rest of you should hide out in the scrub!'"
"I asked him what's the matter, he said 'Aggie's on her way!'
Well, the pub was emptied out in seconds flat!
'Who the fuck is Aggie?' was all that I could say,
The barmaid said 'You'd better hide out back!'
"Suddenly I heard a crash, the door snapped off its frame,
Then this Amazonian burst into the bar.
'A schooner of tequila, and give this bitch the same',
Then she looked at me and swallowed her cigar.
"'My name's Aggie and I wanna know who owns the truck outside'
She was pointing to my Kenworth parked out front.
'I do, what about it?' I said to her with pride,
She said 'You haven't paid my toll you little....person!'
"She stomped up to the bar and downed her drink in just one gulp,
So I did the same, just to be polite.
'You have to pay the toll, or I'll beat you to a pulp,
Now it's your shout, I haven't got all night!'"
"I bought two more tequilas, threw mine down and swallowed hard,
Then I said 'Aggie, shove your toll right up your arse!'
I turned and walked away, but I was always on my guard,
Then the freak came at me with a broken glass!
"I ducked and turned and slammed my fist right into her bread-basket,
Which made me think I'd brought her down a peg,
I knew I had to move or she'd put me in a casket,
So I kicked her head and nearly broke my leg!
"The last thing I remember, I heard Aggie scream and swear
As she slammed a beer keg down on top of me.
I woke up where you found me, someone must have dumped me there,
Now we've got to steal my truck back, haven't we?"
I frowned and shook my head as I muttered some excuse,
But she smiled at me and weakened my resistance.
I groaned, "Ah, bloody hell, we'll get thrown in the caboose!"
Then I spotted something shimmering in the distance.
"That's my Kenworth!" Mad Dog shouted as the haze began to clear,
Then I heard its engine rumble under load.
Without another thought I pumped the clutch and found a gear,
And I parked the Mack to block the bloody road!
We jumped down from the cabin as the Kenworth locked its brakes,
It drifted sideways in a cloud of choking smoke.
I smelled the burning rubber and I think I got the shakes,
Then through the din, Mad Dog Manda spoke.
"Give me back my truck, you slag!" yelled Mad Dog as she strode
To the Kenworth, where she had but one accord.
Through the clearing smoke I watched as Aggie stepped down to the road,
She didn't even use the running-board!
The Amazon stood eight foot tall and snarled like a rabid bitch,
Mad Dog Manda barely came up to her waist!
But she was quick and had, by far, a nicer pair of tits
Which jiggled as she kicked in Aggie's face.
Aggie lunged at Mad Dog, but she quickly jumped away,
Then came back again with punches, slaps and kicks.
She soon had Aggie on her knees, which ended the foray,
But I saw that Aggie had some dirty tricks.
As Mad Dog climbed in to her truck and reached up for the keys,
Aggie turned and grabbed a wheel brace from its clip;
I yelled "Look out!" as Aggie aimed it straight at Mad Dog's knees,
In a howl of pain, Mad Dog lost her grip.
Enraged, I grabbed at something that was long and hard and flat,
As Aggie went in for the big king-hit.
I swung the shovel at her head just like a baseball bat,
Aggie hit the deck just like a bag of shit.
We tied her up and drove our trucks into the little town;
The coppers came and ended Aggie's fun.
It wasn't long 'till Mad Dog Manda's name became renown
As the one who beat the "Scourge of Highway One".
At the Postie on that fateful night we raised our drinks in toast,
She had Ruskies, I was happy with my beer.
Every truckie from the outback, every truckie from the coast
Was there to celebrate and sing and cheer.
For me, that night was special, but that's all I've got to say,
'Cos no other truckie since can make the claim
To be the only person in the world to know the way
A truckie's singlet looks on Mad Dog Manda's frame!