The Tale of Dingly Dell
A Shepherd's life in Dingly Dell
Is peaceful, pure and whole;
The clean, fresh air,
On days so fair
Gives strength to enrich the soul.
Dennis was a shepherd boy
Who lived in Dingly Dell;
He loved his sheep,
Some say too deep,
But he surely kept them well.
Dennis was loved by all the folks
Who lived around the vale;
Though big and strong,
He never did wrong;
His heart was as big as a whale.
Now Dennis had a secret love
She ran the railway station.
Her golden hair
And skin so fair
Bellied her occupation.
Her name was Heidi Florentine
And Dennis loved her dearly;
Each night at eight
He'd pass her gate
To hear her singing clearly.
Now Heidi had a special place
For Dennis, in her heart;
She wondered why
He was so shy
And when he'd make a start!
Each night she'd see him walking home
From dipping, crutching and docking;
She'd sing her tune
Of love in June
And hope he'd come a-knocking.
Poor Dennis fought within himself
To ask her for a date;
But at the station
To his frustration
He couldn't get past the gate!
When shearing time came 'round in Spring
There was cause for celebration;
The springtime dance
Was just the chance
For Dennis to stop at the station.
So late that night he found himself
Outside the station gate;
The cold, crisp night
The stars so bright-
He'd put his trust in fate!
A distant noise broke through the night,
A light flickered down the track;
The Ten O'clock train
Was late again,
So Heidi was working back.
The late night train pulled up with a screech
And Heidi turned to signal it;
But Bob the conductor
Had plans to abduct her
And Heidi tore his singlet.
With a cackling laugh he left her there,
Bespoiled and sobbing sadly;
As the train pulled clear
She heard Bob sneer,
"You can keep the singlet, gladly!"
Dennis heard the train alright
But the noise drowned Heidi's crying;
Then some strange feeling
Sent him wheeling
To where his love was lying.
Dennis' heart was in his mouth
As he mounted platform two;
"My God!" he said
"Please don't be dead,
I've yet to say I love you!"
Heidi didn't die that night,
But the shock near snuffed her completely;
When he laid her head
On the hospital bed,
He removed the blue singlet discreetly.
He returned to the station with blood in his eyes
To review the conductor's roster;
He wanted to see
Who could possibly be
His true love's perverted accoster.
Now the railway stop at Dingly Dell
Was a link for parcels and messages;
Each driver was paired,
So their duties were shared
Between driving and checking the passengers.
It took but a minute for Dennis to see
That the train would soon be returning;
He switched the lines back
To a little used track,
And waited, his anger still burning.
When Dennis' rage had reached its peak
He heard the train whistle blow;
Then the train slowed down
As it passed through the town,
It was time for Dennis to go!!
The train braked hard and screeched to a stop,
The driver looked pained and confused;
"This isn't the track on
Which I'm to go back on,
It's hardly ever been used!"
Dennis jumped up to the engine room door,
Which startled the driver quite ample;
"I'm not here to scare ya,
I'm after the wearer
Of the singlet which matches this sample".
"The last time I saw a blue singlet like that",
Said the driver, recovering from shock;
"Was on back of a person
Filling in for Macpherson,
He gets off, when he's finished, next stop."
When Dennis explained what had happened, in brief,
The driver said he would assist him;
"The guy's name is Bob,
He's asleep on the job,
When we've finished I'm going to sack him."
They found the conductor asleep on the floor
At the back of the dining car suite;
He was gently awoken
As his fingers were broken
Then Dennis hauled him up to his feet.
His struggling and screaming was brought to a stop
As Dennis looked into his eyes;
"Your ten second shag
When you lost this blue rag
Will probably be your demise!"
Bob knew in an instant what fate had in store
And he cringed and whimpered and cowered;
He was dragged by his hair
To the cold night air
By the man whose true love he'd deflowered.
The train driver left and continued his run
As Dennis hauled Bob through the Dell;
He had every intention
To seek Police intervention,
But first he must end Heidi's hell.
He dragged the assailant to the hospital doors,
The night nurse stood scared and distraught;
"This scumbag conductor
Is Heidi's abductor,
I want her to see that he's caught!"
The night nurse knew Dennis and knew he was right,
So they dragged Bob up next to the bed
Where Heidi was lying,
Her eyes red from crying,
Her featureless face almost dead.
Her face remained blank for a moment or two,
Then her eyes opened wider and clearer;
As the trance fell away
All she did was to say
"Oh, please! Oh no, Please! Don't come nearer!"
The night nurse ran over to where Heidi lay,
She was yelling out blasphemes and curses;
She looked Bob in the eye
And said "Let's you and I
Have some practice at Doctors and nurses!"
The night nurse and Dennis let Heidi exact
Her revenge on that cowardly scum;
The Police never questioned,
The courts never mentioned
How Bob's nuts ended up in his bum!
Bob went to prison for ten long years,
All the inmates were really quite pleased.
Bob never worked out
How they found out about
The cut and the tuck he'd received.
Heidi recovered and went back to work
And Dennis went back to his flock;
But each night at eight
He'd open her gate
And walk up to her front door and knock!
The sands of time soon faded away
The memory of Bob and his leer;
But still the night view
Along platform two
Would make Heidi tremble with fear.
Heidi could never feel safe and secure
While working on platform two;
So when Dennis asked nice
She didn't think twice,
Her next words after that were "I DO!"
Well that's the story of Dennis the shepherd
And Heidi the railway hand.
She now earns her keep
While Dennis just works on the land.
So if you're wandering through Dingly Dell
And the 10 O'Clock train whistle calls;
Remember that night,
Be nice and polite,
And you might come away with your balls!