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C. J. Stevens

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Member Since: Aug, 2000

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Thinking of my father
by C. J. Stevens
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           >> View all 45

Because I haven't the courage
to say yes when you perversely
remind me that you are slowly
dying, because I can't tell you
decently-honestly I think your guess
is more than the breath you have left -
now I must watch your slow death
and know the guilt I feel comes to me
from you and is your gift. I have always
loved you, hated you, denied myself
to please you. But most of all, I have
bartered, placated, lied to make peace.
You, in turn, gave me your dead runes
of truth; riddles of fear, puzzles of dread -
little festers I can pick to make me think;
little scabs I can love for hiding scars.
I have always been the father, and you
the son - you wanted to steal my generation.
You wanted me old, and you, lovably young.
Your best years were wasted on the fear of death,
and now in dying you are perversely courageous.
One day I shall hate myself for writing this.

John Wade Publishing
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Reviewed by Z McClure
As I read this poem, I found myself thinking 'I've wrestled with emotions like this before'. The inner life is often hidden and suffered in silence by so many, and you have well put into words what so many either cannot or will not. Thankyou for taking the time to clarify an area many struggle with- Zach
Reviewed by Janet Caldwell
Wow, the gut wrenching pain and honesty is to be applauded. I've had my own guilt over my 'parents' and things written. I have finally forgiven them and myself. At the time, I needed to write it and I don't feel guilty anymore. This had me with a knot in my throat. Really good C.J., thank you for this.

Janet xoxoxo
Reviewed by Regis Auffray
I watched my father die for over five years and your sentiments hit the depth of my soul. Thank you for sharing this honest and moving offering. Love and peace to you,

Regis
Reviewed by Leland Waldrip
An emotional juggernaut, C.J. I envy no one for having to write this, but I know whereof you speak.
Best,
Leland
Reviewed by La Belle Rouge (Reader)
This is powerfully written, a fist in the gut write. I know a father and son just like this you have captured so much reality in your words.
Reviewed by Dawn Richerson
i'm amazed at the clarity you've achieved here. a worthy poem.
Reviewed by Mitzi Jackson
No don't
you have to let it out
sometimes we feel things and we don't really know why, or are embaressed that we do it is for a reason, you don't seem the kind of person who is hateful or spiteful.....love him as best you can....one~day it will be revealed and the key is to love in peace
do take care the best of wishes and prayers to you and yours
Reviewed by Sandie Angel
Steven:

This is one great write. I can feel the emotions from your words.

Sandie Angel a.k.a. Sandie May Angel :o)
Reviewed by Judy Lloyd (Reader)
I agree with Michelle but it was healing to you to write it. God bless.
Reviewed by Michelle Mills
Yes CJ, one day you will be sorry you wrote this. But for now it's meant to be a catharis isn't it? Parenting is such a complicated business. I've learned that first hand. This is a fine piece of work. Check your email please. I sent you a couple this week! Thanks so much, Michelle
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