WHAT IT MEANS TO ME TO HAVE TWO NEW BRAIN LESIONS AS OF NOVEMBER 10,2008.
It means I am starting the “rounds” again with all my doctors.
It means wondering how fast the lesions could grow and if they will.
It means future craniotomies with Dr. Samson, chief of neurosurgery.
It means telling all my friends, again!
It means not going out to dance with new friends I had made.
It means pulling out my CD with my brain scan films on it whenever I have to see a doctor.
It means telling my story over and over! YUCK!
It means worrying if my headaches that are past a 6 on 1-10 scale will ever get the relief needed.
It means MORE PAIN!
It means possible Gamma Knife radiation to stop growth hopefully!
It means staying up all night because the pain is sooo bad!
It means my life of doctors and hospitals is NOT OVER YET!
It means I am not normal.
It means faking a smile when I feel like dying! (That would be tonight-January 20,2009)
It means remaking my will.
It means my tremor on right side is worse.
It means I am so scared-constantly!
It means thanking God each day
YET cursing him too for all the pain I have endured and will continue to endure.
It means wondering what each day will bring to me-Pain most likely.
It means due to some side affects I am reminded of the lesions everyday!
It means wanting to give up yet wanting to go on with my life as well.
It means wondering if the neurosurgeon can remove my lesions if they grow.
It means MRI's and MRA's every 6 months now.
It means I will hyperventilate inside the MRI machine again!
It means getting NO emotional support from my Father and Step-Mom.
It means I will most likely try to overdose if in a mind-alternating state of consciousness.
It means having a part of me enjoy EVERY NEW DAY!
It means not wanting to leave Bernie and Ruth.
It means I need to get a cat (an animal cat that is) soon.
It means waking up from headaches in the middle of the night.(tonight-January 20,2009)
It means wondering if life is worth the amount of pain I have been enduring.
It means going through many doctors until you finally find the RIGHT one!
It means facing NEW side affects from lesions in the brain.
It means loving life and hating it too.
It means being scared while waiting for test results but my family does not seem to care.
It means being on social security disability since October 1995.
It means not being able to bare children (hysterectomy) and
wanting to have a child, now.
It means having 2 brain diseases: of migraines and hydrocephalus.
It means growing up faster than others my age.
It means wondering about the “after-life” once I die.
It means making more new friends that have brain tumors or lesions in this area.
It means realizing I have lived past the time-table given to me.
It means on May 5, 2009 I will have been Alive for 20 years!
(First doctor said I would be dead by July of 1991)
It means I am tired and wanting some peace.
Written by Rebekah (Bek) Lang on Wednesday, January 21, 2009 at 1:30AM.
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