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  Home > Humor > Poetry
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Peter J. Oszmann

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Member Since: Dec, 2001

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Books
· Jew Be or Not Jew Be; The Story of a Perpetual Alien


Short Stories
· Stories about my childhood, my Mother and her family.

· The Butterfly Effect (Repost) Revised

· A living, breathing abstract art…- (Satire)

· Christmas Miracles.

· The Anniversary.

· Traces In The Air - A story of Meaningful Coincidences.

· A Bar of Chocolate… and a Smile…

· You'll cry where no one will see you.

· Professor Somersault knows it all.

· Travel Diary USA - Canada. 1995.


Articles
· About the Book -“Remember Us”

· About dicks and arseholes.

· Dotcomology

· Bringing up kids.

· Blogito, ergo sum.

· 2 Blog Or Not 2 Blog.

· Terrorism, martyrdom: A "Jew-ish" perspective.

· Ruminations…

· Who needs Love?…

· Thoughts… just thoughts… Part 2


Poetry
· Once upon a time - Sonnet

· A stroll in the autumn glow - Sonnet

· Autumn Requiem

· Hallowed be Thy name…

· After sunset - Sonnet

· Why visit museums?

· Searching for your face in the clouds – Sonnet

· Tanabata - Sonnet

· A Moment On a Summer’s Day… - Sonnet

· In another world…

         More poetry...
News
· Magda's Daughter : A Hidden Child's Journey Home

· Author Interview at Phoenix Book Reviews.

· Review of "Jew Be or Not Jew Be; The Story of a Perpetual Alien" at Phoenix Book Reviews

· The Book "Jew Be or Not Jew" Be Available in the UK.

Peter J. Oszmann, click here to update your web pages on AuthorsDen.

   
Books by Peter J. Oszmann
  Ideal Man – Ideal Woman
by Peter J. Oszmann
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Rated "G" by the Author.

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Recent poems by Peter J. Oszmann
•  Once upon a time - Sonnet
•  A stroll in the autumn glow - Sonnet
•  Autumn Requiem
•  Hallowed be Thy name…
•  After sunset - Sonnet
           >> View all 256


Two sets of poems with a touch of satire about the “Ideal” as perceived by the opposite sex and with a “straight twist” at the end of the second one.


 


“The ideal man.”

 

As conceptualised by most women

 

 

He is rare as an albino swallow,

With body like the divine Apollo,

And with the strength of mighty Hercules,

Blessed with eloquence of Demosthenes. *

 

Alas… if physically he isn’t like that,

At the least he should be considerate,

Be well aware of the female psyche;

His temperament should not be spiky.

His bad days should be rare; he should ooze charm,

Opening his valet shouldn’t cause alarm.

Female capriciousness he’d treat with wit,

At night if we say no, that should be it.

If needed he should be ready to fight,

Never should fail us but always delight….

 

N’ if in all above he should disappoint,

He should still marry us… that’s the point…

 

 

Footnote: * Demosthenes was a Greek statesman and orator (384–322 BC).\

 

 

“The Ideal Woman.”

 

As conceptualised by a variety of males

 

According to a Husband:

 

Simple, diligent, domesticated, serves her Master,

And wears the same dress day in, day out… and years after….

 

 

According to a Lover:

 

Fiery, adventurous, always ready for a kiss,

And every embrace of hers is sheer heavenly bliss.

 

 

According to a Poet:

 

A winged, virginal, shadowy figure…

And oft’ in my bed with wild behaviour.

 

 

 

According to a Young Man:

 

Alluring, seductive, mysterious,

And her scent makes me feel delirious.

 

 

According to a Middle Aged Man:

 

I care not if she’s yours, or lover of the milkman,

Just as long as she feels that I am her ideal man.

 

 

According to an Elderly Man:

 

She cooks, washes, softly tucks me in… and cares,

Doesn’t use my toothbrush, and doesn’t eat my éclairs.

 

 

My own definition:

 

I loved one… lived with her… took her for granted…

And been weeping ever since she departed…

 

 

© P. J. Oszmann (2010)

© Illustration created in Photoshop combining public domain photographs of statues of Apollo and Aphrodite.

 

 


Jew Be or Not Jew Be


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Reviewed by Joy Hale 1/7/2013
Just rambling through the poets list and landed on your site. So glad that I did; this is an awesome write, humorous, a tad sad, but absolutely enjoyable!!

Joy L. Hale
Reviewed by pat medlin 4/8/2012
oh my...i loved this trip...neat write for sure peter....pmedlin
Reviewed by P. A. Zimmerman 7/28/2011
Very touching when it did not have me laughing. Good job.
Reviewed by Mitzi Jackson 7/21/2010
heartfelt and yes cleva
Reviewed by Elisabeth Barstowe 7/19/2010
Clever.
Reviewed by Regis Auffray 7/17/2010
Cleverly concocted and shared; and honestly sad as well. Thank you, Peter. Love, peace, and best wishes to you,

Regis
Reviewed by Ed Matlack 7/17/2010
I'm in trouble then as even with my diabetes I love eating eclairs...yum, Ed
Reviewed by Christine Tsen 7/17/2010
This dazzled my mind!
I know you're the ideal poet!

Blessings,
Christine
Reviewed by Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner 7/17/2010
Thought provoking, with humor and sadness -- the ending stanza says volumes. Well done, Peter.

(((HUGS))) and love, Karla.
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