My Ocean
By Erica Mendoza

If I saved all my tears since the day I was born
I could have made my own ocean.
And the water that flows in my ocean
Would be rich in memories
Both good and bad
Happiness and sadness
Pain and anger
Experiences that will never be forgotten.
And my tears, the ocean of tears I could taste now
Sweet and salty
My tears quench my thirst
My own tears on my taste bud.
Sweet… I love the taste
But never the crying
I despise every single tear
That flows from my pained eyes
Soulful, almost transparent eyes
Always wet with tears.
Blurred vision that never ceases to see
The ugly face of life
Shades of dreadful gray
Almost black.
No, kind of ash-like in color
Like the ashes of a burnt being
Collected and kept in an urn
And the romantics would throw it
In the ocean, scatter the ashes
Like setting them free
And they choose where to go
And never know where they will lead, or float
Or just drift way
Go where the water flows
Where the tide will drag them
And once more, get lost
Like life.

My tears speak for my life, my soul.
My tears tell the buried stories within.
Full of love, love, and love.
Every tear I shed, is a drop of eternal love
That will never, never dry up.
It will never go away.
Every time I cry, I give out love… and pain
Pain that will not heal
Pain that is beyond time
Pain that defies absolute time
Tears that prove how much love I have…
And what life is all about.
Life, my life, is all about the ocean
My ocean of tears…
Tears of happiness, of pain, frustration,
Anger, insanity, stagnation, change
And most of all tears of Love.

My ocean expands and expands
Goes deeper and deeper
As long as I exist and recognize emotions
My tears will always fall.
And I can never stop it
Even if I close my eyes
And pretend I don’t see anything.
Even in dreams I cry
I can feel in my dreams
I am hurt, I smile
I am in love in my dreams.
My tears signify my existence
It embodies the truth
That I am a being
Something like “I cry, therefore I am”
Funny but true .
But let me utter this
I hate crying.
I want to stop every tear that drops
From my eyes.
Stop…
Stop…
Stop…
Drip, drop, drip, drop
I try to smile in tears
Crazy little woman
Crazy little mother
Crazy little lover
So little girl…
Stop crying.
Now…
Now…
Now…

I’ll live.