Cardiotomy

HX & PE:

The diagnosis was obvious from the onset, with critical action required. It began, not with minor heartburn sensations or mildly radiating pain, but with a crushing, aching, breath-taking squeeze of the emotions. One moment patient was functionally normal, unaware of difficulty, the next he was transported instantly into transcendent space. With alarming force and speed, patient experienced aberrant cardiac rhythms. Strangely, instead of going asystole, patient’s heart rate accelerated wildly, raging out of control and into unmanageable extremes of sensory tachycardia. Apparent pheromonal assaults on his olfactory threshold continued collaterally. Lab results were startling, with the testosterone titre beyond normal limits; emotional enzymes were off the scale completely. The news was soon broken to the patient: he had suffered a heart seizure of the most precarious and unpredictable kind.  Clearly, a strong surge of female attraction had penetrated all of the body’s natural defense systems protecting his feelings and he sustained a massive, extensive (near fatal) spasm of attachment to this causative paragon of pulchritudinous passion.

IMPRESSION:

Fortunately, medical science can today perform miraculous recoveries today, but amazingly, the object of patient’s precipitant affections is a cardiotomist (At least we think she is). At any rate, she has replaced patient’s old, worn, melancholy heart with a new one that sings and smiles. Her emotional post-surg rehabilitation program is doing wonders for him, although it is noted that his cardiac rate is still tachycardic whenever she enters his room. Despite the fact that he shall never be fully recovered, and must continue to receive regular infusions of her lovely spirit and charm (most particularly plenty of physical therapy), the cardiotomy itself was brilliantly successful and the patient himself is ecstatic over his short-term chances for success!

PROGNOSIS:

Prognosis continues to be  excellent! Rx: Continue treatments as ordered, review progress PRN. It will, of course, be critical to maintain spiritual and physical therapy without interruption for a full recovery!