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  Home > Poetry > Poetry
Popular: Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry     
Alan D Busch
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Member Since: Feb, 2008

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Books
• Stuff My Father Won't Tell Me Revision #2 of Part 1

• Chapters 1 and 2 of My Molochim (under construction)

• Prologue to My Molochim (Angels)

• Snapshots In Memory of Ben


Short Stories
• These Lights We Kindle, revision 5 for submission

• These Lights We Kindle, Revision 4

• These Lights We Kindle, revision 3

• These Lights We Kindle, revision 2

• These Lights We Kindle (revised)

• Cruising Route 66 With Dad, Revision #2

• Cruising Route 66 With Dad-Revision 1

• Cruising Route 66 With Dad

• Proposed preface to Alan's 2nd Book ...

• Is It Still Okay If Your Father Cries? TO BE PUBLISHED BY THE JEWISH PRESS


Articles
• Jewish Humor

• I Grieve For Ben At My Side (final revision)

• I Grieve For Ben At My Side

• As The Ninth Year Approaches ... Yom Yom

• Fundamentals of Fathers and Sons

• Author and Friend Micki Peluso Leads Fight Against Drunk Driving

• A Father Muses as the Eighth Anniversary of His Son's Death Nears

• Making Lemonade ... Parkinson's Really 'Sux', Doesn't It?

• Parkinson's Disease Sux

• Every Day is Thanksgiving


Poetry
• Martin

• Fingers, A Poem for Kimberly (revision 5)

• Fingers (substantially revised #4)

• Fingers (revision #3)

• Shacharis Musings (revised and published)

• Three Jewish Love Poems

• Zac's Lilies

• Shacharis Musings

• Revision of The First To Be

• May He A Teacher Become

         More poetry...
News
• I Grieve ... Published online at Chicago Jewish United Federation

• IS IT STILL OKAY IF YOUR FATHER CRIES TO BE PUBLISHED BY THE JEWISH PRESS

• Reckonings A Language You Understand in the Orthodox Union

• New Horizons Features Alan's Story

• Alan on Facebook

• This Sunday, 6/21/09 at www.aish.com

• Read Alan's Short Story Published In This Week' s Jewish Press


Events
• Michael Medved in Skokie January 17, 2009

• Michael Medved Returns to Skokie

• Medved Event Update

• Medved Returns to Skokie

Alan D Busch, click here to update your web pages on AuthorsDen.

Recent poems by Alan D Busch
Martin
Fingers, A Poem for Kimberly (revision 5)
Fingers (substantially revised #4)
Fingers (revision #3)
Zac's Lilies
While Vigilance Slept (revision of Dignity Restored)
Three Jewish Love Poems
Shacharis Musings (revised and published)
Shacharis Musings
Revision of The First To Be
Pleasantness and Praise
May He A Teacher Become
           >> View all 41
Studies in Poetry Revision
by Alan D Busch
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Rated "G" by the Author.

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Dear Readers,

This took some doing, but here I present two versions of a poem: the older version in black; the revision in red. Please read both and decide which reads better in terms of rythem. Please write a short review telling me if you like this format and which version you prefer.

Note that while some stanzas have been revised, others have not.


"Up Heaven's Slope: Dedicated to Our "Kedoshim" 

Why wrenched from hearth and home,         
o'er hills and fields whence they came?
Dreaming dreams didst they freely roam,
awakened to morning cold and lame.

Why wrenched from hearth and home,
o'er hills and fields whence they came?
Dreaming dreams didst they freely roam,
awakened to morning cold and lame
.


Wearily trod up heaven's slope

gray figures stooped, transparently thin,

recalling life from days before …

while awaiting storms of Heavenly din.

 

Wearily trod up heaven's slope,


their figures stooped,transparently thin,

anguished lives as none others before

why tarry the storms of Heavenly din?


Unlike Goliath in battle fell,

a travail, cold and dark, did numb

that David who had fought so well

would soon that night succumb.

 

Much like Goliath who in battle fell,

a travail, cold and dark, did numb

that even David who had fought so well

would soon that night succumb.


Prayerful hopes shoes be found

for souls bereft and torn,

a moment to rest, a breath to breathe

for spirits dulled and worn.

 

Prayerful hopes shoes be found

for souls bereft and torn.

If only a moment, a breath to breathe

for spirits dulled and worn.

 

Should not there have been one                 

for whom faith steadfast but rare,

that his would be ennobled by Thee

to seek his just and fair?


Should there not have been at least the one                  

for whom faith steadfast but rare,

that his would be ennobled by Thee

to seek his just and fair?


Who glimpsed the light but touched him not

whose spark had begun to wane

next day ere long gathered clouds again

for fewer who remain.


Who
glimpsed the light but touched him not,

whose spark had begun to wane.

Next day ere long gathered clouds again

for fewer who remain.


Bowed under lash by day,

by night a storm did rage.

Why had He not shown His way

a war He could have waged?


Bowed under Pharoah's lash by day,

by night a storm did rage.

Why had He not shown the way

a war He could have waged?


Aside bodies on planks they lie

precious heat what little remain.

Dreaded welcome soon might bring

next to whom they had just lain.

Aside bodies on planks they lie,
precious heat what little remain.
Dreaded welcome soon might bring,
next to whom they had just lain.


Still in death's kingdom shone

a light, a way, the day

when dawn’s rising would fewer eyes see                     

whose faith did them sustain.


Still
in death's kingdom shone

 

a light, a way, the day

when dawn’s rise would fewer eyes see                    

whose faith did them sustain
.


The world we choose points us down

paths long sought by peace,

in the gardens of which we plant the seeds

lest memories tragically cease.



The
world we choose points us down

paths long sought by peace,

in rose gardens when we plant the seeds

lest memories tragically cease.


 

 




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Reviewed by randy smith 1/28/2009
great poem, the wording in one is ok, only keep in mind,
that less is more.good job, randy c smith


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