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Alan D Busch

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Member Since: Feb, 2008

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Books
· Between 10 and 5 With Dad

· Chapter 7, Kissing Dad's Nose, revised (Alternate version)

· Chapter 7, Kissing Dad's Nose, revised

· Revised Chapter 3 of Between Fathers and Sons

· Chapter 7, revised of Between Father and Son

· Chapter 3 Between Father And Son (my second book)

· Chapter 2 Between Father and Son (my second book)

· Chapter 1: Between Father and Son (my second book)

· Revised Preface of My Second Book

· Stuff My Father Won't Tell Me Revision #2 of Part 1


Short Stories
· Sequel

· Cruising Route 66 With Dad (a major revision )

· These Lights We Kindle, revision 5 for submission

· These Lights We Kindle, Revision 4

· These Lights We Kindle, revision 3

· These Lights We Kindle, revision 2

· These Lights We Kindle (revised)

· Cruising Route 66 With Dad, Revision #2

· Cruising Route 66 With Dad-Revision 1

· Cruising Route 66 With Dad


Articles
· Living With Parkinson's Disease

· What DO We Read on the Back of the (In)famous Photograph?

· Looking Out The Rear Window: Ten Years Ago

· Jewish Life Learning Aboard The New York City Subway

· The Jewish Press Publishes These Lights We Kindle

· Jewish Humor

· I Grieve For Ben At My Side (final revision)

· I Grieve For Ben At My Side

· As The Ninth Year Approaches ... Yom Yom

· Fundamentals of Fathers and Sons


Poetry
· yahrzeit

· Martin ... my brother I love but never knew

· Significant Revision of A Father Loses A Daughter

· A Revision of A Father Loses A Daughter

· Loss and Gain

· At Heaven's Gate

· Martin

· Fingers, A Poem for Kimberly (revision 5)

· Fingers (substantially revised #4)

· Fingers (revision #3)

         More poetry...
News
· It's Finally Here!

· It's Finally Here!

· See Alan's front book cover in Jewish Business News

· Between 10 and 5 With Dad/Keeping The 5th Commandment by Alan D. Busch

· Synopsis for Alan D. Busch's second book Between Fathers and Sons

· Click on www.articlesbase.com to read the latest work of Alan D. Busch

· News Stories by Alan D. Busch

Alan D Busch, click here to update your web pages on AuthorsDen.

  Studies in Poetry Revision
by Alan D Busch
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Rated "G" by the Author.

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Recent poems by Alan D Busch
•  Significant Revision of A Father Loses A Daughter
•  yahrzeit
•  Martin ... my brother I love but never knew
•  At Heaven's Gate
•  A Revision of A Father Loses A Daughter
•  Loss and Gain
•  Three Jewish Love Poems
•  Fingers, A Poem for Kimberly (revision 5)
•  Loss and Gain
•  Martin
•  Fingers (substantially revised #4)
•  Fingers (revision #3)
•  Zac's Lilies
•  While Vigilance Slept (revision of Dignity Restored)
           >> View all 47


Dear Readers,

This took some doing, but here I present two versions of a poem: the older version in black; the revision in red. Please read both and decide which reads better in terms of rythem. Please write a short review telling me if you like this format and which version you prefer.

Note that while some stanzas have been revised, others have not.


"Up Heaven's Slope: Dedicated to Our "Kedoshim" 

Why wrenched from hearth and home,         
o'er hills and fields whence they came?
Dreaming dreams didst they freely roam,
awakened to morning cold and lame.

Why wrenched from hearth and home,
o'er hills and fields whence they came?
Dreaming dreams didst they freely roam,
awakened to morning cold and lame
.


Wearily trod up heaven's slope

gray figures stooped, transparently thin,

recalling life from days before …

while awaiting storms of Heavenly din.

 

Wearily trod up heaven's slope,


their figures stooped,transparently thin,

anguished lives as none others before

why tarry the storms of Heavenly din?


Unlike Goliath in battle fell,

a travail, cold and dark, did numb

that David who had fought so well

would soon that night succumb.

 

Much like Goliath who in battle fell,

a travail, cold and dark, did numb

that even David who had fought so well

would soon that night succumb.


Prayerful hopes shoes be found

for souls bereft and torn,

a moment to rest, a breath to breathe

for spirits dulled and worn.

 

Prayerful hopes shoes be found

for souls bereft and torn.

If only a moment, a breath to breathe

for spirits dulled and worn.

 

Should not there have been one                 

for whom faith steadfast but rare,

that his would be ennobled by Thee

to seek his just and fair?


Should there not have been at least the one                  

for whom faith steadfast but rare,

that his would be ennobled by Thee

to seek his just and fair?


Who glimpsed the light but touched him not

whose spark had begun to wane

next day ere long gathered clouds again

for fewer who remain.


Who
glimpsed the light but touched him not,

whose spark had begun to wane.

Next day ere long gathered clouds again

for fewer who remain.


Bowed under lash by day,

by night a storm did rage.

Why had He not shown His way

a war He could have waged?


Bowed under Pharoah's lash by day,

by night a storm did rage.

Why had He not shown the way

a war He could have waged?


Aside bodies on planks they lie

precious heat what little remain.

Dreaded welcome soon might bring

next to whom they had just lain.

Aside bodies on planks they lie,
precious heat what little remain.
Dreaded welcome soon might bring,
next to whom they had just lain.


Still in death's kingdom shone

a light, a way, the day

when dawn’s rising would fewer eyes see                     

whose faith did them sustain.


Still
in death's kingdom shone

 

a light, a way, the day

when dawn’s rise would fewer eyes see                    

whose faith did them sustain
.


The world we choose points us down

paths long sought by peace,

in the gardens of which we plant the seeds

lest memories tragically cease.



The
world we choose points us down

paths long sought by peace,

in rose gardens when we plant the seeds

lest memories tragically cease.


 

 




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Reviewed by randy smith 1/28/2009
great poem, the wording in one is ok, only keep in mind,
that less is more.good job, randy c smith
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