My Dying, Love
by Connie Spector
Rated "PG" by the Author.
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Cries of a Tortured Soul
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About how love helps to heal.
What seems like forever is only a short while,
But I'm afraid, depressed, and alone.
My Love is away and I need her so much,
I'll be so grateful when she returns home.
The pain is unbearable, the emotions are clogged,
And the fear envelops me like a cloak.
I try to feel her touch and her breath, and
Her face and hair which I stroke.
Her love keeps me going, though last night I came close
To ending the pain once and for all.
But I knew she would hurt and cry for me,
So instead I cried and to her I called.
"I love you dear, I need you so much,
Can you hear me from so far away?
Do you know I'm thinking about you and feeling you now?
Do you know how I miss you each day?"
I wish I could realize what is happening to me,
Somehow it still seems like a bad dream.
I cannot wake up from this nightmare,
It's always so frightening and so real.
I have a limited time left in life;
My head knows it's so, but my heart won't hear.
She is having a hard time too, I know.
We are so close, and I always want her to be near.
There's no one like her, so understanding, so good.
She loves me no matter what I do.
I owe her so much for what she is and has done.
She's the best Love in the world, and has the biggest heart, too.
Dear, I need your help now to find peace in this world
Before I must leave and bid you farewell.
I have to face this sentence of death I've been given,
But I just don't know how to handle it very well.
How do I tell when I'm ready to leave?
It seems that I never will be.
I'm so frightened, please hold me tight,
You're the most special person in the world to me.
Dear, I am dying, one hour at a time,
The pain takes my strength and my breath.
Why have I not faced this ending of life?
Will you please help me deal with my death?
My head seems to burst, my chest hurts so much,
It feels like there will be no tomorrow.
I don't want to die, yet I can't live much longer
If I have to face this pain and this sorrow.
My heart aches to stay with you, my dear Love, my friend
I don't want to leave you behind.
I'll miss you so much, and all the love that we've shared
Will always be in my heart and my mind.
I'm afraid it's coming closer and will happen too soon,
And I know I have not yet faced what is real.
Dear, please hold me when I bare my soul to you,
Because I really don't know how or what to feel.
I can't stop the sadness, the anger, the hatred I feel.
It has to be pushed out of my way.
I need you to help me, to love and to hold me,
And I really don't know what to say.
Do I say that I'm dying, repeating my horror,
Until I can finally let go?
Or do we just talk, share, and be close,
Until it hits us both and we know.
I want us to realize, Dear, one day very soon,
That my death is now probably quite near.
How does it happen that we finally let go?
How do I face it and stop feeling the fear?
I so desperately want to cry, but somehow I can't.
When I'm hurting it seems there are no tears.
I think about my life, my hurt, and my pain
And about so many tough and difficult years.
Now that this has happened, I just won't believe
Because it's so painful and sad.
I finally find my real Love, who loves me and cares,
And leaving makes me so very mad.
When I think about my death, I push it aside,
I have done this all my life when something wounds.
But now, somehow, some time, in some way
I must face the truth, and it must be soon.
The diseases, the pain, the disabilities
Are starting to take such a toll.
Yet through all of this, I still do not believe,
That dying will not be long away at all.
So, Dear, I ask you, though I know you agree,
That we use our private days together
To talk, to share, to love and be close
And enjoy every minute we have left with each other.
My Dear, I love you; how much you'll never know.
Your heart, mind, and soul so special to me.
I thank you for everything you've done and have been.
You have helped me to love, to be touched, and to see.