These last Two Years
Have made me wonder if my Christian friends
Who believe Hell happens right here on Earth just might be right.
It has pushed and pulled at my faith in God
My trust in people, and my confidence in myself
As a woman of worth and wonder.
These last two years have opened my eyes
To sorrows I never thought I’d experience, though
I knew that many others did. My “mother heart” has broken
So many times I wonder if even God can put it back
These last two years have found me often in the ashes
Reading the book of Job and nodding so hard my neck hurts.
My friends tell me that because I’m suffering I must be sick,
And enemies doubt my faithfulness and accuse me to my
My wealth has been consumed and my face has furrows
where they never were before.
I wonder every time the phone rings if the voice on the other
End will tell me that my firstborn has plunged her car into a deep ravine
Or that her sister has overdosed again.
O yes I am still a woman of wonder, but my wonderings have changed.
They are filled with terror now and where they used to delight me
They consume me now. I lie awake in the night and cry out to God
To surround my kids with songs of deliverance even when I know they
Aren’t listening. They have plugged their ears and have no interest in His songs.
The songs they listen to speak of drugs, and drinking, and sex with strangers.
O God where have my children gone that I cannot find them? I listen to them
But they speak lies. I talk with them and they roll their eyes and change the subject.
These last two years have opened my eyes
To see things I never saw before, to peer into a darkness that threatens to consume me
And wait long enough for my eyes to adjust to the absence of light before I turned away.
Be still my soul and know that just because God has veiled his glory it doesn’t mean he is not there.
His light will never blind us because he seeks to give us sight, not eternal darkness.
His glory is waiting, confidently knowing, that when we tire of the darkness we will turn toward the light and He will shine for us.
The Daystar from on High will purge our darkness moment by moment day by day as we rejoice in his brightness.
When our eyes have adjusted to the light, then we will see the enemy for what he is, the thief that steals our joy, our hope, our life
One day at a time we will soak up the light and begin to glow—oh how we shine.
These last two years have stretched my faith, my confidence, and compassion.
What I have seen in the darkness I will not forget in the dawn of hope.
Every man, woman, and child who wanders in the darkness has become my daughter and my son.
I see beneath the façade now, and there is less judgment in my eyes.
The forty-something woman whose attire reveals the absence of Light in her pursuit of love plunges her dagger in my heart, for that woman could be the daughter that I love.
Every addicted man, woman, and child who is led by the nose down the path of addiction makes my heart weep for I know, now I know, the nature of their disease and I know the beast that lurks behind the bushes in the midnight of their unenchanted forest.
The last two years have taken much from me but it has given back more than it has taken.
For I survived the storm that rages still and now I know that we are not alone on this sea. I know that glory waits, every day, at every sunrise.
I can say Yes to hope, Yes to healing, Yes to the Light and I will rise above the tempest. I may take on water but my ship will not go down.
I will believe, always, the Light is more powerful than the darkness—for the Light IS and the darkness is merely the absence of the Light.
Now that I have seen the monster of addiction, I will never forget what he looks like and I will know him when he comes to devour my peace, my joy, and my confidence. I will not let him board my ship.
I pray that my children will return to their ship and sail into new horizons. I pray that their eyes will adjust to the Light and they will see the monster of addiction for what it is. But as for me, I will not linger in the tempest when the day breaks on the horizon. I have raised my sails and I am going forward. I hope my loved ones join me on the other side of Chaos so we may rejoice together in the light of a new day.
The Mother of Two Precious Daughters who have lost their way for awhile.